How to Override the October Slide- A seasonal guide for coping with chronic health challenges and nervous system overwhelm

I work with many clients navigating chronic health conditions, persistent pain, and long-term illnesses. A non-seasonal but crucial part of this work is helping people manage individualized, holistic self care plans, medical gaslighting, and the grief that comes with adapting to a body and life that no longer behave the way they used to (more on this in a future post).

However, as we approach this time of year, many notice an uptick in both physical and emotional symptoms—a pattern that can make winter feel like survival mode.

So I put together a quick guide that I think you’ll want to read to the end—for a coping skill that banks more on creativity than perfection, offering validation, humor, and practical tools to help you move through the colder months with a little more grace (and maybe a laugh).

The October Slide Isn’t Official, But It’s Efficient

The October Slide isn’t an official diagnosis, but it’s certainly an efficient one—so efficient it probably deserves its own billing code. If you live with chronic pain, illness, or fatigue, you can feel the descent before the leaves even hit the ground.

It’s that quiet seasonal shift when your energy, mood, and body all start negotiating new terms—and somehow, the negotiations always end with less.

The Science of the Slide

Research has been confirming what chronic-pain communities have long known: weather and light changes alter the body.

• The BMJ Open study Cloudy with a Chance of Pain (2019) tracked over 13,000 people with chronic pain and found that higher humidity, lower barometric pressure, and stronger winds predicted worse pain—especially in autumn and winter.

• Fibromyalgia data show a similar trend: symptoms spike in late fall and early winter when sunlight and temperature drop.

• Large mood studies such as RADAR-MDD (Remote Assessment of Disease and Relapse—Major Depressive Disorder) reveal that reduced daylight correlates with lower physical activity, circadian disruption, and increased depressive symptoms.

• Meanwhile, serotonin, melatonin, and vitamin D all shift with shorter days, altering mood, sleep, and pain sensitivity.

So when your body acts like a storm system—it’s because, biochemically, it is.

Seasonal Affective Disorder and the October Slide

Classic Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) refers to recurrent depressive episodes that begin in late autumn or winter and remit in spring. Shorter daylight hours and reduced sunlight are linked to serotonin and circadian rhythm changes (NIMH, 2025).
The October Slide, while not identical, may overlap—it reflects a broader seasonal pattern where physical and emotional symptoms worsen in people with chronic conditions, even if they don’t meet diagnostic criteria for SAD.

In other words, not every slide is depression, but the same environmental shifts can still rattle the nervous system.

When the Body Feels Unsafe (Even When You’re Not)

Some schools of pain management—which can apply to nearly any chronic health condition—use the framework of DIMS and SIMS, meaning Danger-in-Me and Safety-in-Me. These channels help explain how physical and emotional pain can loop together.

When your system detects danger-in-me cues (threatening thoughts, sensations, or stressors), it heightens tension and amplifies pain. Safety-in-me cues—connection, curiosity, calm—signal the body that it can rest and repair.

Identifying the thoughts, beliefs, events, sensations, emotions, and people that exist within each channel can help you recognize where you are and what you can reasonably shift, even if it’s just a micro-shift, when you’d like to reset your state.

Our biology runs on these two channels:

• Safety-in-me — curiosity, rest, digestion, connection.

• Danger-in-me — vigilance, tension, pain amplification, catastrophic thinking.

When light fades and pressure drops, the body can quietly flip into danger mode. The cues are subtle—tight muscles, irritability, heart palpitations, exhaustion—and the mind scrambles to make sense of them:
“Something’s really wrong with me.”

That’s how the loop begins: body alarm → scary thought → adrenaline → more pain → more fear. You’re not broken; you’re just caught in feedback.

The Summer Paradox

Not everyone crashes in fall. Some people melt down in summer. There’s even a DSM-5 subtype called Reverse (Summer) Seasonal Affective Disorder, marked by agitation, anxiety, and insomnia.

Too much light suppresses melatonin; heat raises cortisol; social pressure to be “fun” overwhelms the sensory system. Different bodies sync with different seasons. Some wilt in darkness, others fry in brightness. The goal isn’t to fear the season—it’s to know your ecosystem.

Interrupting the Catastrophic Loop

You can’t outthink a nervous system in danger mode—you have to talk to it through the body.

1. EFT Tapping or Acupressure
Tap or gently hold points on the side of the hand, temples, or collarbone while naming the truth:

“Even though I feel awful and scared this will never end, I’m open to the idea that I’m safe right now.”
You’re not forcing positivity—you’re retraining your internal alarm system.

2. Opposite Action (DBT) When your body screams “hide,” do something small but opposite: open the blinds, step outside for a minute, or text someone safe. Micro-actions reintroduce agency.

3. Orient for Safety
Look around. Find one color, one sound, and one texture that feel neutral or pleasant. Show your vagus nerve that danger has passed.

4. Micro-Connection Over Isolation
You don’t need a deep conversation—just connection. Send a meme, reply with an emoji, or exchange a quick spark of human energy.

5. Redefine Productivity
Nature slows down for a reason. Rest isn’t laziness; it’s seasonal intelligence.

6. Organize DIMS and SIMS
Use the DIMS/SIMS framework (Danger in Me vs. Safety in Me) to explore what’s fueling your current state. List the thoughts, sensations, people, and environments that amplify danger signals—and those that bring calm or safety. If DIMS outweigh SIMS, choose one thing you can shift, even slightly, to restore balance.

Then, implement a CBT-style reframe. Notice when your thoughts sound catastrophic, and see where you can soften them:

Catastrophic thought: “This flare means I’m back to square one.”
Reframe: “This flare means my body’s asking for rest—it’s information, not failure.”

7. Practice Acceptance (Which Doesn’t Mean You Like It)
Acceptance isn’t surrender; it’s acknowledging what’s happening so you can respond skillfully. If you’re in a pain flare today, ask:

“What can I do to take care of this body right now?”
Through this practice, you learn to trust your body and your instincts—they’re not the enemy, they’re your feedback system.

8. Explore What Your Condition Invites You to Notice
Living with chronic illness, pain, or any ongoing condition often invites reflection. Ask yourself:

“What has this condition invited me to look at in my life?” “What changes have I made that I might never have made otherwise—and how might they be quietly supporting me?”
Your body may be communicating in a language of limits, but sometimes those limits point you toward meaning, clarity, or authenticity you might have missed before.

When the System Doesn’t Believe the Body

Another layer to the October Slide—and to chronic illness year-round—is medical gaslighting: being told your symptoms aren’t real because they don’t fit a diagnostic script. You describe pain or fatigue, and someone says, “Your labs are normal.” The dismissal itself becomes trauma.

The nervous system learns to anticipate disbelief. You start doubting sensations that were always real.

How to Stay Grounded When Dismissed

Ground before and after appointments.
Slow breathing or gentle tapping can help shift your body from danger-in-me to safety-in-me.

Bring data, not defense.
Notes, photos, and symptom logs move the conversation from “Is it real?” to “Here’s the pattern.” Advocate, advocate, advocate. Write things down, rehearse what you want to say, and—if it feels right—bring someone with you for support.

Find validating spaces. Online and peer communities for chronic illness, dysautonomia, iatrogenic injury, Ehlers-Danlos, autoimmune disorders, fibromyalgia, and related conditions offer recognition, solidarity, and access to evolving science.

Remember that AI and patient-led research are changing the landscape.
New technologies are beginning to identify connections traditional medicine has overlooked. The field is evolving—and we can hang in there while the science catches up.

Avoid repeat invalidation.
You can’t make a provider believe you who’s invested in disbelief. Save your energy for those who listen.

Honor your body’s truth.
Your sensations don’t need outside validation to be real. Communicate what you need, and pay attention to who meets that with respect.

Every time you meet disbelief with self-trust, you reclaim a little more authority over your biology.

When None of That S**t Works

Some days your body will be louder than your coping menu. That’s okay. The goal isn’t to conquer symptoms—it’s to not make them worse.
Swear, cry, eat soup, go horizontal. Regulation sometimes looks like surrender with snacks.

Why I’m Leaving You With a Jingle Instead of a Worksheet

Because humor and creativity are clinical interventions. Laughter releases tension; creative play reactivates the parts of the brain that burnout shuts down. When you rhyme, doodle, or make something absurd, you remind your nervous system that it can still respond to life, not just endure it.

So here’s my ridiculous suggestion: When your body or mood slides, throw it a curveball. Write a bad poem. Sing to your cat. Record your own “Override the October Slide” remix.

🎤 Override the October Slide (Mini Interlude)

So,
You wanna override the October Slide?
Feelin’ like trash, got no place to hide?
Here’s a seasonal guide when your system’s fried—
You don’t have to stay in bed all day inside.

Ten-minute walk, take it in stride,
Regulate your breath, don’t let it collide.
Tap that EFT, let the tension subside,
Body say “nope,” but the soul still tried—

Healing doesn’t always look serious. Sometimes it looks like laughter in the middle of the storm—and that counts as regulation too.

Final Reframe

The October Slide isn’t a moral failure—it’s feedback. Seasonal meltdowns aren’t character flaws—they’re body weather.

Your job isn’t to stay perfectly regulated. It’s to notice when you’ve drifted into danger mode and gently steer back toward safety. Some days that’s tapping, some days it’s tears, some days it’s saying “f-it” and trying again tomorrow.

That’s not giving up. That’s listening.

If You’re Living It, You’re Not Alone

While this post speaks broadly about chronic health conditions, here are just a few examples: POTS, Ehlers-Danlos syndrome (EDS), fibromyalgia, autoimmune diseases, chronic fatigue syndrome, rheumatoid and osteoarthritis, neurological conditions like Parkinson’s, cancer, and many others. (This list is not exhaustive.)

Whatever your diagnosis—or even if you don’t have one—you deserve understanding, validation, and support that honors both body and mind.

Join the Conversation

If something here resonated, or you have your own tools for managing symptoms and seasonal shifts, drop a note in the comments—your insight could help someone else feel less alone.

And if you’re interested in individual sessions or joining a support group, you can reach me through my website: [insert link].

Disclaimer

Please note: I am a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in the state of California, but I am not a medical doctor or prescriber. This article is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek guidance from a qualified healthcare provider with any questions you may have regarding your health or medical condition.

Sources & Further Reading

• Dixon W.G. et al. (2019). Cloudy with a Chance of Pain. BMJ Open, 9(3), e030451.

• Martínez-Lavin M. et al. (2022). Seasonal variation in fibromyalgia symptom severity. J Rheumatol, 49(5), 520-528.

• McAlindon T.E. et al. (2014). Meteorological influences on knee osteoarthritis pain and function. Arthritis Care & Research, 66(2), 186-193.

• Timmermans E.J. et al. (2010). Weather conditions and daily pain in rheumatoid arthritis. Pain, 151(2), 420-425.

• O’Brien J. & Jones M. (2017). Seasonality in chronic pain: A systematic review. Pain Practice, 17(6), 785-795.

• RADAR-CNS Consortium (2024). Deciphering seasonal variations in major depressive disorder using longitudinal mobile health data. medRxiv preprint.

• National Institute of Mental Health (2025). Seasonal Affective Disorder. Retrieved from nimh.nih.gov

• Lambert G.W. et al. (2002). Effect of sunlight and season on serotonin turnover in the brain. Lancet, 360(9348), 1840-1842.

• O’Brien J. et al. (2025). Evaluation of seasonal variations in mood in a population-based study. BMC Psychiatry, 25, 69-16.

Am I the Narcissist? - Common FAQs and How to Untangle the Blame Game in Toxic Relationships

This guide is written first and foremost for those navigating relationships with high-conflict, antagonistic individuals—what many people call “narcissistic relationships.” It may also be useful if you’ve noticed narcissistic traits in yourself and want a clearer understanding of how they show up.

About 70% of my clients come to therapy struggling with the fallout of these relationships—navigating abuse, confusion, and the exhaustion of trying to decode patterns that never seem to add up.

If you’ve ever left a contemptuous argument asking yourself:
“Wait… am I the narcissist?”

You’re not alone. Asking this question doesn’t make you a narcissist—it usually reflects the toll of being in a confusing, invalidating relationship that leaves you doubting yourself. In fact, the very act of pausing to reflect is a sign of awareness—and that awareness is a resource for healing, whatever your traits may be.

My focus here is on survivors, since that’s the population I work with most often. Still, the reflections draw from both clinical experience and the available research on narcissism.

The goal is clarity, not blame—to help you make sense of what’s happening in your relationships, and to know when support and healing are possible.

Another Article on Narcissism?! Why This Guide Is Different

Most resources about narcissism lean one of two ways: they either shame and villainize people with traits, or they lean on pop psychology—well-intentioned but often watered down, minimizing the real harm survivors face.

This guide does neither. It blends:

• 🔍 Research and clinical debates on the “what” and “why” of narcissism

• 🧩 Clear, real-life examples of how traits show up in everyday relationships

• 💡 Practical healing tools and survivor-focused strategies—without blame or sugarcoating

Survivors will find clarity and recovery strategies. Those noticing traits in themselves will get context and self-reflection—without stigma.

📖 What the DSM Says (and Doesn’t Say)

The term “narcissist” gets tossed around so casually online that it’s lost much of its meaning. But in clinical and survivor contexts, it refers to real dynamics—specific patterns of behavior that need to be distinguished from everyday pop-psychology soundbites for “selfish” or “disappointing.” The DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) is the handbook clinicians use to diagnose conditions like personality disorders. The DSM-5 (2013) criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) require a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and lack of empathy—beginning in early adulthood and present across contexts. To qualify, five (or more) of the following nine must be met:

1. Grandiose sense of self-importance (exaggerates achievements, expects recognition).

2. Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.

3. Belief they are “special” and can only be understood by other special/high-status people.

4. Requires excessive admiration.

5. Sense of entitlement (expects especially favorable treatment).

6. Interpersonally exploitative (takes advantage of others for personal gain).

7. Lacks empathy (unwilling/unable to recognize others’ needs and feelings).

8. Often envious of others or believes others are envious of them.

9. Arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes.

👉 To meet diagnostic criteria, five of nine must be present consistently, and cause significant impairment in one or more areas of life- relationships, work, or overall functioning.  That flexibility in criteria means two people could both qualify for NPD and look very different—there are nearly 260 possible combinations of traits that can add up to a diagnosis.

In 2022, the DSM-5-TR added clarity: narcissism often shows up as either grandiose/overt (arrogant, entitled, inflated) or vulnerable/covert (hypersensitive, shame-driven, unstable). Note- The DSM-5-TR (2022) is a text revision of the DSM-5, adding updated commentary and clarifications based on newer research.

As Kohut (1971), Kernberg (1975), and more recent researchers (Cain, Pincus, & Ansell, 2008; Pincus & Lukowitsky, 2010) have argued, narcissism takes many shapes, and the DSM captures only part of the story. Individuals involved with highly narcissistic people often notice covert or subtle behaviors that don’t appear neatly on the checklist.

📌 Traits in Real Life

Survivors of relationships with narcissistic, antagonist, or high conflict people rarely walk into therapy saying, ‘I think my partner meets five of nine DSM criteria.’ They talk about their lived experiences—feeling manipulated and confused by gaslighting, boundary violations, silent treatments—and the fallout. And that fallout is typically traumatic, leaving people anxious and questioning their own reality. Here are some examples of how these traits can play out on the day to day-

🌹 Love bombing → Overwhelming attention early on, whether through grand gestures or subtle mirroring of your passions. Rooted in grandiosity and endless validation-seeking, it’s designed to create fast attachment that later flips into withdrawal, criticism, or devaluation. After a discard phase, this cycle sometimes resurfaces in what survivors call hoovering—a return of affection and attention meant to pull you back in.

