When Medications Hurt Instead of Help: Understanding Iatrogenic Injury and Psychiatric Medication Withdrawal

/

Written by Cecily Longo, LMFT

A Note Before We Begin

I am not a doctor, physician, or prescriber.

This article covers a topic that is deeply important to me—both professionally and personally.

As a therapist, I have witnessed many clients benefit greatly from psychiatric medications. I have also seen many individuals harmed by them.

Here, I focus on how therapists, within their scope of practice, can support clients who are experiencing a difficult tapering process with antidepressants or benzodiazepines—when those medications have been taken exactly as prescribed.

I have researched this topic extensively and have included credible sources for the facts presented, along with resources for those who wish to explore further—whether for professional or personal reasons.

This post is not anti-medication. It’s not here to tell anyone what to take, stop, or question. That’s a deeply personal decision, best made in collaboration with a trusted, knowledgeable medical provider.

It’s not about being “for” or “against” psychiatric medication—it’s about understanding the full picture: the research, the risks, the realities, and the stories that too often go unheard, particularly for the 30%+ of people who experience significant challenges both short- and long-term.

My goal is simple: to offer what many never received—true informed consent.

If these medications have helped you? That’s valid. That’s real.
If they’ve harmed you? That’s valid, too.

Both truths can coexist—and this article holds space for both.

Before We Explore Iatrogenic Harm

Here’s a quick, research-based checklist of what some commonly prescribed psychiatric medications do well.

This list is not exhaustive and does not cover every psychiatric medication, but it highlights key, evidence-supported benefits for antidepressants and benzodiazepines when used appropriately and under medical supervision.

What Antidepressants Do Well: Fast Facts

  • 2 out of 3 people respond positively to antidepressants, compared to 1 in 3 on placebo (Cipriani et al., 2018, The Lancet).

  • 67% response rate in adult depression trials with many SSRIs/SNRIs (PMC article).

  • Some of the most effective & well-tolerated meds include escitalopram, sertraline, vortioxetine, and desvenlafaxine (Nature Reviews).

  • For dysthymia (chronic low-grade depression), SSRIs are 55% effective vs. 31% for placebo.

  • With structured support, 42–68% of people successfully discontinue antidepressants without relapse over 1–5 years (Horowitz et al., 2021; The Times UK).

  • Withdrawal symptoms are common but often temporary: about 15–30% report them; with slow tapering, rates may drop to under 5%.

  • Many people stay on these medications safely and without complication—especially when paired with therapy, lifestyle change, and medical monitoring.

What Benzodiazepines Do Well: Fast Facts

  • Rapid anxiety relief – Onset within minutes to hours, making them effective for acute panic attacks, severe anxiety spikes, and crisis stabilization (Lader, 2011).

  • Short-term insomnia treatment – Can help initiate and maintain sleep for short periods (generally ≤ 2–4 weeks) when other strategies have failed.

  • Procedural and medical sedation – Used in dentistry, surgery, and diagnostic procedures to reduce anxiety and induce calm.

  • Muscle relaxation – Helpful in acute muscle spasms, neurological disorders (e.g., multiple sclerosis), and post-injury recovery.

  • Seizure control – Fast-acting rescue medication for status epilepticus and acute seizure clusters.

  • Adjunct in trauma care – Short-term use to manage acute distress after traumatic events while other treatments are initiated.

  • Bridge therapy – Can temporarily stabilize symptoms during the initial weeks of starting an antidepressant, before the antidepressant takes full effect.

Who May Benefit From This Article

This article is intended for clinicians seeking to better understand and support clients experiencing troubling symptoms related to the prolonged use—and tapering—of psychiatric medications, as well as for individuals navigating this complex path themselves.

If you or someone you work with has experienced destabilizing, unexplained, or distressing symptoms after long-term use of a psychiatric medication—or during the process of reducing or stopping one—or if a medication that once seemed helpful now appears to be making things worse, this may speak directly to your experience.

What Is Iatrogenic Injury?

Iatrogenic injury refers to harm caused by medical treatment itself.

In the context of psychiatric medication, it means the symptoms or complications that can arise from the very medications intended to help—especially during or after a taper.

This can include physical, cognitive, and emotional symptoms that are often misunderstood or misdiagnosed.

