I Know It’s Toxic… So Why Can’t I Leave? (because hope and history just don't disappear overnight).

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Let’s just acknowledge:

The last couple articles were jam-packed with info. Psychology. Trauma. Patterns. Survival mode. All of it.

 

So this one? This is a breather.

A truth bomb. A glitter-dusted gut-check that’s been requested more times than I can count as I sit with clients week after week. Because nearly everyone—and I mean everyone—has asked themselves some version of this question at some point:

 

Why am I staying in a relationship that I know is not good for me?

(Be it a relationship, situationship, or “whatever-this-is”—you know exactly what came to mind.) 😊

 

Whether this applies to you right now, your recent past, or that “WTF was I thinking” era you try not to revisit… this one’s for you.

 

Take what resonates. Leave the rest.

And may it land exactly when and where it needs to.

 

Namaste—but like, the spicy kind.

Let’s go.

 Why It’s So Hard to Leave a Toxic Relationship

 

(Even when you know it’s not healthy or downright toxic for you.)

 

Let’s stop pretending it’s just “low self-esteem.” It’s not that simple. This is about hope, trauma wiring, and fear of loss that can feel like the end of the earth.

 

-----àSIDE NOTE: Not Every Toxic Relationship Involves a Narcissist

(See blog “What is Narcissism And Why Are We Talking About It?” for more on this.)

Let’s clear something up:

Not every unhealthy or painful relationship involves a narcissist—or a “bad” person.
Sometimes you’ve simply outgrown each other.
Sometimes, despite all the therapy, communication work, and growth you’ve done, it’s just not working anymore.
And if your mental or physical health is suffering, that’s reason enough to re-evaluate—whether or not the other person fits a clinical label.

That said, if you are in a relationship with someone who shows narcissistic or antagonistic personality traits, yes—it will likely feel more emotionally ungrounded. More manipulative. More confusing.
And show up as more harmful.

Still—the choice to stay is always yours.
There’s no moral hierarchy here.
There’s no shame in staying. And no medal for leaving.

This is your process. Your pace. Your life.
No one gets to decide what’s right for you—but you.

Turns out the popular advice- 'just leave' isn’t usually a real strategy.

Either way, if you’re wondering why the hell you’re still in a relationship, situationship—or keep going back—this might help you name it:

1. You’re Super-Glued to the Idea of Hope

You’ve seen glimpses of their potential. The version of them that was nice, attentive, or deeply connected… once.

You keep waiting for that person to come back. Hope becomes the thing holding everything together—even as everything falls apart.

“It wasn’t all bad…” is the emotional boomerang that pulls you back in.

And in countless hours of sitting with people across the screen, I can say this is one of the most raw and relatable parts of being human in the land of relationships:
That 1% of hope—that you’re holding because you're well-meaning, loyal, and emotionally invested—can be the very thing that keeps you hanging on for years (even decades) in a connection where your needs aren't being met, or in a relationship you've simply outgrown.

2. The Idea of Being Relationship-Less Feels Like Free-Falling Into the Void

It’s not just about being single—it’s about the unfamiliar or even deeply unsettling silence that follows when it’s over.

Who even are you without the excitement? Without their texts? Without someone to orbit? Without the parts that feel like real companionship ?

Sometimes staying feels easier than facing the existential abyss of being alone with yourself.

But here’s the truth:

That abyss? It’s where you meet the version of you who doesn’t settle anymore.

3. Your Attachment System Is Lit Up Like a Christmas Tree

If love was unpredictable or conditional growing up, your nervous system might register chaos as familiar. Maybe even safe.

This isn’t a flaw—it’s wiring. And it’s not your fault.

Feeling stuck about staying or leaving is not weakness or a fatal flaw—it’s nervous system science.

4. You’re in a Trauma Bond (And You Didn’t Sign Up for That)

They give, then take. Pull close, then disappear.
This push-pull dynamic creates intermittent reinforcement—the most addictive psychological loop there is (yes, actual neurotransmitters are involved).

You’re not weak. You’re human.
You’re likely hooked on a hope loop fueled by dopamine, oxytocin, and a nervous system just trying to find relief.