💔 Low empathy → Dismissing your struggles while demanding attention for theirs. When they do display empathy, there’s often a transactional or performative edge: “I’ll be present with you now (or appear to), so you’ll give me what I want later.” At its core, this reflects an inability—or unwillingness—to truly attune to others’ needs unless it benefits them. This lack of empathy often fuels their sense of entitlement: your role is to meet their needs, while theirs is to take without reciprocity.

🌙 Future faking → Painting vivid pictures of marriage, travel, or life plans that never happen. These promises create false hope and keep you emotionally invested, believing the relationship holds merit, even when actions consistently fail to match the words.

🥖 Breadcrumbing → Tossing small “crumbs” of affection—texts, compliments, or gestures—just enough to keep you hooked. This intermittent reinforcement makes it harder to leave the relationship, because you’re always waiting for the next crumb, and those crumbs start to feel like a five-star meal.

🚪 Boundary intolerance → Silent treatments, child-like rages, temper tantrums, disappearing acts, or stonewalling -withholding communication in ways that destabilize the partner and provide the one enacting it with a false sense of power and control.  These behaviors are highly emotionally toxic and often show up when you assert independence, voice a need, or set a limit. “Pushback” can also include gaslighting—denying or twisting your reality until you doubt yourself (expanded in the Survivor’s Triad below). To someone high in narcissistic traits, boundaries feel like an attack on their entitlement and grandiosity—so instead of respect, you’re met with punishment.

This often comes with a “victim stance” (a term common in pop psychology): suddenly you’re painted as selfish or ungrateful, while they recast themselves as the wounded party. What you’re witnesing is actually away to deflect responsibility, avoid accountability and keep control- ultimately connected to the individual’s traits of grandiosity and/or entitlement.

💸 Exploitation → Endless demands on your resources—time, sex, finances—used only for their personal gain, with zero remorse for the impact on you. When you ask for reciprocity or basic respect, the response is often outrage, guilt-tripping, or withdrawal. The message is clear: you’re a means to an end—for their benefit, not yours. Exploitation is one of the most damaging dynamics, because it strips away mutuality. In survivor circles, this is often called being treated as “supply”: valued only as a resource to be used, rather than respected as a whole person.

🎭 The mask effect → Survivors often describe a “mask”: charming and lovable in public, but spiteful, manipulative, or abusive in private. Bancroft (2002) notes this dual persona leaves partners confused and isolated.

🌀 Chaos & inconsistency → Sudden flips between affection and hostility, rules that shift overnight, plans that collapse without explanation. These swings keep survivors in a constant state of anxiety, scanning for cues of what’s coming next. These behavior/mood swings may often stem from emotional dysregulation and impulsivity—traits not specific to NPD but seen across the broader “Cluster B” group of personality disorders. While not part of the formal DSM criteria, they show up often enough in lived experience to be worth naming here. (I’ll be expanding on these overlaps in a longer survival guide I’m publishing soon on Gumroad, with more detail and practical tools.)

🎂 Holiday sabotage → Drama, crises, or tantrums—silent or explosive—that hijack special days. Survivors often describe dreading birthdays and holidays because joy is routinely overshadowed by conflict or chaos.

As Dr. Ramani Durvasula (2019) puts it: these behaviors erode self-worth and leave partners questioning reality, even without a formal NPD diagnosis. And it’s important to note: if you’ve had a partner or friend who displays just one of these behaviors—like breadcrumbing, for example—that alone doesn’t make them narcissistic. But if you’ve experienced several of these patterns together, your nervous system will likely register it as significant stress, anxiety, and trauma.

And the way out—if that’s the path you want to explore—begins with education and self-understanding. The first step is trying not to gaslight or dismiss yourself about how these behaviors affect you. Naming what’s happening is the foundation for clarity, boundaries, and eventual healing.

🧩 The Survivor’s Triad

So why do people stay in relationships that feel so destructive? Sometimes it’s logistical—shared children, finances, or social pressures. But even when those factors aren’t present, powerful emotional forces can make leaving feel impossible. Survivors often describe being “hooked” despite knowing the harm.

Three dynamics, what I call the Survivor’s Triad, explain why people remain in close connection with narcissistic individuals:

✨ Gaslighting → “You’re too sensitive.” “That never happened.” Gaslighting is more than “telling lies.” It means that over time, reality gets re-written until you doubt yourself. Part of healing is learning to trust yourself and your instincts again.

✨ Cognitive dissonance → (Festinger, 1957) A state of inner conflict when you’re holding two opposing beliefs or experiences at the same time. The torment of holding two truths: they say they love me vs. they keep hurting me. This clash creates chronic confusion and paralysis, making it harder to act decisively.

✨ Trauma bonding → The cycle of being torn down, then intermittently rewarded with affection, attention, or apologies. This variable reinforcement spikes dopamine in the brain, the same reward pathway activated in gambling or substance use (Carnes, 1997). That’s why the bond feels so hard to break—it’s not just psychological, it’s physiological until you learn how to interrupt the loop. These aren’t signs of a weak personality—they’re involuntary nervous system responses to persistent psychological stress.

🔍 Nature vs. Nurture

Why or how do people become narcissistic? Experts continue to debate this question, and there isn’t a single consensus.

Psychoanalytic theorists such as Kohut (1971) and Kernberg (1975) argued that narcissism develops as a response to early relational trauma, tremendous shame, intolerance to feeling shame, and fragile self-esteem. In their view, the inflated exterior is a defense against deep insecurity.

By contrast, Salerno (2024, 2025) and researchers working from neuroscience and personality-trait perspectives do not view shame or low/fragile self-esteem as central drivers. Instead, they point to genetic factors and temperament, emphasizing that traits like antagonism, grandiosity, and exploitative behavior often emerge independent of insecurity or shame.

Psychologist Ramani Durvasula (2019, 2021), who endorses the fragile self esteem/shame based core perspective, adds another layer, noting that culture itself can reinforce narcissism. Social media rewards constant self-promotion and comparison. Hustle culture prizes status and success at all costs. Even relationship dynamics built on entitlement or one-sided caretaking can normalize unhealthy patterns.

In other words, most experts agree that our environment doesn’t cause narcissism on its own, but it can create fertile ground for those traits to grow unchecked. The causes are complex, and different models emphasize different factors.

What matters most in practice for people surviving relationships with individuals high in narcissistic traits is not the origin story, but whether the harmful behavior changes—and research consistently shows that entrenched narcissistic traits rarely shift.

💡 Why the Cause Matters (and Why It Doesn’t)
For survivors, the real question usually isn’t why narcissism develops—it’s whether the harmful behavior will change. Research consistently shows that entrenched narcissistic traits rarely shift.

That said, the “nature vs. nurture” debate isn’t just academic—it influences how clinicians think about treatment and how survivors are supported. The debate has been going on for decades and may never fully resolve—human behavior is too complex to fit into tidy boxes. The takeaway? Keep moving forward with the resources available now, knowing that research continues to evolve—and with it, the tools and treatments that may support healing.

💡 Frequently Asked Questions About Narcissism

Note: These FAQs come out of the most common questions I hear in weekly therapy or coaching sessions. Although many examples here focus on intimate partnerships, the same patterns can apply in family systems, friendships, and workplaces. High-conflict and antagonistic traits don’t stay neatly in one category of relationship—they ripple out wherever they appear.

1. Am I the narcissist?
Narcissism exists on a spectrum. Having traits or selfish moments does not equal a diagnosis. Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a rigid, entrenched pattern that causes lasting disturbance across many areas of life. If you’re even pausing to ask this question, that self-reflection itself is a strong sign you are not what you fear—because genuine narcissism usually blocks that kind of awareness.

2. What if I’m not the narcissist, but I feel wrecked by my relationship?
Survivors often develop anxiety, depression, or hypervigilance they never had before. That’s not weakness—it’s your nervous system adapting to unpredictability.

3. Can two narcissistic individuals be in a relationship?
Yes—usually volatile, dramatic, and competitive. Love-bombing meets love-bombing; betrayal meets revenge.

4. Can you become a narcissist from being in company with someone w these traits ?
No — narcissism isn’t contagious. Personality disorders develop from a mix of genetics, temperament, and early life experiences, not from “catching” traits in adulthood. That said, survivors often do pick up behaviors as coping strategies: becoming defensive, shutting down emotionally, or even mimicking the narcissist’s patterns to survive conflict. This doesn’t mean you’re becoming a narcissist. It means your nervous system is adapting to a stressful environment.

If you’re concerned about traits you’ve noticed in yourself, ask: Are these survival habits, and do they actually serve me now? That reflection can help you separate what belongs to you, what was learned for survival, and what you might want to shift moving forward.

5. What if I believe I have some narcissistic traits?
Noticing traits in yourself doesn’t make you a narcissist—it makes you self-aware. What matters most is impact, reflection, and willingness to change. If there are patterns you’d like to shift, setting small goals and seeking support can help. Therapies like DBT, Internal Family Systems (IFS), or Mentalization-Based Therapy can offer tools for building healthier ways of relating.

6. What if someone calls me a narcissist?
Consider the context. If it happens right after you set a boundary, it’s often gaslighting or projection. Gaslighting is a repeated attempt to deny your reality so the other person can avoid responsibility. Projection is a defense mechanism where someone attributes to you the traits they cannot face in themselves—for example, calling you “selfish” when they are the one acting selfishly.

7. Can narcissistic people change?
Stable, consistent, and meaningful change is rare (Salerno, 2025). Some therapies—like those noted above—can sometimes improve emotional regulation in individuals who are highly motivated and capable of self-reflection, particularly in more vulnerable (covert) presentations. Approaches such as schema therapy (Young, Klosko, & Weishaar, 2003) or transference-focused therapy (Kernberg, 1975) may also help, but only if the person has traits that allow for collaboration and reflection. In other words, outcomes depend heavily on where someone lands on the spectrum of narcissistic traits. Still, fMRI studies have found differences in empathy-related brain regions in people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, which may help explain why deep, lasting change is uncommon (Schulze et al., 2013).

8. Are they mistreating me on purpose?
It depends. Some may lack full awareness of how hurtful they are. More often, research suggests they do know, but don’t care enough to stop—because their focus is on personal gain, not the health of the relationship … Experts note that the higher someone falls on the Cluster B spectrum (a group of personality disorders in the DSM that includes narcissistic, borderline, antisocial, and histrionic)—especially where it overlaps with sociopathy or psychopathy—the more intentional and calculated the harm tends to be. These debates and trait overlaps will be explored more thoroughly in the Gumroad guide coming soon. The more important question is: how are these behaviors affecting you, and what do you need to move forward?

9. Should I forgive them because they had a bad childhood?
Understanding isn’t excusing. You can acknowledge someone’s past and still hold boundaries. Forgiveness is optional, not required, and up to the individual. It’s worth remembering that not all people with childhood adversity become abusive or antagonistic — and not all people with narcissistic traits have trauma histories. Research and clinical observations (Simon, 1996; 2011) show that many abusive individuals score high in traits like disagreeableness and antagonism regardless of trauma background. In other words, trauma may shape some pathways, but entitlement and exploitation can also stand on their own.

10. Isn’t everyone a little narcissistic sometimes?
People can be selfish or self-focused—that’s normal. But the term narcissism, as we’re defining it here, involves entitlement, exploitation, and antagonism. That’s not “healthy,” nor do these traits persist in all people.

11. Why do I keep attracting narcissists?
Narcissistic people are typically drawn to two types of people: those who may seem vulnerable or easy to exploit, and, paradoxically, those they admire because being with them enhances their own status (sometimes called “trophy partners”). Research by psychologists W. Keith Campbell and Joshua Foster (2002) shows that narcissists often enter relationships with high satisfaction driven by admiration and idealization, but that commitment tends to decline once deeper reciprocity is expected.

People who repeatedly end up in these relationships often aren’t “flawed”—they may simply be more tolerant of high-conflict, antagonistic, or abusive behavior because it feels normal. This can stem from upbringing, cultural beliefs, or a learned belief that enduring extremely difficult challenges over the long haul is always part of loyalty or love. Highly agreeable and conscientious individuals, in particular, may over-give, minimize red flags, or feel responsible for smoothing over conflict—traits that make them especially prone to staying involved in these types of relationships.

If you find yourself asking, “What’s wrong with me?”—know this: the better question is, “What vulnerabilities or patterns can I strengthen to stop the cycle?” Learning to spot red flags, reinforcing boundaries, and practicing strategies for disengaging are what break the pattern.

🚪 Where Do I Go From Here?

Remember this: Traits may be stable, but behavior and impact can shift with awareness and motivation. Even if the person causing harm never changes, you can still reclaim clarity, boundaries, and begin to develop healthier connections.

📖 Start with education. Understanding what narcissism is—and isn’t—makes it easier to recognize patterns, break cycles, and move toward healthier relating.

🧘 Add trauma-informed therapy. Approaches that blend safe relational support with somatic tools help calm the nervous system and loosen old patterns, turning knowledge into freedom.

👩‍⚕️ Choose the right support. Therapy is most effective when providers have training in personality disorders and their dynamics. Without that foundation, mis-attunement can cause harm. Ask about training before working with any provider or coach.

💡 The takeaway: With the right guidance, you can heal, rebuild trust in yourself, and move forward with stronger boundaries and healthier connections.

✨ Expanded Mini-Ebook Coming Soon

This article is just the beginning. I’m expanding this into a mini-ebook survival guide that will include:

·       🔥 🔥 Additional FAQs on DARVO, the relationship cycle with antagonistic individuals, couples therapy, no-contact, Cluster B traits, and role of spirituality in healing.

·       🧠 A deeper dive into research on competing models of narcissism, including neuroscience perspectives and brain imaging studies.

·       🌀 Survival strategies such as gray rocking, boundary-setting in action, and breaking trauma bonds.

·       ✍️ Journal prompts and reflection exercises to help you process confusion, rebuild clarity, and strengthen self-trust.

This expanded guide will be available soon on Gumroad. Subscribe to this Substack so you don’t miss the release.

📚 References & Further Reading

American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-5). Arlington, VA: American Psychiatric Publishing.

Bancroft, L. (2002). Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. New York: Berkley Books.

Campbell, W. K., & Foster, J. D. (2002). Narcissism and commitment in romantic relationships: An investment model analysis. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 28(4), 484–495

Campbell, W. K., & Miller, J. D. (2011). The Handbook of Narcissism and Narcissistic Personality Disorder: Theoretical Approaches, Empirical Findings, and Treatments. Hoboken, NJ: Wiley.

Cain, N. M., Pincus, A. L., & Ansell, E. B. (2008). Narcissism at the crossroads: Phenotypic description of pathological narcissism across clinical theory, social/personality psychology, and psychiatric diagnosis. Clinical Psychology Review, 28(4), 638–656.

Durvasula, R. (2019). Don’t You Know Who I Am?: How to Stay Sane in an Era of Narcissism, Entitlement, and Incivility. Post Hill Press.

Durvasula, R. (2021). Should I Stay or Should I Go?: Surviving a Relationship with a Narcissist. Post Hill Press.

Hare, R. D. (2003). Without Conscience: The Disturbing World of the Psychopaths Among Us. New York: Guilford Press.

Kernberg, O. (1975). Borderline Conditions and Pathological Narcissism. New York: Jason Aronson.