As a trauma-informed therapist, I’ve worked with many clients who were prescribed psychiatric medications long-term—sometimes for decades—without fully understanding the potential for tolerance, neuroadaptation, or withdrawal.

When these medications are reduced or stopped, some people experience destabilizing symptoms that are frequently mischaracterized as relapse or a new mental illness.

Again—this article is not anti-medication. Many people benefit from psychiatric medications, and for some, they are lifesaving.

The goal here is to increase awareness of the need for improved informed consent, clinician awareness, and trauma-informed support for those who are harmed—especially when they took their medication exactly as prescribed.

Why This Happens: Tolerance, Tachyphylaxis, and Nervous System Disruption

Tolerance: The nervous system adapts to the presence of a drug, requiring more of it to achieve the same effect. Tolerance can develop even at low doses and with compliant use—especially with benzodiazepines and antidepressants. This process occurs due to receptor downregulation, meaning the brain reduces the number or sensitivity of receptors the substance interacts with, diminishing the drug’s effectiveness over time.

Tachyphylaxis (a.k.a. Prozac poop-out): A sudden or gradual loss of medication effectiveness despite continued use.

Withdrawal: A set of symptoms that can arise when a medication is reduced or discontinued. These symptoms may range from mild to debilitating—and can persist for months or even years in some cases after the medication is discontinued or tapered.

Kindling: A phenomenon where each successive withdrawal becomes more severe, reflecting heightened nervous system sensitization over time.

Tolerance Withdrawal: Another poorly understood but important phenomenon—when withdrawal-like symptoms emerge even while still taking the medication at a stable dose.

This is well-documented with benzodiazepines, where the brain adapts to the drug’s effects over time, and the existing dose no longer adequately regulates GABA (gamma-aminobutyric acid).

The result is a paradoxical worsening of symptoms—like anxiety, panic, cognitive fog, insomnia, and nervous system hypersensitivity—despite medication compliance. This is due to the downregulation of the receptors that bind to the drug.

With antidepressants, a related concept called tachyphylaxis involves a gradual or sudden loss of efficacy. While not always labeled as tolerance withdrawal, it similarly reflects neuroadaptive changes and may cause emotional or physiological destabilization even before tapering begins.

Commonly Prescribed Medications

Many clients are prescribed psychiatric medications for a range of symptoms and diagnoses—including Major Depressive Disorder (MDD), Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), panic disorder, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), insomnia (though not technically a stand-alone diagnosis), and a wide variety of other mental health concerns.

These medications may be prescribed for months, years, or even decades—sometimes without reevaluation or full awareness of the risks involved in long-term use.

Benzodiazepines

Often prescribed for anxiety, panic attacks, acute stress, insomnia, muscle spasms, and sometimes off-label for PTSD or as adjuncts in depression or pain management.

Common benzodiazepines include:

  • Alprazolam (Xanax)

  • Clonazepam (Klonopin)

  • Lorazepam (Ativan)

  • Diazepam (Valium)

  • Temazepam (Restoril)

Though originally approved for short-term use (typically 2–4 weeks), many clients remain on these medications far longer, increasing the risk of tolerance, dependence, and serious—even life-threatening—withdrawal complications.

Antidepressants

Primarily prescribed for major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety, panic disorder, social anxiety, PTSD, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), PMDD, and chronic pain syndromes.

Some are also used off-label for insomnia, eating disorders, and hot flashes.

Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors (SSRIs):

  • Fluoxetine (Prozac)

  • Sertraline (Zoloft)

  • Escitalopram (Lexapro)

  • Paroxetine (Paxil)

  • Citalopram (Celexa)

Serotonin-Norepinephrine Reuptake Inhibitors (SNRIs):

  • Venlafaxine (Effexor XR)

  • Duloxetine (Cymbalta)

  • Desvenlafaxine (Pristiq)

Although these medications can be lifesaving for some, others experience tolerance, emotional blunting, or withdrawal symptoms that may mimic or exceed the severity of their original condition—especially after long-term use or abrupt changes in dosing.

The Neurotransmitters Involved: GABA, Glutamate, and Serotonin

Benzodiazepines directly affect the brain’s GABA-A receptors—which regulate calming, sleep, and anxiety. Long-term use can lead to downregulation of these receptors and upregulation of glutamate, the brain’s primary excitatory chemical.