That chemistry makes it really hard to see the forest for the toxic trees.

5. You’ve Confused Intensity with Intimacy

Explosive fights. Tearful makeups. 3 a.m. “I love you”s.

It feels passionate—but real love is consistent, not chaotic.

Intimacy doesn’t need to burn to be real.

And here’s another thing that comes up week after week in therapy sessions:


We live in a culture that’s taught us to hyper-focus on chemistry, not compatibility.
But great relationships don’t come from butterflies alone—they come from shared values, emotional safety, and mutual effort.

In our swipe-and-hookup culture, many of those deeper relationship skills have gotten lost. There’s nothing wrong with hooking up if that’s what you want—honestly, good for you for knowing what you’re into.

But if you feel stuck in hopeless, unfulfilling dynamics?
This is one of the areas that can help you grow.

6. You’re Getting Crumbs… and Calling It Love

That one kind text. A shared memory. An “I miss you.”
It’s not nothing, but it’s not enough.

This pattern can run deep—rooted in family history, early attachment, or what you had to settle for to feel safe. And honestly? It’s reinforced by the swipe culture we’re all swimming in.

When hookup apps and ghosting become normal, even the bare minimum can start to feel like something meaningful.

And then… the crumbs start to feel like the whole loaf, slathered in top shelf olive oil.

You may even start to feel programmed to believe this is great—like “hey, at least they texted back!”
But deep down, something’s still missing.

And spoiler: if it feels like something’s missing, it probably is.

7. Your Inner Critic Is Loud AF

Toxic partners often echo what your inner bully already says:

“You’re too much. You’re hard to love. You’re lucky anyone puts up with you.”

Staying feels like torture. Leaving feels like rebellion and more uncertainty than you feel like you can manage at this time.

It’s okay to rebel. That voice isn’t the truth.

8. You Think If They Change, You Won’t Have to Let Go

If they change… maybe you weren’t wrong. Maybe this wasn’t a waste. Maybe you don’t have to feel the grief.

But the truth? Letting go is strength with receipts.

It means you finally chose you.

9. You’re Waiting to Feel “Ready”

You may never feel totally ready. Most people don’t.

Leaving a toxic (or any) relationship is a leap of faith. A trust fall into your future.

You don’t need certainty. You need courage. And you already have some—you’re here reading this.

10. You’re Waiting for Closure

You want an apology. An admission. Some grand moment that ties the story together.  Honor the good parts. Wrap it all in a nice bow. Talk about what didn’t work and how you both tried…Like an exit interview for a job you couldn’t wait to leave….

But most toxic people, most PEOPLE IN GENERAL don’t give closure—they give just enough hope to keep you spinning.

Let’s talk about it—because this one? It’s huge.
People get so hung up on the idea of closure, and it’s one of the biggest traps I see.

Here’s the truth:
Closure is not something another person gives you.
It’s an internal process—a moment (or many moments) of radical acceptance.

Acceptance that maybe things didn’t turn out how you hoped. That you’ll never get the apology you deserve. That you’re grieving a story you wanted to believe in. And that even with all that… you still get to move forward.

Closure is when you reclaim yourself. When you say, “This isn’t what I wanted, and I trust that I’ll be okay.”

If you’re waiting for someone who hasn’t treated you well to suddenly show up with empathy and give you permission to move on—that’s not closure.
That’s handing your power to someone who’s already shown you what they do with it.

Let this be your sign to stop waiting.
Gracefully, compassionately—take your life back. Start your life a-fresh.

Closure isn’t given. It’s chosen. You don’t need their permission to heal.

 

11. You’ve Invested Too Much to Quit (AKA: The Sunk Cost Fallacy)

You’ve put in time. Years, maybe. You’ve been through so much together. You’ve poured in love, effort, therapy breakthroughs, and your whole damn heart.


You think, ‘I can’t walk away now—not after everything I’ve invested.’

That’s called the sunk cost fallacy.

If you ask yourself, ‘Seriously—how is this still happening?’ and answer, “Because I’ve already spent five years, I should stay… even if I’m unhappy.”