Kohut, H. (1971). The Analysis of the Self. New York: International Universities Press.

Pincus, A. L., & Lukowitsky, M. R. (2010). Pathological narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder. Annual Review of Clinical Psychology, 6, 421–446.

Salerno, P. (2024). The nature and nurture of narcissism: Understanding narcissistic personality disorder from the perspective of gene–environment interaction. Peter Salerno.

Salerno, P. (2025). Traumatic cognitive dissonance: Healing from an abusive relationship with a disordered personality. Peter Salerno.

Schulze, L., Dziobek, I., Vater, A., Heekeren, H. R., Bajbouj, M., Renneberg, B., Heuser, I., & Roepke, S. (2013). Gray Matter Abnormalities in Patients With Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Journal of Psychiatric Research, 47(10), 1363-1369

Young, J. E., Klosko, J. S., & Weishaar, M. E. (2003). Schema therapy: A practitioner’s guide. Guilford Press.

  Simon, G. K. (1996). In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People. Parkhurst Brothers.

  Simon, G. K. (2011). Character Disturbance: The Phenomenon of Our Age. Parkhurst Brothers.

Practical Resources

• Psychology Today Narcissism Test — self-reflection tool (not diagnostic).

• National Domestic Violence Hotline: thehotline.org | 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

• Shahida Arabi. Power: Surviving and Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse.

• Sandra L. Brown. Women Who Love Psychopaths.

• Ramani Durvasula. It’s Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People.

⚖️ Disclaimer
This article is for informational purposes only and not a substitute for medical advice. I am a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist in California; my scope does not include prescribing medication.

EFT Tapping: The Science-Backed Biohacking Tool for Stress Relief (and How to Try It Yourself) A simple, science-supported way to calm your nervous system and reset your body in minutes.

Disclaimer
If you choose to tap along or try this technique, please remember: you are responsible for your own well-being.

EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques) is not a substitute for medical care, mental health treatment, or professional advice. While the benefits of EFT are well-documented in research, no treatment or modality is without risk. I have not personally witnessed negative effects with EFT, but that doesn’t mean they don’t exist.

If you’d like to connect for a consultation or learn more, you can reach me through Substack or my website.

Got stress? Let’s be clear—you don’t need another lecture about it. You need something that actually works.

Think about the last week-

1. That thing your coworker said—you can’t stop replaying it in your head.

2. Your stomach feels like its wound up into a tight ball (people describe this weekly)

3. Politics, global warming, and the whole world seem to live rent-free in your nervous system.

4. You wake up each morning gasping for air, heart racing.

5. You can’t sleep, so you doomscroll… or you doomscroll, and then you can’t sleep.

Your brain? Fried.

Meditation feels impossible. Yoga takes too long. You’re too tired to work out, too broke to buy one more wellness gadget, too burned out to care.

What if I told you there’s a simple, science-backed tool that takes about two minutes and doesn’t require you to “quiet your mind” or become a Zen master?

Welcome to Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) tapping.

Your stress response is solid as gold-primed to flight, fight, flee at moment’s notice. However, Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT), also known as tapping, is a surprisingly simple way to help your nervous system downregulate to a calmer, more balanced state—sometimes in minutes, without needing to meditate, journal, or overhaul your life.

So, What Is EFT Tapping?

EFT was developed in the 1990s by Gary Craig, an engineer who simplified earlier work by psychologist Roger Callahan, creator of Thought Field Therapy (TFT).

It blends several approaches:

• Acupressure points from Traditional Chinese Medicine

• Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) principles, acknowledging thoughts, beliefs and feelings rather than avoiding them.

• Exposure therapy, as EFT helps you gently face distressing thoughts or emotions, while calming your nervous system at the same time, reducing the distress.

Here’s how it works: You tap on specific acupoints on your face and upper body while saying phrases that acknowledge both your stress and your acceptance of yourself and your emotions.

It might sound odd—until you realize EFT is now approved by institutions like The Department of Veterans Affairs and Kaiser Permanente to support the treatment of anxiety, depression, and PTSD.

EFT is commonly used for anxiety, stress, depression, cravings, trauma symptoms, phobias, pain, digestive issues and more. A majority of the research has been conducted by Dawson Church, Peta Stapleton, David Feinstein, and others.

👉An extended resource and reference list is available at the end of the article.

The Science Behind the Magic

EFT isn’t “just woo.” Research shows tapping helps shift your body from fight-or-flight to rest-and-digest mode:

·       Cortisol levels (your stress hormone) drop—some studies show reductions of up to 43% after one session.

·       The amygdala, the brain’s alarm center, reduces activity.

·       As neuropsychologist Donald Hebb first proposed in 1949, “neurons that fire together wire together.” This means that when you focus on stress while calming the body, you help weaken old neural pathways of distress and build new ones linked to safety and regulation.

Hundreds of clinical trials and meta-analyses support these effects—see the Research & References section at the end of this article.

Where to Tap

In Basic EFT, there are 9 main points:

• Side of Hand (“karate chop”)

• Eyebrow

• Side of Eye

• Under Eye

• Under Nose

• Chin

• Collarbone

• Under Arm

• Top of Head

Some practitioners also tap wrists or fingers—but these 9 are your foundation.

What to Say While You Tap

A simple script often works:

Start with a specific issue when possible. For example, “this fight I had with my friend” and rate your distress about the fight on a 0-10 Subjective Units of Distress (SUDS) scale.

While recommendations are to be specific,  you can start with a general feeling as well, and like, “I have anxiety/stress/pain.”

1.       Rate the intensity of your distress the 0-10 SUDS scale

1. Name the issue: “Even though I have this anxiety…”

2. Add acceptance: “…I accept myself and my feelings.”

3. Release statement: “…and I give myself permission to relax now.”

Even if it feels strange at first, facing what’s uncomfortable while grounding yourself helps your nervous system learn, you’re safe.

Try It Now—One Minute. Basic EFT Tapping.

1.       Rate your stress on a scale of 0–10.

1. Tap the side of your hand while saying 1-3 times: “Even though I have this anxiety, I accept myself and all these feelings, and I choose to relax now.”

• If the “I accept myself” part feels too “woo,” you can swap it out for “this is where I’m at,” or “I acknowledge how I feel,”  or “I accept myself as best as I can.”  The last part can also vary- “And I choose to relax now,” or “It’s safe to relax now,” or “I’m open to letting this go.”  Remember- EFT works best when the words are specific to you and your actual experience.

2. Tap through the 9 points, using a brief phrase like “this anxiety,” or “this neck pain”

3. Breathe. Re-rate your stress on the 0-10 scale.

Even a small drop means your body noticed: We’re safe now.

How do I know if EFT is working?

Sometimes EFT makes you feel calmer, lighter, and more spacious. Your irritation may be gone. You can breathe more freely. If you really want to test it out- measure your blood pressure and heart rate after a few rounds of EFT, and track the data.

 It’s also common while tapping to yawn, feel tired, and to notice new thoughts or emotional shifts occur.  That’s not a sign something is wrong—it’s actually the opposite. It means energy, feelings, pain, thought patterns,  are all shifting.

Here’s why: Every cell in your body has an electrical charge. Signals travel through your nerves via tiny ions like sodium and potassium, down to the level of the cell membrane. Emotions themselves show up as different electrical frequencies in the body—think about the difference between the energy of calm vs. the energy of panic.

When you’re stressed, your whole system carries that “high-alert” frequency. Over time, this is linked with more pain, inflammation, and even chronic health problems.

EFT works by calming the nervous system at a chemical, electrical, and physiological level. As your body moves out of fight-or-flight, old emotions may release on their way out. It’s not new age, nor quackery- it’s your biology rebalancing. Yes, it can feel weird. But weird doesn’t mean it’s not real.

My Experience Teaching EFT

I have been practicing and teaching EFT since 2019 to about 80% of my clients, per their request—and nearly 78% report that it’s been a game changer.

Most use it solo for stress relief. About half bring it into session for EFT Coaching, for deeper work— around negative beliefs or guided emotional shifts, especially when there is trauma or complex and highly emotional situations.

I also use EFT to help clients build intuition. When you’re anxious, your body feels different than when you’re grounded and clear. A simple tap on intuition, and releasing blocks of self doubt—at your pace—can shift your inner landscape.

Real-Life Moments

I’ve had clients walk in tense and wired. After just three (or less) rounds of tapping, (which can take under 5 minutes) their breathing slows, shoulders release, and they often say:

“Wow… I feel lighter.” “My neck almost has no pain.” “I am so much more calm. My anxiety is basically at a 2 or 3 (when it started at an 8).” This is what I hear almost every day. 

That change—gentle and real—never gets old.

Quick Scripts for Everyday Issues

• For stress: “Even though I feel overwhelmed, I accept myself and how I feel.”

• For sleep: “Even though my mind is racing, I give myself permission to rest.”

• For intuition: “Even though I doubt myself, I want to hear my inner voice more clearly.”

• You can even tap on the points, or pick one point, and breathe. For five minutes or less- and you’ll like start to notice a shift.

You’re naming it, accepting it, and giving yourself permission to shift. That’s the essence of EFT.

Common Questions About EFT – With Answers.

Q: What if I’m too tired, too stressed, or too busy to think about what to say, and tap on all these points?
Don’t worry—you can practice silent tapping or even just press on one point while taking some slow breaths. It still helps. In fact, if you’re completely fried, this minimalist approach may be best. It gives your nervous system just enough space to relax and bring blood flow back to the frontal cortex—the part of your brain that handles logic and decision-making.

Q: How long do I have to tap for?
There’s no magic number. For everyday stress, many people notice a shift in as little as 4–5 minutes—from fight-or-flight to rest-and-digest. If you’re tapping around deeper issues or trauma (ideally with a practitioner), sessions may last longer—sometimes up to an hour. The key is to listen to your body. Stop when you feel done.

Q: Isn’t EFT just a distraction—like an easier version of meditation?
Nope. EFT is actually the opposite of distraction. Instead of avoiding stress, you focus directly on it—while tapping calms the nervous system at the same time. That’s why people often feel less overwhelmed about the very thing that was upsetting them minutes ago.

Q: Can’t I just tap on any points since they’re all acupuncture points?
You can experiment—but the 9 basic points listed here are the ones studied in clinical research. They’re the most tested and consistent for results. Think of them as your “home base” before exploring other points. EFT is forgiving; it’s hard to “do it wrong.” But using the standard points makes it easier to track what actually works.

Q: Isn’t this just the placebo effect?
Research shows EFT consistently outperforms waitlist, talk-only, and even “sham tapping” controls for anxiety, PTSD, depression, and pain. Dismantling studies prove the tapping itself matters—emotional distress drops far more when tapping is included. Biological markers like cortisol (sometimes dropping by up to 43%) and brain activity also shift significantly after EFT—changes not seen in control groups. So while every therapy has some placebo effect, EFT goes well beyond it.

Q: When should I tap?
Whenever you like! In fact, it’s best to learn tapping before you’re in serious distress. That way, your body already knows what to do when things get intense. Tapping is cumulative: the more you practice, the more you “clear out,” and the easier it becomes for your nervous system to shift into a parasympathetic or “ventral vagal” state as soon as you start tapping.

Q: Can I just tap on positive affirmations?
You can, but it usually doesn’t stick unless you first tap on the doubts or stress underneath. EFT works best when you lower the emotional charge before adding positive statements. Once your SUDS level is down, then affirmations like “I accept myself” or “I’m open to feeling worthy” can help rewire your thinking.

Watch (and tap-along) EFT in Action: Three Different Styles

Here’s how different EFT approaches look and feel—pick one that matches your vibe and go with it:

• How to Tap with Jessica Ortner: Emotional Freedom Technique Informational Video
  Jessica’s style is structured and beginner-friendly. She is clear, calm, and perfect if you like defined guidance.

• A Simple Way to Help Process Anxiety – Tapping with Brad Yates
  Brad, known as “The Tapping Dad of YouTube,” brings a playful, creative energy. He’s humorous, metaphor-rich, and makes EFT feel light and joyful.

• Fast Solution for Stress & Digestive Problems: EFT Tapping Technique with Michael Hetherington
  Michael’s approach is slower, meditative, and body-centered. His approach is perfect for those craving a gentle, grounded experience.

Try a round from each, or any channel you are drawn to, and see which vibe lands with your nervous system.

A Note for Trauma Survivors

If emotions feel too intense while tapping, pause. EFT is generally considered safe, but for long-held trauma or deep distress, working with a trained practitioner can make a big difference.

It isn’t usually recommended to “tap on trauma” by yourself—especially if the memories or sensations feel overwhelming. You’re in charge of your own well-being, so go at a pace that feels safe. A first step might be something simple: silent tapping on one point, combined with slow breathing, or gentle acupressure on a point that feels comfortable. The goal is to support your nervous system, not flood it.

Gentle Tapping Tips when distress is high

• Start small: Choose one point, like the collarbone or side of the hand, and tap gently while breathing slowly.

• Stay present: Keep your eyes open, look around the room, and notice something comforting as you tap.

• Use neutral words: Instead of naming the trauma, you can simply say, “I’m safe right now,” “I want to come to a calm and peaceful place,” or “I’m noticing how my body feels,” or “I’m open to relaxing now,” as you tap.

• Pause anytime: If emotions feel too big, stop, breathe, and come back when you feel ready.

• Seek support: A trained EFT practitioner or EFT trained trauma-informed therapist can help guide you safely through deeper layers

A Note on EFT for Manifestation

Clinically, EFT has the strongest research support for stress, anxiety, and trauma symptoms. But if you type “EFT tapping” into YouTube, you’ll quickly see a tidal wave of videos for manifesting money, love, abundance, and everything in between.

This part of EFT hasn’t been studied in clinical trials. Yet many people swear by it. As Brad Yates summarizes it:

“To the extent that we don’t have what we say we want is the extent that we are subconsciously resisting it.”

Here’s how it works in theory: Say you want more money. Imagine someone just handed you $5 million. What feelings come up? Excitement? Guilt? Fear? Everyone has a “money story”—beliefs and emotions shaped by family, culture, and personal experience.

Manifestation tapping focuses on clearing those hidden blocks so you feel freer to notice opportunities, take action, and create change. Some people even report “out of the blue” results, but more often, they find themselves thinking more creatively, making braver decisions, and recognizing resources that were already available.

EFT clears emotional charge, shifts your attention, and—depending on your beliefs—may ripple into your actions or even your energy field. I sometimes work with clients who blend manifestation tapping with grounded therapeutic work. EFT is gentle and adaptable—use it in the way that resonates with you.

Ready to Try EFT Yourself?

Here’s how to get going:

• Find YouTube guides that feel you—start with what channels resonate with you.

Tap on behaviors, events, sensations, emotions, beliefs, any way that suits your pace- gently facing the distress, accepting your current experience, and intention to release any distress while creating safety in the mind and body.

If curiosity turns into creative exploration—or you want support building a deeper practice—there are plenty of practitioners you can work with out there!

If this resonated with you- I also coach people using EFT for anxiety, core beliefs, cravings, trauma, enhancing intuition, and even manifestation.   

References for EFT Research & Exploration

Books & Foundational Texts

• The Science Behind Tapping – Peta Stapleton (2022). A comprehensive, research-based deep dive into EFT’s mechanisms and applications.

• The EFT Manual – Dawson Church. Foundational text covering EFT history, methods, and clinical research.

• Energy Psychology: A Review of the Preliminary Evidence and Integrating the Manual Stimulation of Acupuncture Points into Psychotherapy – David Feinstein. Early evidence summaries and integration strategies for tapping-based methods.