During withdrawal, this imbalance can result in severe overactivation of the nervous system—manifesting as anxiety, akathisia, tremors, cognitive impairment, and even seizures (Ashton Manual).

SSRIs and SNRIs affect serotonin reuptake and receptor sensitivity. After months or years of use, the brain may adapt by reducing natural serotonin signaling or altering receptor density.

When these medications are reduced too quickly, withdrawal symptoms can include mood swings, dizziness, electric shock sensations ("brain zaps"), and emotional numbness (Davies & Read, 2019).

These are neurophysiological processes—not character flaws, emotional weakness, or simply a “return” of the original condition.

Unfortunately, many clients are told that their symptoms during withdrawal or tapering are proof their underlying illness is returning, when in fact, these symptoms may be the result of nervous system adaptations caused by the medication itself.

A Note on Z-Drugs and Mood Stabilizers
While this article focuses primarily on benzodiazepines and antidepressants, it's important to note that Z-drugs (like zolpidem (Ambien) and eszopiclone(Lunesta)), often prescribed for sleep, also act on GABA-A receptors and can produce similar tolerance and withdrawal symptoms (Schifano, 2019), (NICE, 2022)

Mood stabilizers (e.g., lamotrigine, lithium, valproate) are a more varied category pharmacologically, and while less commonly discussed in withdrawal communities, they can still require thoughtful tapering under expert supervision. As always, individual responses vary, and informed, personalized care with an informed presciber is essential (Geddes et al., 2004), (Calabrese et al., 2003).

How Common Is Iatrogenic Injury?

Long-term use of psychiatric medication is increasingly common. Yet long-term studies are lacking.

  • Most antidepressant trials are conducted over 6–12 weeks, while many people remain on them for years or decades (Hengartner, 2020).

  • Withdrawal symptoms are common: 56% of patients experience withdrawal after stopping antidepressants, and 46% report them as severe (Davies & Read, 2019).

  • Benzodiazepine withdrawal is well-documented, with some symptoms emerging even after short-term use.

  • Despite being labeled as addictive, fewer than 2% of patients prescribed benzodiazepines misuse them (Jones & McAninch, 2015). Most take them exactly as prescribed—yet still develop physiological dependence.

Dependence vs. Addiction vs. Tolerance vs. Misuse vs. Abuse

Language matters. Many people harmed by psychiatric medications are mislabeled as “addicted” when their experience is iatrogenic dependence, not substance use disorder.

  • Dependence: The body adapts to a medication, and withdrawal occurs if it’s stopped or reduced. This can happen with appropriate, as-prescribed use.

  • Addiction: Involves compulsive use, craving, and loss of control. Most long-term psychiatric medication users do not meet this criteria. This is more behavioral and often accompanies abuse of a substance.

  • Tolerance: A neuroadaptive process where increasing doses are needed to achieve the same effect.

  • Misuse: Taking medication outside the prescribed parameters. This differs from substance abuse and addiction.

Definitions from DSM-5-TR, NIDA, and WHO

Substance Abuse (older term; now folded into Substance Use Disorder):
Refers to a pattern of harmful or hazardous use of psychoactive substances, including alcohol and illicit drugs. In earlier diagnostic models (DSM-IV), it was considered less severe than dependence.

Addiction (clinical shorthand; not a standalone DSM diagnosis):
A chronic, relapsing brain disease characterized by:

  • Compulsive substance use

  • Loss of control over intake

  • Continued use despite negative consequences

  • Often involves craving, tolerance, and withdrawal

Key differences in addiction vs. dependence:

  • Addiction involves behavioral dysregulation and compulsion.

  • Dependence is physical adaptation to a substance (can occur without addiction).

  • You can have dependence without addiction (e.g., many patients on antidepressants or benzodiazepines).

  • You can have addiction without physical dependence (e.g., behavioral addictions or early-stage SUD).

Why Antidepressants Aren’t Considered Addictive—But Benzodiazepines Are

Many people ask:
"If antidepressants cause withdrawal symptoms, doesn’t that mean they’re addictive?"

The answer lies in how we define addiction versus dependence.

  • Antidepressants (like SSRIs and SNRIs) can lead to physical dependence, but they don’t typically cause craving, compulsive use, or a “high.”

  • Benzodiazepines affect the brain’s GABA system, producing calming or euphoric effects for some users, making them more reinforcing.