That’s the sunken part of the sunk cost fallacy—where your brain insists the past investment means you have to keep investing.

But if those five years haven’t brought you what you need—do you really want to spend five more hoping it turns into what it was in the first three weeks?

It’s completely understandable why your nervous system wants to make it feel safe, familiar, or meaningful. That longing makes sense.

But in most cases? That kind of hope just keeps you stuck.
And if you’ve read this far, there’s a part of you that already knows it’s time to reevaluate.

You’re allowed to choose peace now—even if it’s taken a long time to get here.

 

AND NOW…….

 

The Highly Requested Checklist (and Talked About Weekly…)

This next section is one of the most frequently requested and discussed topics I see with clients.
If you’re feeling confused, stuck, or unsure about whether what you’re experiencing is actually toxic—this list may help bring some clarity.

Use it as a reflection tool, not a self-judgment one. You’re here, you’re learning, growing, and that already matters.

 

HEALTHY VS UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP BEHAVIORS CHECKLIST

Spot the difference. Your nervous system already knows.

 

 Signs of  Healthy Relationship

  • You feel emotionally safe

  • Communication is direct and respectful -even with tough conversations

  • Conflict is handled with care, not punishment

  • You can disagree without fear of punishment or withdrawal

  • Boundaries are respected and honored

  • You feel seen, heard, and valued

  • You’re encouraged to grow and evolve

  • Love feels steady and grounded

  • There’s mutual accountability

  • You can trust both their words and actions

  • Words and actions are consistent

  • You show up for one another during times of stress

  • You feel more like yourself, not less

  • You trust you can express your needs without backlash

  • Your nervous system feels, safe, steady, and calm overall.

 

 Signs of An Unhealthy Relationship  

  • You feel emotionally on edge

  • Communication is hot-and-cold, manipulative, or vague

  • Conflict leads to silent treatment, withdrawal, or blame

  • Boundaries are ignored, mocked, or punished

  • You feel confused, dismissed, or invisible

  • Your growth is seen as a threat, not a win

  • Love feels like a rollercoaster with no seatbelt

  • You’re constantly walking on eggshells

  • You’re made to feel like everything is your fault

  • You’re always guessing where you stand

  • You feel like you have to shrink or silence yourself to keep the peace

  • You compromise your needs- or feel guilty for having them at all

  • You feel like speaking your truth will rock the boat

  • You work overtime to meet their needs, while yours go unnoticed or dismissed

🧠 SOOOO Are We Adulting… or Just Avoiding a Breakup?

QUIZ TIME

Another highly requested one—because quizzes can actually be fun (and also super clarifying when your brain is a swirl of what-if’s and mixed signals), a bit disarming, and kind of magical when it comes to figuring out where you are in this whole relationship growth arena.

Because here’s the thing:

Toxic relationships don’t always start that way. Sometimes they become toxic when unhealthy patterns and habits go unchecked for too long—on either side.

This next section helps you check in with yourself and your partner, not to assign blame, but to bring awareness to what you’re both bringing to the table.

Ready?

 💘 THE QUIZ: Are We Adulting in This Relationship… or Just Good at Ghosting?

If you have been wondering- Are we showing up with grown-up vibes that could actually make this thing last?
Or are we low-key about to implode the whole thing in a blaze of passive aggression, miscommunication, and going nowhere texting habits?

I don’t know. But this quiz might help.

Use it as a compass, not a judgment stick. Growth doesn’t mean perfection—it just means you’re willing.

 RELATIONSHIP WARRIOR NINJA BEHAVIORS

 

(You or your partner demonstrate…)

  • You can say “I’m sorry” without spiraling into shame or defensiveness

  • You take time to regulate before responding when upset

  • You can have a hard conversation without name-calling, sarcasm, or shutdowns

  • You express needs clearly instead of hoping they’ll read your mind

  • You take responsibility for your part without over-owning everything

  • You’re able to disagree without making it a personal attack

  • You respect each other’s boundaries without guilt-tripping

  • You repair after conflict instead of pretending nothing happened

  • You seek understanding, not just to be “right”

  • You can handle hearing “no” without punishment, pouting, or passive-aggression

  • You can say: “That triggered me—and I want to work through it” instead of blaming

  • You stay in the present rather than bringing up old fights to win new ones

  • You feel safe enough to be honest and kind at the same time

 

Tally: ____ out of 13

✅ Adulting Like a Boss Behaviors

The more you checked here, the more you’re a Relationship Warrior-Ninja™.