• Enjoy Emotional Freedom – Steve Wells & David Lake. A practical guide from the Australian psychologists behind Simple Energy Techniques (SET) and “habit tapping,” focusing on emotional regulation and daily use.

Key Studies & Meta-Analyses

• Church, D. et al. (2012) The Effect of Emotional Freedom Techniques on Stress Biochemistry: A Randomized Controlled Trial – Anxiety reduced by ~58% and cortisol by ~24% after one EFT session.

• Stapleton, P. et al. (2020) Reexamining the Effect of EFT on Stress Biochemistry – Even greater cortisol reduction (~43%) compared to standard stress-reduction methods.

• Church & Stapleton (2022) Clinical EFT as an Evidence-Based Practice – Systematic reviews confirm moderate to large effects for anxiety, depression, PTSD, pain, and stress biomarkers.

Websites & Practical Tools

• EFT International – Practitioner directories, trainings, and research summaries.

• EFT Universe – Courses, workshops, and resources by Dawson Church.

• Intention Tapping – Steve Wells & David Lake’s site with practical tools for habit tapping and SET.

• Evidence-Based EFT – Research-based EFT training led by Dr. Peta Stapleton.

• The Tapping Solution – Jessica & Nick Ortner’s site with guided tapping meditations, research summaries, and a free app for daily practice.

When Behavioral Health Meets Physical Therapy: The Missing Link in Injury Recovery

We often operate as though mental health and physical health live in separate neighborhoods—one “in the head,” the other “in the body.” But if you’ve ever felt your shoulders tighten with stress or cried because you couldn’t do something you once loved, you know: they’re next-door neighbors. Probably sharing a duplex, arguing over the thermostat, and borrowing each other’s coping mechanisms.

As a psychotherapist with a background in fitness, anatomy, and injury rehabilitation, I’ve spent years walking the line between both worlds. And I’m here to say: when physical therapy ignores the emotional toll of injury, it misses a critical piece of the healing process.

The Moment I Knew Something Was Missing

In 2018, after 20 years in the mental health field and teaching in fitness and providing personal training (plus tutoring anatomy and physiology), I considered going to PT school. I took refresher courses from undergrad, and spent a year volunteering in outpatient clinics to gather required observation hours.

During every single shift—without fail—a patient would come up to me, assume I was a PT (likely because of my age), and confide in me about their depression, frustration, or anxiety related to their injury.

And they weren’t looking for therapy. They were looking for someone who would just listen.

As someone with my own chronic injuries and connective tissue issues, I got it. Not just intellectually, but in my cells. I also noticed that most PTs—kind, skilled, and well-meaning as they were—didn’t usually engage when patients shared these emotional moments.

They’d redirect, continue tasks, or shift gears—not out of malice, but likely without realizing it was a key moment to build rapport and strengthen the patient-provider connection. Research shows that when patients feel heard and seen, they’re more likely to follow treatment plans and achieve better outcomes [1, 5].

I realized—and later confirmed—that interpersonal and relational skills are rarely emphasized in most training programs, despite their proven impact on patient adherence, satisfaction, and healing outcomes [2, 5].

So I Developed a Training

I created a two-part training for Physical and Occupational Therapy clinics.

Part 1:

• The interpersonal side of patient care

• Why empathy matters in brief but pivotal moments

• Evidence-based communication tools to build trust, validate distress, and strengthen the therapeutic alliance

Part 2:

• Recognizing signs of common mental health concerns that may affect PT participation—like depression, anxiety, trauma, or grief after a major injury

How It Was Received

· Occupational therapists showed the most interest. They’re often trained to consider emotional and psychological barriers to treatment and immediately saw the relevance.

· Some PTs were enthusiastic, already incorporating empathy into their practice, and shared examples of how this had benefitted their patients.

· Many PTs and clinics, however, expressed limited interest. Some misunderstood the focus, assuming it was a chronic pain training, while others felt too pressed for time to participate.

In some cases, some assumed I was suggesting they provide psychotherapy during PT sessions—which was never the point.

The training was designed to highlight that they already have the ability, and to stress the importance of not missing those brief but pivotal moments, when a patient expresses psychological distress related to their injury. Often, a simple heartfelt acknowledgment is all that’s needed to make a difference.

It was a telling response—and a reminder of how easily interpersonal skills can be overlooked and undervalued in busy clinical settings.

But Here’s the Research

This isn’t just a “nice-to-have.” It’s not fluff. It’s clinical. It’s measurable. It’s effective.

Studies show that:

• Physicians with higher empathy deliver better clinical outcomes for patients with chronic illnesses such as diabetes—for example, improved glycemic control and fewer complications [1, 4].

• Higher empathy in healthcare providers is linked to improved pain tolerance, stronger therapeutic alliance, greater treatment adherence, and better functional outcomes in rehab settings [5, 6].

• A systematic review found that greater empathy is highly associated with better clinical outcomes and enhanced patient care experiences [2, 3].

• In physical rehabilitation, alliance and rapport predict treatment adherence and improved functional outcomes [5].

Yet most PT training programs spend little time teaching interpersonal communication or how to respond when a patient suddenly says, “I’m scared I’ll never dance again.”

This Isn’t Therapy. This Is Just Being Human.

I’m not at all suggesting that PTs diagnose patients, treat trauma, or extend sessions by 30 minutes.

I’m highlighting something much simpler: recognize the moment when a patient needs to feel seen—and meet it.

Even a brief and well-intentioned response like:

“That sounds really hard. I hear you,” can change how that person feels about their body, their injury, and their care.

Those are the moments people remember.
They’re also the moments that shape your rapport, your outcomes, and your referrals—whether you’re a solo practitioner or part of a large clinic.

Mini Self-Check for Providers

✅ Do I pause and acknowledge when a patient expresses emotional distress?
✅ Do I feel confident responding with brief but validating language?
✅ Am I comfortable staying present, even if I can’t “fix” the emotional concern?
✅ Have I ever asked a patient how their injury has impacted their mental or emotional well-being?
✅ Do I feel curious—or defensive—when reading this?

If you answered “no” to most of these, that’s okay. This isn’t about judgment.
It’s about growth. And growth starts with awareness.

Final Thoughts: It’s Time to Bridge the Gap

If you’re a PT, you don’t need to become a therapist.
But connection and attunement are just as important in the clinic as they are everywhere—especially in those crucial “make or break” moments when a patient’s motivation, emotional state, or self-worth is hanging in the balance.

Patients who feel heard stick with their program. They come back. They get better.

If you’re a clinic owner, a school administrator, or a continuing education coordinator:
It’s time to include this training in your curriculum. Not because it’s trendy, but because it changes lives—and the research backs it up.

💬 Let’s bring this to your clinic or program.

Visit www.cecilylongotherapy.com to inquire. Trainings are customizable for student groups, staff in-services, or continuing ed workshops.

Disclaimer: I’m not a medical doctor or prescriber. This content is for general information only and isn’t a substitute for professional medical advice. Always consult a qualified healthcare provider about your health.

References

1. Del Canale, S., et al. (2012). The Relationship Between Physician Empathy and Disease Complications: An Empirical Study of Primary Care Physicians and Their Diabetic Patients. Academic Medicine, 87(9), 1243–1249.

2. Derksen, F., Bensing, J., & Lagro-Janssen, A. (2013). Effectiveness of empathy in general practice: A systematic review. British Journal of General Practice, 63(606), e76–e84.

3. Mercer, S. W., & Reynolds, W. J. (2002). Empathy and quality of care. British Journal of General Practice, 52(Suppl), S9–S12.

4. Hojat, M., et al. (2011). Physicians’ empathy and clinical outcomes for diabetic patients. Academic Medicine, 86(3), 359–364.

5. Hall, A. M., et al. (2010). The influence of the therapist-patient relationship on treatment outcome in physical rehabilitation: A systematic review. Physical Therapy, 90(8), 1099–1110.

6. Fuentes, J., et al. (2014). Enhanced therapeutic alliance modulates pain intensity and muscle pain sensitivity in patients with chronic low back pain: An experimental controlled study. Physical Therapy, 94(4), 477–489.

When Medications Hurt Instead of Help: Understanding Iatrogenic Injury and Psychiatric Medication Withdrawal

Written by Cecily Longo, LMFT

A Note Before We Begin

I am not a doctor, physician, or prescriber.

This article covers a topic that is deeply important to me—both professionally and personally.

As a therapist, I have witnessed many clients benefit greatly from psychiatric medications. I have also seen many individuals harmed by them.

Here, I focus on how therapists, within their scope of practice, can support clients who are experiencing a difficult tapering process with antidepressants or benzodiazepines—when those medications have been taken exactly as prescribed.

I have researched this topic extensively and have included credible sources for the facts presented, along with resources for those who wish to explore further—whether for professional or personal reasons.

This post is not anti-medication. It’s not here to tell anyone what to take, stop, or question. That’s a deeply personal decision, best made in collaboration with a trusted, knowledgeable medical provider.

It’s not about being “for” or “against” psychiatric medication—it’s about understanding the full picture: the research, the risks, the realities, and the stories that too often go unheard, particularly for the 30%+ of people who experience significant challenges both short- and long-term.

My goal is simple: to offer what many never received—true informed consent.

If these medications have helped you? That’s valid. That’s real.
If they’ve harmed you? That’s valid, too.

Both truths can coexist—and this article holds space for both.

Before We Explore Iatrogenic Harm

Here’s a quick, research-based checklist of what some commonly prescribed psychiatric medications do well.

This list is not exhaustive and does not cover every psychiatric medication, but it highlights key, evidence-supported benefits for antidepressants and benzodiazepines when used appropriately and under medical supervision.

What Antidepressants Do Well: Fast Facts

• 2 out of 3 people respond positively to antidepressants, compared to 1 in 3 on placebo (Cipriani et al., 2018, The Lancet).

• 67% response rate in adult depression trials with many SSRIs/SNRIs (PMC article).

• Some of the most effective & well-tolerated meds include escitalopram, sertraline, vortioxetine, and desvenlafaxine (Nature Reviews).

• For dysthymia (chronic low-grade depression), SSRIs are 55% effective vs. 31% for placebo.

• With structured support, 42–68% of people successfully discontinue antidepressants without relapse over 1–5 years (Horowitz et al., 2021; The Times UK).

• Withdrawal symptoms are common but often temporary: about 15–30% report them; with slow tapering, rates may drop to under 5%.

• Many people stay on these medications safely and without complication—especially when paired with therapy, lifestyle change, and medical monitoring.

What Benzodiazepines Do Well: Fast Facts

• Rapid anxiety relief – Onset within minutes to hours, making them effective for acute panic attacks, severe anxiety spikes, and crisis stabilization (Lader, 2011).

• Short-term insomnia treatment – Can help initiate and maintain sleep for short periods (generally ≤ 2–4 weeks) when other strategies have failed.

• Procedural and medical sedation – Used in dentistry, surgery, and diagnostic procedures to reduce anxiety and induce calm.

• Muscle relaxation – Helpful in acute muscle spasms, neurological disorders (e.g., multiple sclerosis), and post-injury recovery.

• Seizure control – Fast-acting rescue medication for status epilepticus and acute seizure clusters.

• Adjunct in trauma care – Short-term use to manage acute distress after traumatic events while other treatments are initiated.

• Bridge therapy – Can temporarily stabilize symptoms during the initial weeks of starting an antidepressant, before the antidepressant takes full effect.

Who May Benefit From This Article

This article is intended for clinicians seeking to better understand and support clients experiencing troubling symptoms related to the prolonged use—and tapering—of psychiatric medications, as well as for individuals navigating this complex path themselves.

If you or someone you work with has experienced destabilizing, unexplained, or distressing symptoms after long-term use of a psychiatric medication—or during the process of reducing or stopping one—or if a medication that once seemed helpful now appears to be making things worse, this may speak directly to your experience.

What Is Iatrogenic Injury?

Iatrogenic injury refers to harm caused by medical treatment itself.

In the context of psychiatric medication, it means the symptoms or complications that can arise from the very medications intended to help—especially during or after a taper.

This can include physical, cognitive, and emotional symptoms that are often misunderstood or misdiagnosed.

As a trauma-informed therapist, I’ve worked with many clients who were prescribed psychiatric medications long-term—sometimes for decades—without fully understanding the potential for tolerance, neuroadaptation, or withdrawal.

When these medications are reduced or stopped, some people experience destabilizing symptoms that are frequently mischaracterized as relapse or a new mental illness.

Again—this article is not anti-medication. Many people benefit from psychiatric medications, and for some, they are lifesaving.

The goal here is to increase awareness of the need for improved informed consent, clinician awareness, and trauma-informed support for those who are harmed—especially when they took their medication exactly as prescribed.

Why This Happens: Tolerance, Tachyphylaxis, and Nervous System Disruption

Tolerance: The nervous system adapts to the presence of a drug, requiring more of it to achieve the same effect. Tolerance can develop even at low doses and with compliant use—especially with benzodiazepines and antidepressants. This process occurs due to receptor downregulation, meaning the brain reduces the number or sensitivity of receptors the substance interacts with, diminishing the drug’s effectiveness over time.

Tachyphylaxis (a.k.a. Prozac poop-out): A sudden or gradual loss of medication effectiveness despite continued use.

Withdrawal: A set of symptoms that can arise when a medication is reduced or discontinued. These symptoms may range from mild to debilitating—and can persist for months or even years in some cases after the medication is discontinued or tapered.

Kindling: A phenomenon where each successive withdrawal becomes more severe, reflecting heightened nervous system sensitization over time.

Tolerance Withdrawal: Another poorly understood but important phenomenon—when withdrawal-like symptoms emerge even while still taking the medication at a stable dose.

This is well-documented with benzodiazepines, where the brain adapts to the drug’s effects over time, and the existing dose no longer adequately regulates GABA (gamma-aminobutyric acid).

The result is a paradoxical worsening of symptoms—like anxiety, panic, cognitive fog, insomnia, and nervous system hypersensitivity—despite medication compliance. This is due to the downregulation of the receptors that bind to the drug.

With antidepressants, a related concept called tachyphylaxis involves a gradual or sudden loss of efficacy. While not always labeled as tolerance withdrawal, it similarly reflects neuroadaptive changes and may cause emotional or physiological destabilization even before tapering begins.

Commonly Prescribed Medications

Many clients are prescribed psychiatric medications for a range of symptoms and diagnoses—including Major Depressive Disorder (MDD), Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), panic disorder, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), insomnia (though not technically a stand-alone diagnosis), and a wide variety of other mental health concerns.

These medications may be prescribed for months, years, or even decades—sometimes without reevaluation or full awareness of the risks involved in long-term use.

Benzodiazepines

Often prescribed for anxiety, panic attacks, acute stress, insomnia, muscle spasms, and sometimes off-label for PTSD or as adjuncts in depression or pain management.

Common benzodiazepines include:

• Alprazolam (Xanax)

• Clonazepam (Klonopin)

• Lorazepam (Ativan)

• Diazepam (Valium)

• Temazepam (Restoril)

Though originally approved for short-term use (typically 2–4 weeks), many clients remain on these medications far longer, increasing the risk of tolerance, dependence, and serious—even life-threatening—withdrawal complications.

Antidepressants

Primarily prescribed for major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety, panic disorder, social anxiety, PTSD, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), PMDD, and chronic pain syndromes.

Some are also used off-label for insomnia, eating disorders, and hot flashes.

Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors (SSRIs):

• Fluoxetine (Prozac)

• Sertraline (Zoloft)

• Escitalopram (Lexapro)

• Paroxetine (Paxil)

• Citalopram (Celexa)

Serotonin-Norepinephrine Reuptake Inhibitors (SNRIs):

• Venlafaxine (Effexor XR)

• Duloxetine (Cymbalta)

• Desvenlafaxine (Pristiq)

Although these medications can be lifesaving for some, others experience tolerance, emotional blunting, or withdrawal symptoms that may mimic or exceed the severity of their original condition—especially after long-term use or abrupt changes in dosing.

The Neurotransmitters Involved: GABA, Glutamate, and Serotonin

Benzodiazepines directly affect the brain’s GABA-A receptors—which regulate calming, sleep, and anxiety. Long-term use can lead to downregulation of these receptors and upregulation of glutamate, the brain’s primary excitatory chemical.

During withdrawal, this imbalance can result in severe overactivation of the nervous system—manifesting as anxiety, akathisia, tremors, cognitive impairment, and even seizures (Ashton Manual).

SSRIs and SNRIs affect serotonin reuptake and receptor sensitivity. After months or years of use, the brain may adapt by reducing natural serotonin signaling or altering receptor density.

When these medications are reduced too quickly, withdrawal symptoms can include mood swings, dizziness, electric shock sensations ("brain zaps"), and emotional numbness (Davies & Read, 2019).

These are neurophysiological processes—not character flaws, emotional weakness, or simply a “return” of the original condition.

Unfortunately, many clients are told that their symptoms during withdrawal or tapering are proof their underlying illness is returning, when in fact, these symptoms may be the result of nervous system adaptations caused by the medication itself.

A Note on Z-Drugs and Mood Stabilizers
While this article focuses primarily on benzodiazepines and antidepressants, it's important to note that Z-drugs (like zolpidem (Ambien) and eszopiclone(Lunesta)), often prescribed for sleep, also act on GABA-A receptors and can produce similar tolerance and withdrawal symptoms (Schifano, 2019), (NICE, 2022)

Mood stabilizers (e.g., lamotrigine, lithium, valproate) are a more varied category pharmacologically, and while less commonly discussed in withdrawal communities, they can still require thoughtful tapering under expert supervision. As always, individual responses vary, and informed, personalized care with an informed presciber is essential (Geddes et al., 2004), (Calabrese et al., 2003).

How Common Is Iatrogenic Injury?

Long-term use of psychiatric medication is increasingly common. Yet long-term studies are lacking.

• Most antidepressant trials are conducted over 6–12 weeks, while many people remain on them for years or decades (Hengartner, 2020).

• Withdrawal symptoms are common: 56% of patients experience withdrawal after stopping antidepressants, and 46% report them as severe (Davies & Read, 2019).

• Benzodiazepine withdrawal is well-documented, with some symptoms emerging even after short-term use.

• Despite being labeled as addictive, fewer than 2% of patients prescribed benzodiazepines misuse them (Jones & McAninch, 2015). Most take them exactly as prescribed—yet still develop physiological dependence.

Dependence vs. Addiction vs. Tolerance vs. Misuse vs. Abuse

Language matters. Many people harmed by psychiatric medications are mislabeled as “addicted” when their experience is iatrogenic dependence, not substance use disorder.

• Dependence: The body adapts to a medication, and withdrawal occurs if it’s stopped or reduced. This can happen with appropriate, as-prescribed use.

• Addiction: Involves compulsive use, craving, and loss of control. Most long-term psychiatric medication users do not meet this criteria. This is more behavioral and often accompanies abuse of a substance.

• Tolerance: A neuroadaptive process where increasing doses are needed to achieve the same effect.

• Misuse: Taking medication outside the prescribed parameters. This differs from substance abuse and addiction.

Definitions from DSM-5-TR, NIDA, and WHO

Substance Abuse (older term; now folded into Substance Use Disorder):
Refers to a pattern of harmful or hazardous use of psychoactive substances, including alcohol and illicit drugs. In earlier diagnostic models (DSM-IV), it was considered less severe than dependence.

Addiction (clinical shorthand; not a standalone DSM diagnosis):
A chronic, relapsing brain disease characterized by:

• Compulsive substance use

• Loss of control over intake

• Continued use despite negative consequences

• Often involves craving, tolerance, and withdrawal

Key differences in addiction vs. dependence:

• Addiction involves behavioral dysregulation and compulsion.

• Dependence is physical adaptation to a substance (can occur without addiction).

• You can have dependence without addiction (e.g., many patients on antidepressants or benzodiazepines).

• You can have addiction without physical dependence (e.g., behavioral addictions or early-stage SUD).

Why Antidepressants Aren’t Considered Addictive—But Benzodiazepines Are

Many people ask:
"If antidepressants cause withdrawal symptoms, doesn’t that mean they’re addictive?"

The answer lies in how we define addiction versus dependence.

• Antidepressants (like SSRIs and SNRIs) can lead to physical dependence, but they don’t typically cause craving, compulsive use, or a “high.”

• Benzodiazepines affect the brain’s GABA system, producing calming or euphoric effects for some users, making them more reinforcing.

In short:

• Antidepressants = dependence possible, addiction unlikely.

• Benzodiazepines = dependence and addiction both possible, especially with long-term or unsupervised use.

What Therapy Can—and Can’t—Do

I am not a prescriber. I do not offer medical tapering plans. But therapy can be a powerful part of healing.

Therapy can support:

• Nervous system regulation (grounding, breathwork, EFT Tapping)

• Emotional processing, grief, and identity shifts

• Somatic and parts work (e.g., Internal Family Systems)

• Making meaning of medical trauma and rebuilding self-trust

• Validation of experiences often dismissed or misdiagnosed

Therapy may not be helpful when:

• It pathologizes withdrawal as relapse

• It relies solely on cognitive models (like traditional CBT) that bypass emotional and physiological regulation

• It focuses on symptom “fixing” rather than nervous system support

What I Offer

I provide trauma-informed, emotionally attuned therapy for clients navigating psychiatric medication withdrawal and healing from iatrogenic injury.

This includes safe, non-pathologizing support for clients who are tapering, holding, or recovering from medications—especially benzodiazepines and antidepressants.

This work isn’t for everyone. But for those going through it, you know how real it is—and you don’t have to go through it alone.

Important Disclaimer

I am not a prescriber, de-prescriber, or tapering advisor. I do not provide medical guidance or make recommendations about whether you should taper.

If you have concerns about your current medication, its risks, or whether tapering is appropriate for you, please consult a licensed medical provider trained in safe deprescribing protocols.

Tapering psychiatric medications carries significant clinical risks and should always be done under medical supervision.

The most up-to-date recommendations reflect hyperbolic tapering, as outlined in the Maudsley Deprescribing Guidelines by Dr. Mark Horowitz. These guidelines emphasize gradual, individualized reductions based on scientific research and the patient’s unique symptom response—rather than rigid dose intervals or timelines.

If you choose to taper, finding a prescriber familiar with these methods can make a critical difference.

References & Resources

Key Clinical Manuals and Guidelines

• The Ashton Manual – Comprehensive manual on benzodiazepine withdrawal by Professor Heather Ashton
  https://www.benzoinfo.com/ashtonmanual

• Maudsley Prescribing Guidelines in Psychiatry – Horowitz, M., Taylor, D. & Davies, J. (2023). Offers deprescribing guidance for psychiatric medications.
  Maudsley Guidelines on Wiley

Research on Antidepressants

• Cipriani et al., 2018 (The Lancet) – Network meta-analysis: all 21 antidepressants more effective than placebo in acute MDD; comparative efficacy/acceptability.
  The Lancet – PubMed

• Davies & Read, 2019 (Addictive Behaviors) – Systematic review: withdrawal incidence ~56%; ~46% severe among those with symptoms; duration can be months+ for some.
  PubMed Link

• Horowitz & Taylor, 2019 (Lancet Psychiatry) – Hyperbolic tapering rationale for SSRIs to mitigate withdrawal; taper much slower to very low doses.
  The Lancet Psychiatry

• Hengartner, 2020 (Ther Adv Psychopharmacol) – Critical review of relapse-prevention trials and withdrawal confounding in long-term antidepressant evidence.
  PMC Link

• Mood Stabilizers

• Calabrese JR, Bowden CL, Sachs GS, et al. A placebo-controlled 18-month trial of lamotrigine and lithium maintenance treatment in recently manic or hypomanic patients with bipolar I disorder. JAMA Psychiatry (Arch Gen Psychiatry). 2003;60(4):392-400. doi:10.1001/archpsyc.60.4.39 - Landmark trial showing lamotrigine and lithium prevent relapse better than placebo.

• Geddes JR, Burgess S, Hawton K, et al. Long-term lithium therapy for bipolar disorder: systematic review and meta-analysis of randomized controlled trials. Am J Psychiatry. 2004;161(2):217-222. doi:

Research on Benzodiazepines

• Ashton Manual – Classic clinical manual on benzodiazepine withdrawal, including tolerance withdrawal and protracted symptoms.
  Benzodiazepine Information Coalition

• Lader, 2011/2014 (Addiction; Br J Gen Pract) – Reviews of benzodiazepine adverse effects, dependence/abuse potential, and long-term risks.
  PubMed – Addiction

• Blanco et al., 2018 (J Clin Psychiatry/PMC) – US epidemiology: among benzo users, ~17% report misuse at least once; ~1.5% meet use-disorder criteria (supports the “misuse/addiction ≠ everyone on benzos” point).
  PMC Link

  Z-Drugs

• Schifano F. An insight into Z-drug abuse and dependence. Front Pharmacol. 2019;10:617. doi:10.3389/fphar.2019.00617- Comprehensive review of zolpidem, zopiclone, zaleplon misuse, dependence, and withdrawal effects.

• National Institute for Health and Care Excellence (NICE). Medicines associated with dependence or withdrawal symptoms: safe prescribing and withdrawal management for adults (NG215). 2022.- Official UK guideline explicitly noting Z-drug dependence potential and safe withdrawal strategies.

• Core Guidance & Definitions

• NICE (UK) – Quality statement on stopping antidepressants (taper in stages to reduce withdrawal).
  NICE Guidance

• Royal College of Psychiatrists (RCPsych) – Position statement PS04/19: Antidepressants and depression (acknowledges severe/prolonged withdrawal for some; recommends gradual reduction & support).
  RCPsych Position Statement

• FDA (US) – 2020 class-wide Boxed Warning update for benzodiazepines (abuse, misuse, addiction, physical dependence, withdrawal).
  FDA Drug Safety Communication

• National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA) – Official definition of addiction (compulsive use despite harm; chronic/relapsing).
  NIDA Definition

Mechanisms & Clinical Differentiation

• Horowitz & colleagues, 2022–2023 – Differentiating withdrawal vs relapse; step-change in guidance summaries.
  British Journal of General Practice

Patient-Facing & Clinician Resources

• Benzodiazepine Information Coalition – Education, advocacy, curated research on benzo harms & tapering.
  https://www.benzoinfo.com

• The Inner Compass Initiative / The Withdrawal Project – Peer-led support and tapering guidance.
  https://www.theinnercompass.org

• Outro Health – A tapering clinic that offers support for medication withdrawal.
  https://www.outro.com

• True You Psychiatry – Integrative, taper-informed psychiatrist specializing in de-prescribing psychiatric medications
  www.trueyoupsych.com

• NICE/RCPsych Patient Pages – Clear, public-facing explanations that withdrawal can be severe and long-lasting for some; need for gradual taper.
  Royal College of Psychiatrists Patient Info

Disclaimer

While I am not a medical doctor or prescriber, this article reflects my professional experience as a therapist and my own extensive research on this topic. It is not intended to serve as medical advice. Always consult with a qualified prescriber when making changes to any psychiatric medication.

Help! I’m Stuck in the Scroll Hole of Doom and I Can’t Get Out! - A modern survival guide for when your nervous system gets hijacked by WiFi.

This isn’t your typical “how to stop doomscrolling” post. There’s plenty of that out there to scroll by.
Today, you won’t find productivity hacks, generic, repetitive instructions, or any shame.
Just a little self-awareness, a few nervous system resets, and a gentle reminder that you're more okay than you think—you’re just overstimulated and emotionally maxed out.

Welcome to the Scroll Hole™. Let’s crawl out—together.

This Substack is reader-supported. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

Hi. If you’re reading this, you’re already doing it.
You meant to check one thing.
Now it’s been 94 minutes, your eyes are dry, and you’ve accidentally read a 2 hour comment-argument about skincare between a 22-year-old influencer and a dermatologist named Pumpkin Spice.

Welcome to the Scroll Hole™.
We meet nightly. No dress code. Bring your regrets.

🧠 Why You Can’t Stop Scrolling (And It’s Not Your Fault)

You say, “I can’t stop scrolling! ” Or, “It’s 4 a.m. and I’ve been watching TikToks for four days—what is wrong with me?! I’m so lazy. I have to get to work.”

But here’s the 411 (information, dropped directly to you):

This isn’t laziness.

It’s a slick, expertly engineered Amygdala Ambush™—a modern attention trap designed to keep your stress circuits activated and your dopamine chasing more.
Scrolling or “Doomscrolling,” is often a coping mechanism, albeit not always a truly soothing one, for things like:

• Loneliness

• Boredom

• Overwhelm

• Avoidance

• Anxiety and Low Key Panic

• Grief, exhaustion, sadness

• Mental and emotional burnout

• The sinking, creeping feeling it’s all just too much

Doomscrolling isn’t necessarily self-sabotage. It’s self-regulation with a side of algorithmic sludge.

🚨 Scroll Hole™ Bingo

(Check all that apply. No shame.)

• You meant to check a text but ended up on your ex’s cousin’s engagement page.

• Your thumb is sore, but you kept on scrollin’.

• You’re now emotionally invested in a Reddit thread about someone else’s yeast infection.

• You keep seeing “10 hacks to stop scrolling”… and scroll right past them.

• You’ve used your phone so much it’s basically a body part. Is that my arm, or…..?

🧰 Scroll Hole™ First Aid Kit

Because your nervous system deserves better than TikTok at 2 a.m.

👀 1. Emotional Check-In Prompts

Checking in with what’s happening with your body, your mind, your life—that’s the whole idea behind these prompts.
To gently inquire:
What’s really behind my four-hour fascination with puppies jumping over unicorns… and whatever my BFF from 4th grade uses for concealer?

Maybe you're avoiding something.
Maybe you're tired.
Maybe you're just a human being trying to soothe your brain in a world that won’t stop yelling.

Here is an invitation to try pausing for 5 seconds, breath in once, breathe out once, when you're about to scroll (or 73 minutes into it), and ask:

• What am I actually feeling right now?

• What do I imagine would happen if I actually let myself feel it?

• Who or what am I avoiding in my life that I secretly can’t stand?

• Do I want to keep scrolling… or am I trying not to feel something?

• If scrolling didn’t exist, what would I be doing instead—and what about that scares me?

• What would be 1% kinder to my brain or body right now?

• What’s actually working about scrubbing through content for hours? What’s the payoff?

These aren’t for judgment. They’re for data.

Because sometimes four hours of puppies jumping over unicorns and tracking down your 4th grade best friend’s concealer brand… is about everything except what you’re watching.

Bonus mantra:
“This isn’t weakness. It’s wiring. And I can work with it.”

🧭 2. Micro Reset Ideas (Instead of Scrolling)

These won’t solve your entire life.
They won’t unlock your chakras, repair trust issues, or delete your ex’s birth chart.
But they will interrupt the spiral. And sometimes, that’s a win!