In short:

  • Antidepressants = dependence possible, addiction unlikely.

  • Benzodiazepines = dependence and addiction both possible, especially with long-term or unsupervised use.

What Therapy Can—and Can’t—Do

I am not a prescriber. I do not offer medical tapering plans. But therapy can be a powerful part of healing.

Therapy can support:

  • Nervous system regulation (grounding, breathwork, EFT Tapping)

  • Emotional processing, grief, and identity shifts

  • Somatic and parts work (e.g., Internal Family Systems)

  • Making meaning of medical trauma and rebuilding self-trust

  • Validation of experiences often dismissed or misdiagnosed

Therapy may not be helpful when:

  • It pathologizes withdrawal as relapse

  • It relies solely on cognitive models (like traditional CBT) that bypass emotional and physiological regulation

  • It focuses on symptom “fixing” rather than nervous system support

What I Offer

I provide trauma-informed, emotionally attuned therapy for clients navigating psychiatric medication withdrawal and healing from iatrogenic injury.

This includes safe, non-pathologizing support for clients who are tapering, holding, or recovering from medications—especially benzodiazepines and antidepressants.

This work isn’t for everyone. But for those going through it, you know how real it is—and you don’t have to go through it alone.

Important Disclaimer

I am not a prescriber, de-prescriber, or tapering advisor. I do not provide medical guidance or make recommendations about whether you should taper.

If you have concerns about your current medication, its risks, or whether tapering is appropriate for you, please consult a licensed medical provider trained in safe deprescribing protocols.

Tapering psychiatric medications carries significant clinical risks and should always be done under medical supervision.

The most up-to-date recommendations reflect hyperbolic tapering, as outlined in the Maudsley Deprescribing Guidelines by Dr. Mark Horowitz. These guidelines emphasize gradual, individualized reductions based on scientific research and the patient’s unique symptom response—rather than rigid dose intervals or timelines.

If you choose to taper, finding a prescriber familiar with these methods can make a critical difference.

References & Resources

Key Clinical Manuals and Guidelines

Research on Antidepressants

  • Cipriani et al., 2018 (The Lancet) – Network meta-analysis: all 21 antidepressants more effective than placebo in acute MDD; comparative efficacy/acceptability.
    The Lancet – PubMed

  • Davies & Read, 2019 (Addictive Behaviors) – Systematic review: withdrawal incidence ~56%; ~46% severe among those with symptoms; duration can be months+ for some.
    PubMed Link

  • Horowitz & Taylor, 2019 (Lancet Psychiatry) – Hyperbolic tapering rationale for SSRIs to mitigate withdrawal; taper much slower to very low doses.
    The Lancet Psychiatry

  • Hengartner, 2020 (Ther Adv Psychopharmacol) – Critical review of relapse-prevention trials and withdrawal confounding in long-term antidepressant evidence.
    PMC Link

  • Mood Stabilizers

  • Calabrese JR, Bowden CL, Sachs GS, et al. A placebo-controlled 18-month trial of lamotrigine and lithium maintenance treatment in recently manic or hypomanic patients with bipolar I disorder. JAMA Psychiatry (Arch Gen Psychiatry). 2003;60(4):392-400. doi:10.1001/archpsyc.60.4.39 - Landmark trial showing lamotrigine and lithium prevent relapse better than placebo.

  • Geddes JR, Burgess S, Hawton K, et al. Long-term lithium therapy for bipolar disorder: systematic review and meta-analysis of randomized controlled trials. Am J Psychiatry. 2004;161(2):217-222. doi:

Research on Benzodiazepines

  • Ashton Manual – Classic clinical manual on benzodiazepine withdrawal, including tolerance withdrawal and protracted symptoms.
    Benzodiazepine Information Coalition

  • Lader, 2011/2014 (Addiction; Br J Gen Pract) – Reviews of benzodiazepine adverse effects, dependence/abuse potential, and long-term risks.
    PubMed – Addiction

  • Blanco et al., 2018 (J Clin Psychiatry/PMC) – US epidemiology: among benzo users, ~17% report misuse at least once; ~1.5% meet use-disorder criteria (supports the “misuse/addiction ≠ everyone on benzos” point).
    PMC Link

    Z-Drugs

  • Schifano F. An insight into Z-drug abuse and dependence. Front Pharmacol. 2019;10:617. doi:10.3389/fphar.2019.00617- Comprehensive review of zolpidem, zopiclone, zaleplon misuse, dependence, and withdrawal effects.