If you scored high in this section, that’s a great sign. You’re showing up with communication, accountability, emotional regulation, and a willingness to grow—aka the good stuff.

Even checking just one or two of these means you’re building a solid foundation. Nobody does all 13 perfectly (except maybe on a podcast).

The goal isn’t perfection—it’s effort.

 

 WE HAVE A WHOLE LOT OF GROWING TO DO (AND THAT’S OK) BEHAVIORS

 

(You or your partner often…)

  • Blame the other person for every conflict

  • Say things like “you always” or “you never” during arguments

  • Go silent or ghosty when upset instead of communicating

  • React instead of reflect

  • Apologize to end a fight—not because they mean it

  • Feel threatened by feedback instead of curious

  • Use guilt, pity, or fear to get needs met

  • Accuse the other person of being “too sensitive” or “crazy”

  • Weaponize vulnerability shared in past conversations

  • Hold grudges or keep a mental list of offenses

  • Punish you with silence, withdrawal, or withholding affection

  • Expect you to guess what they’re feeling without telling you

  • Believe emotional control = emotional strength

 

Tally: ____ out of 13

 RESULTS:

 

0–3? You’re a Relationship Warrior-Ninja.
You’re doing really well. Communication, self-awareness, accountability—you’ve got a strong foundation.

Even at your best, there’s always room to grow, but honestly? You’re showing up. Keep going.

4–7? You’re in the Messy Middle (aka Being Human).
There’s room for growth, repair, and deeper alignment—but you’re not off track. This is where a lot of people live, and it’s where real relationship work begins.

8+? We’ve Got a lot of Work to Do—and That’s Okay.
This is your gentle nudge to slow down, reflect, and maybe not hit send just yet. Whether it’s you, them, or both, awareness is a powerful first step.

No shame—just information. And you’re already doing the hardest part: being honest with yourself.

 

 No relationship is adult, perfect, and mature all the time. The difference?

Mature partners are willing to own, repair, and evolve. Immature ones just blame, repeat, and distract.

 Final Thoughts

 

Whether you’re in it, out of it, or still thinking about someone from three breakups ago—you deserve love that feels safe, honest, and kind.

 

It’s not too much to want a partner who communicates like an adult.

It’s not too late to be that partner, either.

 

So here’s your permission slip to stop normalizing chaos.

And here’s your glittery nudge to stop calling emotional unavailability a “challenge.”

 

Healing is sexy.

Emotional maturity is hot.

And choosing peace over patterns? Icon behavior.

 

Thank you for reading.
If you’ve made it to the end, I appreciate you sticking with it. I hope you take what resonates and leave the rest.

The real magic starts when you show up and choose you.
Now go out there and choose yourself like it’s a full-time job—because it kinda is. 💼✨

Disclaimer: This article is not a substitute for professional therapy, treatment, or diagnosis. And this article reflects the opinions and personal reflections of this author. If you feel you are in need of professional support, please reach out to a therapist in your local community. If you are in California and this article resonated with you, please feel free to contact me through this website to schedule a complimentary consultation.

To view more blog posts on pop psychology, real-life issues, and how to heal through it all - with zero shame and a dash of humor- feel free to check out https://triggeredandconscious.substack.com/

 

 Safety Disclaimer + Crisis Resources

 

If you’re currently experiencing physical violence, coercion, sexual abuse, or feel unsafe in your relationship, please know this article is not a substitute for immediate support. You deserve safety and care—not just insight.

You are not overreacting. You are not being dramatic. And you are not alone.

 

 U.S. Crisis Support

  • National Domestic Violence Hotline: Call 1‑800‑799‑7233, text LOVEIS to 22522, or chat online. Available 24/7.

  • DomesticShelters.org: Database of shelters and DV programs across the U.S. and Canada — Search now.

 

 International Resources