• 💧 Drink some water like it’s the antidote to whatever this is.

• 🙆‍♀️ Stretch your arms overhead like you’re reaching for the stars!

• 🪞 Stare at a wall and pretend you’re buffering.

• 🕯️ Light a candle and let out a dramatic sigh like your nervous system just landed in a fluffy cloud.

• 🚪 Put your phone in another room like you’re breaking up with it—but low key.

• 🧍‍♀️ Do absolutely nothing for one full minute and try not to combust.

• 🌬️ Try a breathing technique: Inhale. Hold. Exhale slowly. Rise, repeat, resist the urge to open TikTok. (It’ll be there when you come back)

• ✋ Do a round of EFT Tapping! (More on that below—no experience needed.)

🔁 3. Mini Boundaries That Might Actually Work

You don’t have to delete your apps and move to the forest.
You just need to stop letting your phone use you like an emotional support object with WiFi.

Try one:

• ⏰ Set a scroll timer (5–10 minutes, then pause, reassess, proceed)

• 🚶‍♀️ No scrolling while standing, walking, or pacing in your local coffee shop

• 🚽 Are you scrolling in the bathroom? Okay… but can you place it across the room like a trust exercise with yourself?

• 🛏️ No scrolling in bed—ok, unless it’s healing memes (ducks in hats, cute pets in sweaters, or raccoons doing yoga)

• 💬 Try telling your phone, “You’re not the boss of me,” out loud. It won’t help, but you might laugh, and that’s medicine!

🌿 Bonus- EFT Tapping to Reduce to Doom Scroll Doom. – No experience needed.

These simple, calming lines are adapted from Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT Tapping)—a powerful method where you use your fingertips to tap on nine designated acupressure points while stating what’s causing the stress. This helps rewire the brain by reducing cortisol and the fight/flight/freeze response in your amygdala- the stress center of the brain. Hello parasympathetic, and good-bye fired up sympathetic nervous system, and thank you EFT.

You don’t need to know how to tap to try this.

If you’ve never done EFT Tapping before, just read the words slowly—out loud or silently. Let them land in your body. You’re giving your brain something else to focus on—something validating and grounding.

You’re gently interrupting the scroll spiral, honoring what’s present, and setting the intention to let go of stress in your cells… while your nervous system does the rest.

🌱 Want to learn how to actually tap?
Stay tuned for my upcoming post on EFT Tapping! I’ll walk you through how to use it step-by-step, points and all. And if you're curious now, there's an abundance of excellent EFT Tapping content online.

✋ Scroll Spiral Reset Script (Say out loud or think silently, and breathe)

-Even if I’m so stressed out and I can’t stop doomscrolling, this is where I’m at right now—and I choose to relax.
-Even if I feel overwhelmed, stuck in the Scroll Hole, and unsure how to get out, I honor how I feel—and it’s safe to release this stress now.
-Even if I’m sick of scrolling and tired of myself, I allow my body to settle into a calmer, more peaceful place.

I can’t stop scrolling—and part of me doesn’t want to.
I feel stuck and overstimulated.
Part of me is trying to numb out.
I might be avoiding something I don’t want to feel.
And that’s okay.
I don’t need to shame myself.
I’m doing my best with what I’ve got.
What if I could pause… just for a moment?
I’m allowed to rest without losing myself in a screen.

I wish I could stop scrolling.
I am open to releasing this stress now.
I allow myself to let some of it go.
It’s okay to feel safe enough to pause.
It’s okay to let my body and mind relax.
I am a scroll-free master—even if it’s just for now.

You can repeat this a few times. (Add the EFT Tapping points once you learn them).
You’re not fixing everything—you’re just resetting the loop. That’s enough.

📚 EFT Tapping Has Research Behind It

Want proof that it’s not just woo? Here’s a small sample of studies that back it up:

• Church, D. et al. (2012). Psychological Trauma, 4(1): Cortisol reduction and symptom improvement following EFT

• Clond, M. (2016). The Journal of Nervous and Mental Disease: EFT significantly reduced anxiety in clinical populations

• Stapleton, P. et al. (2020). Journal of Clinical Psychology: EFT improves outcomes for depression, anxiety, and PTSD

• Feinstein, D. (2019). Review of General Psychology: Mechanisms of change in energy psychology interventions

More coming soon in my full EFT post!

😒When Digital Coping Turns Into Digital Collapse

Let’s be real: doomscrolling, distraction, and emotional avoidance are relatable—and often harmless in short bursts. But for some people, compulsive, addictive, digital use becomes something more serious.

If you’re finding that screen use is disrupting your daily functioning, sleep, relationships, or mental health in ways that feel unmanageable, please know this is extremely common—and there’s help out there!

National & Online Resources for Digital Addiction Support

• Screen Time Action Network (from Fairplay)

A hub of research, education, and resources for families and professionals navigating digital overuse, especially for kids and teens.

• The Center for Internet and Technology Addiction (Dr. David Greenfield)

Research, assessments, and clinical support focused on compulsive internet use, gaming, and screen dependence.

• ReSTART Life

One of the first residential treatment programs for internet, gaming, and technology addiction. Offers in-person and online support options.

• Digital Wellness Collective

A curated network of professionals, educators, and digital wellness advocates offering tools and programs for healthier tech use.

• Psychology Today Therapist Directory

Search for therapists who specialize in behavioral addictions, digital overuse, or compulsive behaviors. You don’t have to go it alone.

Final Reminder

If you’re deep in the Scroll Hole™, you’re not bad or broken. You’re probably just overstimulated, emotionally maxed out, or using screens to cope in the only way you know how right now.

But if it’s starting to hurt? You deserve support.

__________________________________________________________________

Disclaimer:

This article is intended for informational and educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional medical, psychological, or mental health advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you’re experiencing distress that feels unmanageable, please reach out to a licensed provider in your area or explore the resources listed above.

🧠✨ If this resonated with you and you're located in California,
Feel free to reach out through this website, and I look forward to connecting with you.
I offer telehealth sessions throughout the state.

I Know It’s Toxic… So Why Can’t I Leave? (because hope and history just don't disappear overnight).

Let’s just acknowledge:

The last couple articles were jam-packed with info. Psychology. Trauma. Patterns. Survival mode. All of it.

So this one? This is a breather.

A truth bomb. A glitter-dusted gut-check that’s been requested more times than I can count as I sit with clients week after week. Because nearly everyone—and I mean everyone—has asked themselves some version of this question at some point:

Why am I staying in a relationship that I know is not good for me?

(Be it a relationship, situationship, or “whatever-this-is”—you know exactly what came to mind.) 😊

Whether this applies to you right now, your recent past, or that “WTF was I thinking” era you try not to revisit… this one’s for you.

Take what resonates. Leave the rest.

And may it land exactly when and where it needs to.

Namaste—but like, the spicy kind.

Let’s go.

 Why It’s So Hard to Leave a Toxic Relationship

(Even when you know it’s not healthy or downright toxic for you.)

Let’s stop pretending it’s just “low self-esteem.” It’s not that simple. This is about hope, trauma wiring, and fear of loss that can feel like the end of the earth.

-----àSIDE NOTE: Not Every Toxic Relationship Involves a Narcissist

(See blog “What is Narcissism And Why Are We Talking About It?” for more on this.)

Let’s clear something up:

Not every unhealthy or painful relationship involves a narcissist—or a “bad” person.
Sometimes you’ve simply outgrown each other.
Sometimes, despite all the therapy, communication work, and growth you’ve done, it’s just not working anymore.
And if your mental or physical health is suffering, that’s reason enough to re-evaluate—whether or not the other person fits a clinical label.

That said, if you are in a relationship with someone who shows narcissistic or antagonistic personality traits, yes—it will likely feel more emotionally ungrounded. More manipulative. More confusing.
And show up as more harmful.

Still—the choice to stay is always yours.
There’s no moral hierarchy here.
There’s no shame in staying. And no medal for leaving.

This is your process. Your pace. Your life.
No one gets to decide what’s right for you—but you.

Turns out the popular advice- 'just leave' isn’t usually a real strategy.

Either way, if you’re wondering why the hell you’re still in a relationship, situationship—or keep going back—this might help you name it:

1. You’re Super-Glued to the Idea of Hope

You’ve seen glimpses of their potential. The version of them that was nice, attentive, or deeply connected… once.

You keep waiting for that person to come back. Hope becomes the thing holding everything together—even as everything falls apart.

“It wasn’t all bad…” is the emotional boomerang that pulls you back in.

And in countless hours of sitting with people across the screen, I can say this is one of the most raw and relatable parts of being human in the land of relationships:
That 1% of hope—that you’re holding because you're well-meaning, loyal, and emotionally invested—can be the very thing that keeps you hanging on for years (even decades) in a connection where your needs aren't being met, or in a relationship you've simply outgrown.

2. The Idea of Being Relationship-Less Feels Like Free-Falling Into the Void

It’s not just about being single—it’s about the unfamiliar or even deeply unsettling silence that follows when it’s over.

Who even are you without the excitement? Without their texts? Without someone to orbit? Without the parts that feel like real companionship ?

Sometimes staying feels easier than facing the existential abyss of being alone with yourself.

But here’s the truth:

That abyss? It’s where you meet the version of you who doesn’t settle anymore.

3. Your Attachment System Is Lit Up Like a Christmas Tree

If love was unpredictable or conditional growing up, your nervous system might register chaos as familiar. Maybe even safe.

This isn’t a flaw—it’s wiring. And it’s not your fault.

Feeling stuck about staying or leaving is not weakness or a fatal flaw—it’s nervous system science.

4. You’re in a Trauma Bond (And You Didn’t Sign Up for That)

They give, then take. Pull close, then disappear.
This push-pull dynamic creates intermittent reinforcement—the most addictive psychological loop there is (yes, actual neurotransmitters are involved).

You’re not weak. You’re human.
You’re likely hooked on a hope loop fueled by dopamine, oxytocin, and a nervous system just trying to find relief.

That chemistry makes it really hard to see the forest for the toxic trees.

5. You’ve Confused Intensity with Intimacy

Explosive fights. Tearful makeups. 3 a.m. “I love you”s.

It feels passionate—but real love is consistent, not chaotic.

Intimacy doesn’t need to burn to be real.

And here’s another thing that comes up week after week in therapy sessions:

We live in a culture that’s taught us to hyper-focus on chemistry, not compatibility.
But great relationships don’t come from butterflies alone—they come from shared values, emotional safety, and mutual effort.

In our swipe-and-hookup culture, many of those deeper relationship skills have gotten lost. There’s nothing wrong with hooking up if that’s what you want—honestly, good for you for knowing what you’re into.

But if you feel stuck in hopeless, unfulfilling dynamics?
This is one of the areas that can help you grow.

6. You’re Getting Crumbs… and Calling It Love

That one kind text. A shared memory. An “I miss you.”
It’s not nothing, but it’s not enough.

This pattern can run deep—rooted in family history, early attachment, or what you had to settle for to feel safe. And honestly? It’s reinforced by the swipe culture we’re all swimming in.

When hookup apps and ghosting become normal, even the bare minimum can start to feel like something meaningful.

And then… the crumbs start to feel like the whole loaf, slathered in top shelf olive oil.

You may even start to feel programmed to believe this is great—like “hey, at least they texted back!”
But deep down, something’s still missing.

And spoiler: if it feels like something’s missing, it probably is.

7. Your Inner Critic Is Loud AF

Toxic partners often echo what your inner bully already says:

“You’re too much. You’re hard to love. You’re lucky anyone puts up with you.”

Staying feels like torture. Leaving feels like rebellion and more uncertainty than you feel like you can manage at this time.

It’s okay to rebel. That voice isn’t the truth.

8. You Think If They Change, You Won’t Have to Let Go

If they change… maybe you weren’t wrong. Maybe this wasn’t a waste. Maybe you don’t have to feel the grief.

But the truth? Letting go is strength with receipts.

It means you finally chose you.

9. You’re Waiting to Feel “Ready”

You may never feel totally ready. Most people don’t.

Leaving a toxic (or any) relationship is a leap of faith. A trust fall into your future.

You don’t need certainty. You need courage. And you already have some—you’re here reading this.

10. You’re Waiting for Closure

You want an apology. An admission. Some grand moment that ties the story together.  Honor the good parts. Wrap it all in a nice bow. Talk about what didn’t work and how you both tried…Like an exit interview for a job you couldn’t wait to leave….

But most toxic people, most PEOPLE IN GENERAL don’t give closure—they give just enough hope to keep you spinning.

Let’s talk about it—because this one? It’s huge.
People get so hung up on the idea of closure, and it’s one of the biggest traps I see.

Here’s the truth:
Closure is not something another person gives you.
It’s an internal process—a moment (or many moments) of radical acceptance.

Acceptance that maybe things didn’t turn out how you hoped. That you’ll never get the apology you deserve. That you’re grieving a story you wanted to believe in. And that even with all that… you still get to move forward.

Closure is when you reclaim yourself. When you say, “This isn’t what I wanted, and I trust that I’ll be okay.”

If you’re waiting for someone who hasn’t treated you well to suddenly show up with empathy and give you permission to move on—that’s not closure.
That’s handing your power to someone who’s already shown you what they do with it.

Let this be your sign to stop waiting.
Gracefully, compassionately—take your life back. Start your life a-fresh.

Closure isn’t given. It’s chosen. You don’t need their permission to heal.

11. You’ve Invested Too Much to Quit (AKA: The Sunk Cost Fallacy)

You’ve put in time. Years, maybe. You’ve been through so much together. You’ve poured in love, effort, therapy breakthroughs, and your whole damn heart.

You think, ‘I can’t walk away now—not after everything I’ve invested.’

That’s called the sunk cost fallacy.

If you ask yourself, ‘Seriously—how is this still happening?’ and answer, “Because I’ve already spent five years, I should stay… even if I’m unhappy.”

That’s the sunken part of the sunk cost fallacy—where your brain insists the past investment means you have to keep investing.

But if those five years haven’t brought you what you need—do you really want to spend five more hoping it turns into what it was in the first three weeks?

It’s completely understandable why your nervous system wants to make it feel safe, familiar, or meaningful. That longing makes sense.

But in most cases? That kind of hope just keeps you stuck.
And if you’ve read this far, there’s a part of you that already knows it’s time to reevaluate.

You’re allowed to choose peace now—even if it’s taken a long time to get here.

AND NOW…….

The Highly Requested Checklist (and Talked About Weekly…)

This next section is one of the most frequently requested and discussed topics I see with clients.
If you’re feeling confused, stuck, or unsure about whether what you’re experiencing is actually toxic—this list may help bring some clarity.

Use it as a reflection tool, not a self-judgment one. You’re here, you’re learning, growing, and that already matters.

HEALTHY VS UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP BEHAVIORS CHECKLIST

Spot the difference. Your nervous system already knows.

 Signs of  Healthy Relationship

• You feel emotionally safe

• Communication is direct and respectful -even with tough conversations

• Conflict is handled with care, not punishment

• You can disagree without fear of punishment or withdrawal

• Boundaries are respected and honored

• You feel seen, heard, and valued

• You’re encouraged to grow and evolve

• Love feels steady and grounded

• There’s mutual accountability

• You can trust both their words and actions

• Words and actions are consistent

• You show up for one another during times of stress

• You feel more like yourself, not less

• You trust you can express your needs without backlash

• Your nervous system feels, safe, steady, and calm overall.