  • National Institute for Health and Care Excellence (NICE). Medicines associated with dependence or withdrawal symptoms: safe prescribing and withdrawal management for adults (NG215). 2022.- Official UK guideline explicitly noting Z-drug dependence potential and safe withdrawal strategies.

  • Core Guidance & Definitions

  • NICE (UK) – Quality statement on stopping antidepressants (taper in stages to reduce withdrawal).
    NICE Guidance

  • Royal College of Psychiatrists (RCPsych) – Position statement PS04/19: Antidepressants and depression (acknowledges severe/prolonged withdrawal for some; recommends gradual reduction & support).
    RCPsych Position Statement

  • FDA (US) – 2020 class-wide Boxed Warning update for benzodiazepines (abuse, misuse, addiction, physical dependence, withdrawal).
    FDA Drug Safety Communication

  • National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA) – Official definition of addiction (compulsive use despite harm; chronic/relapsing).
    NIDA Definition

Mechanisms & Clinical Differentiation

Patient-Facing & Clinician Resources

Disclaimer

While I am not a medical doctor or prescriber, this article reflects my professional experience as a therapist and my own extensive research on this topic. It is not intended to serve as medical advice. Always consult with a qualified prescriber when making changes to any psychiatric medication.

 

What is Narcissism and Why Does Everyone Keep Talking About it ?

/

Signs, Impact, and How to Heal (Without Waiting for a Diagnosis)

Written by Cecily Longo, LMFT

(You may also read this Blog on my Substack at TriggeredandConscious.Substack.com)

In this article, you may learn to recognize narcissistic and antagonistic personality dynamics, understand their emotional fallout, and start the healing process—with clarity, compassion, and grit.


BONUS: An info-packed quiz at the end to assess and sharpen your Narc-Radar. Let’s Set the Record Straight

If you’re tangled up with someone who has these traits—whether it’s a partner, parent, boss, or that one friend who turns every brunch into a TED Talk about themselves—you don’t have to be “out” of the relationship to start your healing path.

You can start right where you are.
Even if that means setting micro-boundaries, or just learning to dial up your BS radar while it’s happening.

And yes—there’s a difference between and often blurred lines between:

  • Overt narcissism (obviously inflated ego, attention-sucking/seeking, bragging, clearly entitled, undeniably unempathetic, both covert and overt- tendency to show consistent lack of accountability for their harmful even exploitative behaviors, see you as a means to and end to get what they want.)

  • Covert narcissism (quiet, victim-y, emotionally slippery, passive-aggressive, martyr vibes with entitlement flares and guilt trips, both covert and overt- often described as “wearing a mask,” “performing” again- to get what they want. Manipulation anyone ?)

This is a deeply researched, endlessly discussed topic, so we’re not going full DSM-mode here. It deserves its own spotlight—pun fully intended.

However, I wanted to write about this topic anyway—it’s one of the most common themes that comes up with therapy clients, and something I’m genuinely passionate about researching and supporting people through. That said, please remember: this post is not a substitute for professional therapy. If you’re in immediate danger or need support beyond what this article offers, please reach out to appropriate crisis resources or professional help.

Just know this:

These traits and behaviors exist on a spectrum. Real humans don’t usually line up neatly with diagnostic checkboxes.

Navigating these relationships isn’t some cute healing checklist. It’s messy. Confusing. Sometimes it’s two steps forward and one long slide back.

To make all this a little more digestible (and let’s try for a little fun in the darkness), I’ve included a quiz at the end to help you assess and boost your Narc-Radar skills.
It’s part insight, part snark, and designed to help you spot patterns you might be too exhausted to identify right now.

So… What Is Narcissism—and Why Should You Care?

You don’t need a psychology degree to know something feels off. Maybe it’s the way you leave conversations feeling like “the bad guy,” or “the crazy one,” post-someone-else’s tirade. Or how every boundary you set somehow turns into a emotional demolition of your worth.

Narcissism isn’t just a diagnosis. It’s a pattern. A vibe. A slow erosion of your self-trust that leaves your nervous system fried and your self-esteem in a ditch.