 Signs of An Unhealthy Relationship  

• You feel emotionally on edge

• Communication is hot-and-cold, manipulative, or vague

• Conflict leads to silent treatment, withdrawal, or blame

• Boundaries are ignored, mocked, or punished

• You feel confused, dismissed, or invisible

• Your growth is seen as a threat, not a win

• Love feels like a rollercoaster with no seatbelt

• You’re constantly walking on eggshells

• You’re made to feel like everything is your fault

• You’re always guessing where you stand

• You feel like you have to shrink or silence yourself to keep the peace

• You compromise your needs- or feel guilty for having them at all

• You feel like speaking your truth will rock the boat

• You work overtime to meet their needs, while yours go unnoticed or dismissed

🧠 SOOOO Are We Adulting… or Just Avoiding a Breakup?

QUIZ TIME

Another highly requested one—because quizzes can actually be fun (and also super clarifying when your brain is a swirl of what-if’s and mixed signals), a bit disarming, and kind of magical when it comes to figuring out where you are in this whole relationship growth arena.

Because here’s the thing:

Toxic relationships don’t always start that way. Sometimes they become toxic when unhealthy patterns and habits go unchecked for too long—on either side.

This next section helps you check in with yourself and your partner, not to assign blame, but to bring awareness to what you’re both bringing to the table.

Ready?

 💘 THE QUIZ: Are We Adulting in This Relationship… or Just Good at Ghosting?

If you have been wondering- Are we showing up with grown-up vibes that could actually make this thing last?
Or are we low-key about to implode the whole thing in a blaze of passive aggression, miscommunication, and going nowhere texting habits?

I don’t know. But this quiz might help.

Use it as a compass, not a judgment stick. Growth doesn’t mean perfection—it just means you’re willing.

 RELATIONSHIP WARRIOR NINJA BEHAVIORS

(You or your partner demonstrate…)

• You can say “I’m sorry” without spiraling into shame or defensiveness

• You take time to regulate before responding when upset

• You can have a hard conversation without name-calling, sarcasm, or shutdowns

• You express needs clearly instead of hoping they’ll read your mind

• You take responsibility for your part without over-owning everything

• You’re able to disagree without making it a personal attack

• You respect each other’s boundaries without guilt-tripping

• You repair after conflict instead of pretending nothing happened

• You seek understanding, not just to be “right”

• You can handle hearing “no” without punishment, pouting, or passive-aggression

• You can say: “That triggered me—and I want to work through it” instead of blaming

• You stay in the present rather than bringing up old fights to win new ones

• You feel safe enough to be honest and kind at the same time

Tally: ____ out of 13

✅ Adulting Like a Boss Behaviors

The more you checked here, the more you’re a Relationship Warrior-Ninja™.

If you scored high in this section, that’s a great sign. You’re showing up with communication, accountability, emotional regulation, and a willingness to grow—aka the good stuff.

Even checking just one or two of these means you’re building a solid foundation. Nobody does all 13 perfectly (except maybe on a podcast).

The goal isn’t perfection—it’s effort.

 WE HAVE A WHOLE LOT OF GROWING TO DO (AND THAT’S OK) BEHAVIORS

(You or your partner often…)

• Blame the other person for every conflict

• Say things like “you always” or “you never” during arguments

• Go silent or ghosty when upset instead of communicating

• React instead of reflect

• Apologize to end a fight—not because they mean it

• Feel threatened by feedback instead of curious

• Use guilt, pity, or fear to get needs met

• Accuse the other person of being “too sensitive” or “crazy”

• Weaponize vulnerability shared in past conversations

• Hold grudges or keep a mental list of offenses

• Punish you with silence, withdrawal, or withholding affection

• Expect you to guess what they’re feeling without telling you

• Believe emotional control = emotional strength

Tally: ____ out of 13

 RESULTS:

0–3? You’re a Relationship Warrior-Ninja.
You’re doing really well. Communication, self-awareness, accountability—you’ve got a strong foundation.

Even at your best, there’s always room to grow, but honestly? You’re showing up. Keep going.

4–7? You’re in the Messy Middle (aka Being Human).
There’s room for growth, repair, and deeper alignment—but you’re not off track. This is where a lot of people live, and it’s where real relationship work begins.

8+? We’ve Got a lot of Work to Do—and That’s Okay.
This is your gentle nudge to slow down, reflect, and maybe not hit send just yet. Whether it’s you, them, or both, awareness is a powerful first step.

No shame—just information. And you’re already doing the hardest part: being honest with yourself.

 No relationship is adult, perfect, and mature all the time. The difference?

Mature partners are willing to own, repair, and evolve. Immature ones just blame, repeat, and distract.

 Final Thoughts

Whether you’re in it, out of it, or still thinking about someone from three breakups ago—you deserve love that feels safe, honest, and kind.

It’s not too much to want a partner who communicates like an adult.

It’s not too late to be that partner, either.

So here’s your permission slip to stop normalizing chaos.

And here’s your glittery nudge to stop calling emotional unavailability a “challenge.”

Healing is sexy.

Emotional maturity is hot.

And choosing peace over patterns? Icon behavior.

Thank you for reading.
If you’ve made it to the end, I appreciate you sticking with it. I hope you take what resonates and leave the rest.

The real magic starts when you show up and choose you.
Now go out there and choose yourself like it’s a full-time job—because it kinda is. 💼✨

Disclaimer: This article is not a substitute for professional therapy, treatment, or diagnosis. And this article reflects the opinions and personal reflections of this author. If you feel you are in need of professional support, please reach out to a therapist in your local community. If you are in California and this article resonated with you, please feel free to contact me through this website to schedule a complimentary consultation.

To view more blog posts on pop psychology, real-life issues, and how to heal through it all - with zero shame and a dash of humor- feel free to check out https://triggeredandconscious.substack.com/

 Safety Disclaimer + Crisis Resources

If you’re currently experiencing physical violence, coercion, sexual abuse, or feel unsafe in your relationship, please know this article is not a substitute for immediate support. You deserve safety and care—not just insight.

You are not overreacting. You are not being dramatic. And you are not alone.

 U.S. Crisis Support

• National Domestic Violence Hotline: Call 1‑800‑799‑7233, text LOVEIS to 22522, or chat online. Available 24/7.

• DomesticShelters.org: Database of shelters and DV programs across the U.S. and Canada — Search now.

 International Resources

• NO MORE Global Directory: Worldwide directory of domestic and sexual violence support — nomoredirectory.org

• Hot Peach Pages: Global directory of shelters & support services — hotpeachpages.net

• Pathways to Safety (for Americans abroad): Call 833‑SAFE‑833 or email crisis@pathwaystosafety.org

What is Narcissism and Why Does Everyone Keep Talking About it ?

Signs, Impact, and How to Heal (Without Waiting for a Diagnosis)

Written by Cecily Longo, LMFT

(You may also read this Blog on my Substack at TriggeredandConscious.Substack.com)

In this article, you may learn to recognize narcissistic and antagonistic personality dynamics, understand their emotional fallout, and start the healing process—with clarity, compassion, and grit.

BONUS: An info-packed quiz at the end to assess and sharpen your Narc-Radar. Let’s Set the Record Straight

If you’re tangled up with someone who has these traits—whether it’s a partner, parent, boss, or that one friend who turns every brunch into a TED Talk about themselves—you don’t have to be “out” of the relationship to start your healing path.

You can start right where you are.
Even if that means setting micro-boundaries, or just learning to dial up your BS radar while it’s happening.

And yes—there’s a difference between and often blurred lines between:

• Overt narcissism (obviously inflated ego, attention-sucking/seeking, bragging, clearly entitled, undeniably unempathetic, both covert and overt- tendency to show consistent lack of accountability for their harmful even exploitative behaviors, see you as a means to and end to get what they want.)

• Covert narcissism (quiet, victim-y, emotionally slippery, passive-aggressive, martyr vibes with entitlement flares and guilt trips, both covert and overt- often described as “wearing a mask,” “performing” again- to get what they want. Manipulation anyone ?)

This is a deeply researched, endlessly discussed topic, so we’re not going full DSM-mode here. It deserves its own spotlight—pun fully intended.

However, I wanted to write about this topic anyway—it’s one of the most common themes that comes up with therapy clients, and something I’m genuinely passionate about researching and supporting people through. That said, please remember: this post is not a substitute for professional therapy. If you’re in immediate danger or need support beyond what this article offers, please reach out to appropriate crisis resources or professional help.

Just know this:

These traits and behaviors exist on a spectrum. Real humans don’t usually line up neatly with diagnostic checkboxes.

Navigating these relationships isn’t some cute healing checklist. It’s messy. Confusing. Sometimes it’s two steps forward and one long slide back.

To make all this a little more digestible (and let’s try for a little fun in the darkness), I’ve included a quiz at the end to help you assess and boost your Narc-Radar skills.
It’s part insight, part snark, and designed to help you spot patterns you might be too exhausted to identify right now.

So… What Is Narcissism—and Why Should You Care?

You don’t need a psychology degree to know something feels off. Maybe it’s the way you leave conversations feeling like “the bad guy,” or “the crazy one,” post-someone-else’s tirade. Or how every boundary you set somehow turns into a emotional demolition of your worth.

Narcissism isn’t just a diagnosis. It’s a pattern. A vibe. A slow erosion of your self-trust that leaves your nervous system fried and your self-esteem in a ditch.

This post isn’t here to slap on labels. It’s here to help you stop questioning your reality and start reclaiming it.

What Narcissism Is (And Isn’t)

Not every selfish person is narcissistic. But narcissistic behavior? That’s real—and it’s a soul-sucking rollercoaster that can years to understand and exit, but it doesn’t have to!

People ask:

“But what if I’m wrong?”
“What if they’re just wounded/had a bad childhood?”
“What if I’m the narcissist?!”

Deep breath.
If you’re Googling this at 3 a.m., spiraling, and re-reading your own texts to see if you actually said something “mean,” you’re probably not a narcissist.

You don’t need a diagnosis to validate your experience. What matters is how their behavior makes you feel. Consistently.

Gaslighting, In Plain Terms.

Gaslighting is when someone messes with your memory, feelings, or perception of reality to maintain control—and makes you feel like the crazy one for noticing.

It’s not just lying. It’s psychological erosion, often disguised as concern or “corrections.” And if you’ve been through it long enough, you’ll start apologizing for things you didn’t do… and questioning the parts of you that used to feel certain.

Why do people with narcissistic traits react so badly to boundaries?! 

Ah Yes- The boundary blowback. You have finally felt grounded enough in some sovereignty to set. a. boundary. of some kind! Yes!! But you're met with the silent treatment, a nonsense whirlwind of temper tantrum, or some other WTF level of escalating conflict. Ug. What gives ?!

One reason narcissistic people often react so intensely to boundaries-  the smallest whiff of (PERCEIVED) criticism (often in the form of a self honoring boundary) can feel like emotional annihilation. Beneath the surface is often a deep, unacknowledged shame—one they’re terrified to witness, let alone feel. That’s why they deflect, blame, or punish instead. The closer you get to the truth, the more they panic. Until that core wound is faced (which many avoid at all costs), the patterns usually don’t shift. But that’s a post for another day.

Classic Narcissistic Greatest Hits (A.K.A. Things You Might Hear on Repeat)

• “You’re too sensitive.”

• “I never said that.”

• “You’re imagining things.”

• “Why are you making such a big deal out of nothing?”

• “You’re the reason I’m like this.”

• “Other people don’t have a problem with me.”

• “Look at everything I’ve done for you.”

• “You don’t know how awful it is being your (partner, parent, friend) !”

• And of course, the sudden, dramatic love-bombing after you set a boundary, go quiet, or threaten to walk away—cue the flattery, future faking (I promise I’ll change), and out-of-nowhere gestures- grand and small.

What’s love-bombing? It’s the emotionally extravagant affection—texts, gifts, praise, apologies, promises—that shows up just when you start to recoil. It can feel intoxicating, even healing, and instigate HOPE AGAIN!… until you realize it’s designed to disarm you and reset the cycle.

And yes, while this is an overly discussed topic in some circles, it still deserves mention here—because it’s an important piece of the whole picture.

Emotional Fallout: Common Side Effects of Narcissistic Relationships

This isn’t just “bad vibes.” It’s emotional whiplash. Some signs you’ve been affected:

• Walking on eggshells to keep the peace

• Apologizing for things you didn’t do- or Apologizing for things they did!

• Finding yourself sometimes frantically seeking someone’s approval—even when they rarely give it

• Questioning your memory, your motives, and your worth

• Shrinking yourself to be “less” so as not upset someone

• Explaining. Explaining. Explaining again.

• Exhausted nervous system and a whole lot of WTF energy

How to Start Healing (Even If You’re Still In It)

• Name what’s happening. Seriously, name it. No sugar coating- Out loud. In a journal. In a meme.

• Set micro-boundaries even if you feel shaky. Begin to honor YOU.

• Reclaim your nervous system. Breathwork, tapping, walking away mid-rant—whatever calms your inner chaos gets priority now, to center yourself.

• Stop over-explaining. If someone is committed to misunderstanding you, no explaining again and again, will cause someone to “understand you.” Protect your energy. Learn not to give it away like free samples at Costco.

• Make peace with being “too much,” “too sensitive,” or “not enough.”
  You were never too much for the right people. You were just inconvenient for the wrong ones.
  You were never too sensitive—they just didn’t want to show up when you needed them.

• Switch from people-pleasing to self-pleasing. Yes, I said it. Make your peace a priority again. This is often a slow process. Pace yourself.

• Block them—energetically and digitally- when you’re ready or that makes sense for your situation. Sometimes the most spiritual thing you can do is hit “mute.”

• Surround yourself with people who don’t require an emotional costume. If you have to shrink to be loved, it’s not love.

• Work with someone who actually gets it. Trauma-informed coaching or therapy is golden.

Editors Note: Because Someone Read This
This section was added by popular demand—okay, one enthusiastic reader, but still. If something in here sparks a question or leaves you wondering “Wait, what does that mean?”—drop it in the comments or shoot me a message. I got you.

Now, let’s talk about micro-boundaries… a micro-boundary is a small but powerful shift in how you respond to someone—especially when direct confrontation feels unsafe or exhausting.

Think:

• Not answering their text immediately when you’re overwhelmed

• Keeping your responses short and neutral instead of over-explaining

These aren't mind games. They’re self-preservation tools. If someone’s been crossing your boundaries for years, even the smallest recalibration can feel huge—and threatening to them.

But here’s the truth- Protecting your energy isn’t playing games. It’s you finally learning to stop bleeding for people who hand you the knife

Common Gaslight-y Phrases + How to Respond

(Yes, this is your Nervous System Reset Foundation and Self Preservation Map)

First, A Word on Silence and Walking Away

Sometimes the wisest move isn’t a comeback—it’s no comment.

Disengagement, silence, and that subtle art of not taking the bait? That’s nervous system gold. And while it might feel unfamiliar or even uncomfortable at first, it often becomes your most reliable self-protection tool.

You don’t need to explain, defend, or prove anything to people who are committed to misunderstanding you and maintaining control over you and the relationship, due to their refusal to acknowledge their own insecurities.

Walking away doesn’t mean you’re weak or avoidant. It means you’re conserving energy for what actually matters: you.

And yes—it takes time and practice. Navigating these dynamics is a learning process. With each person, you’ll start to develop a feel for what works, what backfires, and what preserves your peace. Sometimes that’s a boundary. Sometimes it’s a script. And sometimes—more often than not—it’s a well-timed, soul-saving silence.