This post isn’t here to slap on labels. It’s here to help you stop questioning your reality and start reclaiming it.

What Narcissism Is (And Isn’t)

Not every selfish person is narcissistic. But narcissistic behavior? That’s real—and it’s a soul-sucking rollercoaster that can years to understand and exit, but it doesn’t have to!

People ask:

“But what if I’m wrong?”
“What if they’re just wounded/had a bad childhood?”
“What if I’m the narcissist?!”

Deep breath.
If you’re Googling this at 3 a.m., spiraling, and re-reading your own texts to see if you actually said something “mean,” you’re probably not a narcissist.

You don’t need a diagnosis to validate your experience. What matters is how their behavior makes you feel. Consistently.

Gaslighting, In Plain Terms.

Gaslighting is when someone messes with your memory, feelings, or perception of reality to maintain control—and makes you feel like the crazy one for noticing.

It’s not just lying. It’s psychological erosion, often disguised as concern or “corrections.” And if you’ve been through it long enough, you’ll start apologizing for things you didn’t do… and questioning the parts of you that used to feel certain.

Why do people with narcissistic traits react so badly to boundaries?! 

Ah Yes- The boundary blowback. You have finally felt grounded enough in some sovereignty to set. a. boundary. of some kind! Yes!! But you're met with the silent treatment, a nonsense whirlwind of temper tantrum, or some other WTF level of escalating conflict. Ug. What gives ?!

One reason narcissistic people often react so intensely to boundaries-  the smallest whiff of (PERCEIVED) criticism (often in the form of a self honoring boundary) can feel like emotional annihilation. Beneath the surface is often a deep, unacknowledged shame—one they’re terrified to witness, let alone feel. That’s why they deflect, blame, or punish instead. The closer you get to the truth, the more they panic. Until that core wound is faced (which many avoid at all costs), the patterns usually don’t shift. But that’s a post for another day.

Classic Narcissistic Greatest Hits (A.K.A. Things You Might Hear on Repeat)

  • “You’re too sensitive.”

  • “I never said that.”

  • “You’re imagining things.”

  • “Why are you making such a big deal out of nothing?”

  • “You’re the reason I’m like this.”

  • “Other people don’t have a problem with me.”

  • “Look at everything I’ve done for you.”

  • “You don’t know how awful it is being your (partner, parent, friend) !”

  • And of course, the sudden, dramatic love-bombing after you set a boundary, go quiet, or threaten to walk away—cue the flattery, future faking (I promise I’ll change), and out-of-nowhere gestures- grand and small.

What’s love-bombing? It’s the emotionally extravagant affection—texts, gifts, praise, apologies, promises—that shows up just when you start to recoil. It can feel intoxicating, even healing, and instigate HOPE AGAIN!… until you realize it’s designed to disarm you and reset the cycle.

And yes, while this is an overly discussed topic in some circles, it still deserves mention here—because it’s an important piece of the whole picture.

Emotional Fallout: Common Side Effects of Narcissistic Relationships

This isn’t just “bad vibes.” It’s emotional whiplash. Some signs you’ve been affected:

  • Walking on eggshells to keep the peace

  • Apologizing for things you didn’t do- or Apologizing for things they did!

  • Finding yourself sometimes frantically seeking someone’s approval—even when they rarely give it

  • Questioning your memory, your motives, and your worth

  • Shrinking yourself to be “less” so as not upset someone

  • Explaining. Explaining. Explaining again.

  • Exhausted nervous system and a whole lot of WTF energy

How to Start Healing (Even If You’re Still In It)

  • Name what’s happening. Seriously, name it. No sugar coating- Out loud. In a journal. In a meme.

  • Set micro-boundaries even if you feel shaky. Begin to honor YOU.

  • Reclaim your nervous system. Breathwork, tapping, walking away mid-rant—whatever calms your inner chaos gets priority now, to center yourself.

  • Stop over-explaining. If someone is committed to misunderstanding you, no explaining again and again, will cause someone to “understand you.” Protect your energy. Learn not to give it away like free samples at Costco.

  • Make peace with being “too much,” “too sensitive,” or “not enough.”
    You were never too much for the right people. You were just inconvenient for the wrong ones.
    You were never too sensitive—they just didn’t want to show up when you needed them.