Silence isn’t weakness. It’s strategic wisdom with a volume knob.

What They Might Say and How You Can Respond

If they say, “You’re too sensitive,” Try, “I feel things deeply—and that’s not a flaw.”

If they say, “I never said that.” Try, “I remember it differently.” (No need to debate it.)

If they say, “You’re imagining things.” Try, “My experience is valid, even if you disagree.”

If they say, “You’re lucky I even put up with you.” Try, “That sounds hurtful. I expect to be treated with respect.”

If they say, “You’re overreacting.” Try, “This matters to me.”

If they say, “Look at everything I’ve done for you.” Try, “True generosity doesn’t come with a receipt or a guilt trip.”

If they say, “You’re the problem.” Try, “I’m open to reflection—not to being scapegoated.”

Gray Rock vs. Yellow Rock

-Gray Rock: You go emotionally flat. Zero flavor. Zero drama. You’re boring on purpose. D I S E N G A G E.
-Yellow Rock: Still neutral, but with warmth and humanity. Best used when you can’t fully cut ties (like a family member or colleague).

Both are nervous-system-saving tactics. Choose based on the situation—and your energy emotional budget.

THE QUIZ!!!!! How’s Your Narc-Busting Radar Going ?

A validating quiz for anyone who’s ever walked away from a conversation thinking, “Wait… how did I end up apologizing for what they did !?”

Pick the answer that feels most familiar. Tally your points at the end. The prize is clarity, catharsis, and the inner peace you stumble upon while starting the ascent out of the gaslight-y quagmire

1. When You Share Good News

Narc infused personalities tend to react to others’ success with envy, entitlement, or dismissiveness. Especially if your happiness doesn't involve them directly. Their response often reveals more about their capacity emotionally, than what you are actually telling them.

They:
A. Congratulate you… then pivot to their own story. (2 pts)
B. Say “must be nice” and go stone-faced. (3 pts)
C. Ask why you didn’t tell them sooner—and act hurt. (1 pt)
D. Forget within 30 seconds. (2 pts)

2. When You Set a Boundary

Setting a clear boundary with a narcissistic or antagonistic person often threatens their sense of control. Remember control is what they really want over the relationship. They crave the endless, steady flow validation from you (and anyone) anyway they can soak it up. Even if you set a boundary calmly, precisely and compassionately, they may experience it as a rejection criticism or even a betrayal.

They:
A. Ignore it and do the thing anyway. (2 pts)
B. Accuse you of being selfish, dramatic, or “too much.” (3 pts)
C. Guilt-trip you later with “I was just trying to help.” (4 pts)
D. Laugh and say, “Wow. You’ve changed.” (1 pt)

3. When You State the Facts

Stating a fact or addressing behavior when you have been harmed, can really backfire on you with these personality types. Stating a fact can be very destabilizing to someone who thrives on denying reality, or manipulation to keep control over the relationship. This can work in your favor at times but can also backfire.

They:
A. Say, “You always make me the bad guy.” (2 pts)
B. Cry, say you’re abusive, and call in reinforcements. (3 pts)
C. Deflect and accuse you of doing the exact thing they did. (4 pts)
D. Go eerily silent and punish you with weird vibes for days. (1 pt)

4. When You’re Vulnerable

This is one area where so many struggle with narcissistic personalities, as sometimes they show up as nice and caring people. So when your guard is down and you disclose something vulnerable, you may experience the whiplash of their lack of ability or willingness to hold space for your pain. Your vulnerability might trigger their own shame, envy or discomfort - a major trait of what sets narcissistic patterns apart from other personality styles. This may lead them to minimize or punish you for your emotional needs. This can be incredibly confusing, and no you are definitely not imagining things and you are not crazy at all.

They:
A. Hijack it with a bigger, sadder story. (2 pts)
B. Trauma one-up you with “You think YOU have it bad?” (3 pts)
C. Act like you’re a burden for even bringing it up. (4 pts)
D. Say, “Well, maybe you should’ve seen that coming.” (1 pt)

5. When They Apologize (Kind Of)

Most narcissistic people don't actually apologize. They can put on a darn good Oscar level performance though, for apology-adjacent behavior. This allows them to regain control, avoid accountability, or manipulate how you see the relationship and them- and get their needs met, not yours. Remember accountability is one of their largest aversions in life.

They say:
A. “I’m sorry you feel that way.” (2 pts)
B. “I guess I’m just always the villain now.” (3 pts)
C. “That’s not what I meant—you misunderstood everything.” (4 pts)
D. “Fine. Whatever. Sorry.” (1 pt)

🔢 Your Score: How Narc-Savvy Are You?

🟡 5–7 points: Gaslight Rookie
You’re waking up. It’s weird and foggy—but you’re asking the right questions.

🟠 8–12 points: Boundary Ninja Up and Coming!
You’re starting to trust your gut more than their guilt trips. Jedi status pending.

🔴 13–17 points: Certified BS Translator
You speak fluent Narc-o-pology, and probably have a favorite burner number.

🟣 18+ points: Emotional Escape Artist
You grey rock like it’s performance art and block like a boss. Your time is sacred. So is your peace.

Final Thoughts: You’re Not Too Sensitive. You’re Rising Up.

If this post hit a nerve, stirred something, or made you laugh-cry in recognition—that’s not a sign you’re broken. It’s a sign you’re remembering your own truth.

You don’t have to go full no-contact to start healing.
You don’t have to explain yourself to people who refuse to hear you.
And you sure as hell don’t have to keep shrinking to survive.

Start where you are. Set the tiniest boundary. Reclaim the smallest moment of clarity. That’s healing.

Have Thoughts? Comments? Anything else you’d like to hear about ? I’m listening, this convo’s just getting started, and we’re in this together!

If you made it this far, thank you! That was a lot, I know. I hope it helped you name something that needed naming.

If you are in California and interested in a complimentary consultation for therapy to see if we are a good fit to work together, please feel free to reach out via www.cecilylongotherapy.com.

Disclaimer: This article is for educational and informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy, medical advice, or crisis support. If you’re struggling with your mental health or navigating a challenging relationship, please consider working with a licensed therapist or qualified professional who can support you in real time. I write these posts to inform, validate, and empower—but healing is deeply personal. Take what resonates and leave the rest.

© 2025 Cecily Longo, LMFT

Why We Can't Stop Watching Love Island - A Rollercoaster of Dopamine, Drama, and Real Life Reflection

There hasn’t been a single week in the past three months where Love Island hasn’t come up in a therapy session. Sometimes it’s shared with a sense of empowerment, other times with a guilty laugh and a “I know I shouldn’t be watching this…” vibe. More than a few clients have admitted it’s their go-to weekend ritual — a full-blown, sun-soaked escape in bingeable form.

As a therapist with a deep curiosity about pop culture’s influence on the psyche, I decided to watch it myself. And well… that gave birth to this blog.

Thanks for reading! You may also subscribe for free to my Substack at TriggeredandConscious.Substack.com to receive new posts and support my work.

Let’s be honest — Love Island isn’t just a show. It’s a neon-lit safari of human behavior, packed with cheeky flirtations, unhinged declarations of love, and enough fake eyelashes to cause a blackout in Sephora.

If you’ve ever found yourself bingeing in a trance while stress-texting your best friend, welcome. You’re not alone- there is nothing “wrong with you” at all !

You’re human.
And maybe a little fabulous.

Lessons from a Casa Mojo Dojo villa (a nod to the Barbie movie's satirical take on male-dominated spaces), where the Barbies keep letting the Kens in—and what we can learn from this dopamine-fueled roller coaster of a show.

If you’ve ever told yourself, “I’ll just watch one more episode,” only to realize it’s 2 a.m. and you’re still glued to the screen—this post is for you.

There’s no shame here. Love Island is entertaining, addictive, and emotionally charged in ways that pull us in for reasons that are anything but shallow. In fact, watching this show can open the door to meaningful insight about our own attachment styles, emotional triggers, and the rollercoaster of human connection.

Let’s break it down together—psychologically, in a non-judgmental and mindful way, intended for a bit of information, entertainment, and opportunities for personal growth!

Why Love Island Hooks Us (and Won’t Let Go)

- Dopamine (and other dangerously seductive neurotransmitters)

It’s not just the spray tans and steamy fire pit make-outs — it’s the intermittent reinforcement. Love Island delivers a steady drip of surprise texts, dramatic exits, makeup kisses, and unexpected twists — all of which mimic the emotional highs and lows that keep our nervous systems on edge, and glued to the screen. Psychologists call this “variable reward.” Some call it addiction.

Someone couples up? POW! Your brain lights up like it just hit the jackpot on a Vegas slot machine.
Make-outs under the fairy lights? Cue the oxytocin — the infamous cuddle hormone.
A sudden betrayal or screaming match? Cortisol spike! Fight-or-flight activated.

And then… the emotional crash. The suspense hangover. The need to hit “next episode” just to feel OK again.

It’s a perfectly engineered cocktail of dopamine, drama, and disaster recovery. And anyone with a nervous system is down to order another round!

- Attachment Activation

It’s relatable… but just distant enough.
Watching emotionally intense interactions — the love triangles, betrayals, and in the fluorescent lights on the couch meltdowns — lights up the same attachment circuits in our own real-life relationships.

Your social radar flips on.
Your stomach drops.
You think: “Ugh, I’ve been here before.”

But this time, it’s not your heartbreak.
You’re safe on the couch, rooting for your favorite or yelling at the screen as someone makes a decision that might seriously ruin their summer (and their dignity).

It’s emotional déjà vu with a buffer — which is exactly why it hits so hard… and feels so good.

-Identification, Projection & Our Tribal Brain on Reality TV

It’s not just entertainment—your primal brain, is working overtime.

Love Island taps into the very systems that helped our ancestors survive: Our need to belong, to bond, and to stay alert to potential threats.

In other words, your limbic system (aka your emotional brain) is doing what it was designed to do—scanning for connection, betrayal, and survival cues… but in bikinis and tons of “eye-candy” for the masses.

We don’t just watch the show—we feel it.
We attach.
We project.
We pick favorites, form social bonds, and get genuinely upset when someone betrays the group or makes the “wrong” choice. Why? Because our brains aren’t great at distinguishing real-life social dynamics from the ones on-screen.

AND THEN THE MUSIC HITS just right…

Music directly activates the same emotional memory circuits, that limbic emotional part of the nervous system, that deepen your attachment to the characters—whether your cheering yes for them or yelling no at them….

Slow-mo R & B dreamy walk-ins. Upbeat EDM drops. Melancholic piano overlays after a brutal heartbreak. The soundtrack is basically emotional glitter - bombed straight into your nervous system.

This is why the show hooks us—and why it sometimes leaves us with a weird emotional hangover. We’re not just observers. We’re emotionally invested.

-Hope + Chaos

Even when a relationship on Love Island seems toxic, unhealthy, or is clearly making someone miserable—we still hold out hope they’ll figure it out. That dynamic mirrors real life for many viewers who’ve stayed in difficult relationships longer than they wanted to.

Watching someone else’s emotional chaos can be a strange kind of relief:
No decisions to make.
No texts to agonize over.
No boundaries to wrestle with.

Just popcorn, a mocktail cocktail, and someone else’s love life melting down in real time.

And then something hits you:
You see yourself in it.
That moment of recognition? That’s not a problem—it’s a portal.

It’s where the healing can begin.

The Darker Side of the Villa : Misogyny, Fantasy & Filtered Chaos

While Love Island serves as entertainment, it also mirrors some of the more troubling dynamics that exist in real life—particularly around gender roles, self-worth, and emotional (un)availability.

• Misogyny and Objectification: Female contestants are often judged harshly—by Islanders and viewers—for behaviors that are praised in the men. The focus skews toward who’s the “hottest,” not who’s the most emotionally attuned or self-aware. This over-sexualization reduces women to their bodies and reinforces the idea that sexual chemistry matters more than genuine connection or compatibility.

• Female Self-Worth Tied to Male Approval: Women are praised when chosen, pitied when dumped, and often portrayed as valuable only when they’re wanted. Cue the pit-in-your-stomach trigger for anyone who’s ever felt unseen or replaced for “not being good enough.”

• Unrealistic Ideals for Men, Too: While women are more frequently judged, men aren’t immune. The show glorifies sculpted abs, chiseled jawlines, and hyper-masculine energy—fueling toxic ideals where stoicism and dominance equal desirability. This kind of perfectionism serves no one, leaving little room for authenticity on either side.

• Hot Girl Summer with a Side of Public Humiliation: Some scenes feel like a digital colosseum, where vulnerable emotions are served up on a platter for public consumption.

• Unrealistic Beauty Standards for All: Surgically enhanced faces, snatched abs, and flawless tans create a filtered fantasy that fuels body comparison and shame across the board.

• Performative Vulnerability: Emotional “breakthroughs” are often timed with dramatic camera cuts and moody music (hi again, limbic system)—more curated than connected. It’s not exactly a masterclass in healthy intimacy.

These aren’t just Love Island problems. They’re reflections of the cultural soup we all swim in. But noticing them—without shame—is a powerful step toward unhooking from toxic narratives.

While Love Island serves as entertainment, it also mirrors some of the more troubling dynamics that exist in real life—particularly around gender roles, self-worth, and healthy vs. unhealthy relationships.

Journal Prompts for Conscious Binge-Watching And What the Casa Mojo Dojo Villa Can Teach Us About Love and Life

Watching Love Island doesn’t make you shallow—it makes you human. If parts of the show stir discomfort, longing, or confusion, that might be an invitation to explore what you truly want more (or less) of in your own relationships.

Rather than shame ourselves for watching, we can ask:

-What parts of this show/What about this show activates something deeper in me beneath the glitter and chaos?

-Do I long for the fantasy but avoid the risk of real connection? Do I feel seen or erased by the dynamics in the show ?

-What are you drawn to—and what are you ready to outgrow?

- Who do I relate to most on this season of Love Island—and why?

- What relationship dynamic makes me feel activated- frustrated, obsessed, sad, hopeful

- Is there a moment on the show that reminded me of one of my own past relationships?

- Do I root for chaos or connection—and what might that say about my own emotional patterns?

- What would I do differently if I were in that villa? What boundary would I set?

- Have I ever accepted breadcrumbs of affection while calling it love? What do I want to do differently in this regard in my (dating) relationships ?

- What does ‘emotional safety’ actually feel like—and how often do I see that modeled on the show?

This isn’t a takedown of Love Island. It’s a mirror—and mirrors can be powerful tools for healing.

If Love Island hits a little too close to home—stirring up old wounds, longings, or relationship patterns—you’re in good company!

Curiosity is where healing begins. So keep watching… but maybe start writing, too.

You’re not just watching “trash TV.” You’re decoding love, lust, and life—with a side of booty shorts and intoxicating beat drops.

And if it’s stirring up more than entertainment? That’s not weakness. That’s self-awareness knocking on your door, and I’ve got room on the virtual Zoom couch.

Let’s talk.

Thanks for reading!

© 2025 Cecily Longo, LMFT

Disclaimer: Please note this article is not a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment, and reflects the opinions, experiences, and personal reflections of this author. This article is intended for educational and informational purposes only. If you are in need of support, please reach out to a licensed provider in your area- or if you think we could be a good fit to work together, feel free to contact me if you are located in California, and looking for someone who gets it. If you believe you are experiencing a mental health emergency, please call 911 or the 988 crisis hotline, or local crisis support services in your area.