  • Switch from people-pleasing to self-pleasing. Yes, I said it. Make your peace a priority again. This is often a slow process. Pace yourself.

  • Block them—energetically and digitally- when you’re ready or that makes sense for your situation. Sometimes the most spiritual thing you can do is hit “mute.”

  • Surround yourself with people who don’t require an emotional costume. If you have to shrink to be loved, it’s not love.

  • Work with someone who actually gets it. Trauma-informed coaching or therapy is golden.

Editors Note: Because Someone Read This
This section was added by popular demand—okay, one enthusiastic reader, but still. If something in here sparks a question or leaves you wondering “Wait, what does that mean?”—drop it in the comments or shoot me a message. I got you.

Now, let’s talk about micro-boundaries… a micro-boundary is a small but powerful shift in how you respond to someone—especially when direct confrontation feels unsafe or exhausting.

Think:

  • Not answering their text immediately when you’re overwhelmed

  • Keeping your responses short and neutral instead of over-explaining

These aren't mind games. They’re self-preservation tools. If someone’s been crossing your boundaries for years, even the smallest recalibration can feel huge—and threatening to them.

But here’s the truth- Protecting your energy isn’t playing games. It’s you finally learning to stop bleeding for people who hand you the knife

Common Gaslight-y Phrases + How to Respond

(Yes, this is your Nervous System Reset Foundation and Self Preservation Map)

First, A Word on Silence and Walking Away

Sometimes the wisest move isn’t a comeback—it’s no comment.

Disengagement, silence, and that subtle art of not taking the bait? That’s nervous system gold. And while it might feel unfamiliar or even uncomfortable at first, it often becomes your most reliable self-protection tool.

You don’t need to explain, defend, or prove anything to people who are committed to misunderstanding you and maintaining control over you and the relationship, due to their refusal to acknowledge their own insecurities.

Walking away doesn’t mean you’re weak or avoidant. It means you’re conserving energy for what actually matters: you.

And yes—it takes time and practice. Navigating these dynamics is a learning process. With each person, you’ll start to develop a feel for what works, what backfires, and what preserves your peace. Sometimes that’s a boundary. Sometimes it’s a script. And sometimes—more often than not—it’s a well-timed, soul-saving silence.

Silence isn’t weakness. It’s strategic wisdom with a volume knob.

What They Might Say and How You Can Respond

If they say, “You’re too sensitive,” Try, “I feel things deeply—and that’s not a flaw.”

If they say, “I never said that.” Try, “I remember it differently.” (No need to debate it.)

If they say, “You’re imagining things.” Try, “My experience is valid, even if you disagree.”

If they say, “You’re lucky I even put up with you.” Try, “That sounds hurtful. I expect to be treated with respect.”

If they say, “You’re overreacting.” Try, “This matters to me.”

If they say, “Look at everything I’ve done for you.” Try, “True generosity doesn’t come with a receipt or a guilt trip.”

If they say, “You’re the problem.” Try, “I’m open to reflection—not to being scapegoated.”

Gray Rock vs. Yellow Rock

-Gray Rock: You go emotionally flat. Zero flavor. Zero drama. You’re boring on purpose. D I S E N G A G E.
-Yellow Rock: Still neutral, but with warmth and humanity. Best used when you can’t fully cut ties (like a family member or colleague).

Both are nervous-system-saving tactics. Choose based on the situation—and your energy emotional budget.

THE QUIZ!!!!! How’s Your Narc-Busting Radar Going ?

A validating quiz for anyone who’s ever walked away from a conversation thinking, “Wait… how did I end up apologizing for what they did !?”

Pick the answer that feels most familiar. Tally your points at the end. The prize is clarity, catharsis, and the inner peace you stumble upon while starting the ascent out of the gaslight-y quagmire

1. When You Share Good News

Narc infused personalities tend to react to others’ success with envy, entitlement, or dismissiveness. Especially if your happiness doesn't involve them directly. Their response often reveals more about their capacity emotionally, than what you are actually telling them.

They:
A. Congratulate you… then pivot to their own story. (2 pts)
B. Say “must be nice” and go stone-faced. (3 pts)
C. Ask why you didn’t tell them sooner—and act hurt. (1 pt)
D. Forget within 30 seconds. (2 pts)

2. When You Set a Boundary

Setting a clear boundary with a narcissistic or antagonistic person often threatens their sense of control. Remember control is what they really want over the relationship. They crave the endless, steady flow validation from you (and anyone) anyway they can soak it up. Even if you set a boundary calmly, precisely and compassionately, they may experience it as a rejection criticism or even a betrayal.

They:
A. Ignore it and do the thing anyway. (2 pts)
B. Accuse you of being selfish, dramatic, or “too much.” (3 pts)
C. Guilt-trip you later with “I was just trying to help.” (4 pts)
D. Laugh and say, “Wow. You’ve changed.” (1 pt)

3. When You State the Facts

Stating a fact or addressing behavior when you have been harmed, can really backfire on you with these personality types. Stating a fact can be very destabilizing to someone who thrives on denying reality, or manipulation to keep control over the relationship. This can work in your favor at times but can also backfire.

They:
A. Say, “You always make me the bad guy.” (2 pts)
B. Cry, say you’re abusive, and call in reinforcements. (3 pts)
C. Deflect and accuse you of doing the exact thing they did. (4 pts)
D. Go eerily silent and punish you with weird vibes for days. (1 pt)

4. When You’re Vulnerable

This is one area where so many struggle with narcissistic personalities, as sometimes they show up as nice and caring people. So when your guard is down and you disclose something vulnerable, you may experience the whiplash of their lack of ability or willingness to hold space for your pain. Your vulnerability might trigger their own shame, envy or discomfort - a major trait of what sets narcissistic patterns apart from other personality styles. This may lead them to minimize or punish you for your emotional needs. This can be incredibly confusing, and no you are definitely not imagining things and you are not crazy at all.

They:
A. Hijack it with a bigger, sadder story. (2 pts)
B. Trauma one-up you with “You think YOU have it bad?” (3 pts)
C. Act like you’re a burden for even bringing it up. (4 pts)
D. Say, “Well, maybe you should’ve seen that coming.” (1 pt)

5. When They Apologize (Kind Of)

Most narcissistic people don't actually apologize. They can put on a darn good Oscar level performance though, for apology-adjacent behavior. This allows them to regain control, avoid accountability, or manipulate how you see the relationship and them- and get their needs met, not yours. Remember accountability is one of their largest aversions in life.

They say:
A. “I’m sorry you feel that way.” (2 pts)
B. “I guess I’m just always the villain now.” (3 pts)
C. “That’s not what I meant—you misunderstood everything.” (4 pts)
D. “Fine. Whatever. Sorry.” (1 pt)

🔢 Your Score: How Narc-Savvy Are You?

🟡 5–7 points: Gaslight Rookie
You’re waking up. It’s weird and foggy—but you’re asking the right questions.

🟠 8–12 points: Boundary Ninja Up and Coming!
You’re starting to trust your gut more than their guilt trips. Jedi status pending.

🔴 13–17 points: Certified BS Translator
You speak fluent Narc-o-pology, and probably have a favorite burner number.

🟣 18+ points: Emotional Escape Artist
You grey rock like it’s performance art and block like a boss. Your time is sacred. So is your peace.

Final Thoughts: You’re Not Too Sensitive. You’re Rising Up.

If this post hit a nerve, stirred something, or made you laugh-cry in recognition—that’s not a sign you’re broken. It’s a sign you’re remembering your own truth.

You don’t have to go full no-contact to start healing.
You don’t have to explain yourself to people who refuse to hear you.
And you sure as hell don’t have to keep shrinking to survive.

Start where you are. Set the tiniest boundary. Reclaim the smallest moment of clarity. That’s healing.

Have Thoughts? Comments? Anything else you’d like to hear about ? I’m listening, this convo’s just getting started, and we’re in this together!

If you made it this far, thank you! That was a lot, I know. I hope it helped you name something that needed naming.

If you are in California and interested in a complimentary consultation for therapy to see if we are a good fit to work together, please feel free to reach out via www.cecilylongotherapy.com.

Disclaimer: This article is for educational and informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy, medical advice, or crisis support. If you’re struggling with your mental health or navigating a challenging relationship, please consider working with a licensed therapist or qualified professional who can support you in real time. I write these posts to inform, validate, and empower—but healing is deeply personal. Take what resonates and leave the rest.

© 2025 Cecily Longo, LMFT