What is Narcissism and Why Does Everyone Keep Talking About it ?

Signs, Impact, and How to Heal (Without Waiting for a Diagnosis)

Written by Cecily Longo, LMFT

(You may also read this Blog on my Substack at TriggeredandConscious.Substack.com)

In this article, you may learn to recognize narcissistic and antagonistic personality dynamics, understand their emotional fallout, and start the healing process—with clarity, compassion, and grit.

BONUS: An info-packed quiz at the end to assess and sharpen your Narc-Radar. Let’s Set the Record Straight

If you’re tangled up with someone who has these traits—whether it’s a partner, parent, boss, or that one friend who turns every brunch into a TED Talk about themselves—you don’t have to be “out” of the relationship to start your healing path.

You can start right where you are.
Even if that means setting micro-boundaries, or just learning to dial up your BS radar while it’s happening.

And yes—there’s a difference between and often blurred lines between:

• Overt narcissism (obviously inflated ego, attention-sucking/seeking, bragging, clearly entitled, undeniably unempathetic, both covert and overt- tendency to show consistent lack of accountability for their harmful even exploitative behaviors, see you as a means to and end to get what they want.)

• Covert narcissism (quiet, victim-y, emotionally slippery, passive-aggressive, martyr vibes with entitlement flares and guilt trips, both covert and overt- often described as “wearing a mask,” “performing” again- to get what they want. Manipulation anyone ?)

This is a deeply researched, endlessly discussed topic, so we’re not going full DSM-mode here. It deserves its own spotlight—pun fully intended.

However, I wanted to write about this topic anyway—it’s one of the most common themes that comes up with therapy clients, and something I’m genuinely passionate about researching and supporting people through. That said, please remember: this post is not a substitute for professional therapy. If you’re in immediate danger or need support beyond what this article offers, please reach out to appropriate crisis resources or professional help.

Just know this:

These traits and behaviors exist on a spectrum. Real humans don’t usually line up neatly with diagnostic checkboxes.

Navigating these relationships isn’t some cute healing checklist. It’s messy. Confusing. Sometimes it’s two steps forward and one long slide back.

To make all this a little more digestible (and let’s try for a little fun in the darkness), I’ve included a quiz at the end to help you assess and boost your Narc-Radar skills.
It’s part insight, part snark, and designed to help you spot patterns you might be too exhausted to identify right now.

So… What Is Narcissism—and Why Should You Care?

You don’t need a psychology degree to know something feels off. Maybe it’s the way you leave conversations feeling like “the bad guy,” or “the crazy one,” post-someone-else’s tirade. Or how every boundary you set somehow turns into a emotional demolition of your worth.

Narcissism isn’t just a diagnosis. It’s a pattern. A vibe. A slow erosion of your self-trust that leaves your nervous system fried and your self-esteem in a ditch.

This post isn’t here to slap on labels. It’s here to help you stop questioning your reality and start reclaiming it.

What Narcissism Is (And Isn’t)

Not every selfish person is narcissistic. But narcissistic behavior? That’s real—and it’s a soul-sucking rollercoaster that can years to understand and exit, but it doesn’t have to!

People ask:

“But what if I’m wrong?”
“What if they’re just wounded/had a bad childhood?”
“What if I’m the narcissist?!”

Deep breath.
If you’re Googling this at 3 a.m., spiraling, and re-reading your own texts to see if you actually said something “mean,” you’re probably not a narcissist.

You don’t need a diagnosis to validate your experience. What matters is how their behavior makes you feel. Consistently.

Gaslighting, In Plain Terms.

Gaslighting is when someone messes with your memory, feelings, or perception of reality to maintain control—and makes you feel like the crazy one for noticing.

It’s not just lying. It’s psychological erosion, often disguised as concern or “corrections.” And if you’ve been through it long enough, you’ll start apologizing for things you didn’t do… and questioning the parts of you that used to feel certain.

Classic Narcissistic Greatest Hits (A.K.A. Things You Might Hear on Repeat)

• “You’re too sensitive.”

• “I never said that.”

• “You’re imagining things.”

• “Why are you making such a big deal out of nothing?”

• “You’re the reason I’m like this.”

• “Other people don’t have a problem with me.”

• “Look at everything I’ve done for you.”

• “You don’t know how awful it is being your (partner, parent, friend) !”

• And of course, the sudden, dramatic love-bombing after you set a boundary, go quiet, or threaten to walk away—cue the flattery, future faking (I promise I’ll change), and out-of-nowhere gestures- grand and small.

What’s love-bombing? It’s the emotionally extravagant affection—texts, gifts, praise, apologies, promises—that shows up just when you start to recoil. It can feel intoxicating, even healing, and instigate HOPE AGAIN!… until you realize it’s designed to disarm you and reset the cycle.

And yes, while this is an overly discussed topic in some circles, it still deserves mention here—because it’s an important piece of the whole picture.

Emotional Fallout: Common Side Effects of Narcissistic Relationships

This isn’t just “bad vibes.” It’s emotional whiplash. Some signs you’ve been affected:

• Walking on eggshells to keep the peace

• Apologizing for things you didn’t do- or Apologizing for things they did!

• Finding yourself sometimes frantically seeking someone’s approval—even when they rarely give it

• Questioning your memory, your motives, and your worth

• Shrinking yourself to be “less” so as not upset someone

• Explaining. Explaining. Explaining again.

• Exhausted nervous system and a whole lot of WTF energy

How to Start Healing (Even If You’re Still In It)

Name what’s happening. Seriously, name it. No sugar coating- Out loud. In a journal. In a meme.

Set micro-boundaries even if you feel shaky. Begin to honor YOU.

Reclaim your nervous system. Breathwork, tapping, walking away mid-rant—whatever calms your inner chaos gets priority now, to center yourself.

Stop over-explaining. If someone is committed to misunderstanding you, no explaining again and again, will cause someone to “understand you.” Protect your energy. Learn not to give it away like free samples at Costco.

Make peace with being “too much,” “too sensitive,” or “not enough.”
You were never too much for the right people. You were just inconvenient for the wrong ones.
You were never too sensitive—they just didn’t want to show up when you needed them.

Switch from people-pleasing to self-pleasing. Yes, I said it. Make your peace a priority again. This is often a slow process. Pace yourself.

Block them—energetically and digitally- when you’re ready or that makes sense for your situation. Sometimes the most spiritual thing you can do is hit “mute.”

Surround yourself with people who don’t require an emotional costume. If you have to shrink to be loved, it’s not love.

Work with someone who actually gets it. Trauma-informed coaching or therapy is golden.

Editors Note: Because Someone Read This
This section was added by popular demand—okay, one enthusiastic reader, but still. If something in here sparks a question or leaves you wondering “Wait, what does that mean?”—drop it in the comments or shoot me a message. I got you.

Now, let’s talk about micro-boundaries… a micro-boundary is a small but powerful shift in how you respond to someone—especially when direct confrontation feels unsafe or exhausting.

Think:

• Not answering their text immediately when you’re overwhelmed

• Keeping your responses short and neutral instead of over-explaining

These aren't mind games. They’re self-preservation tools. If someone’s been crossing your boundaries for years, even the smallest recalibration can feel huge—and threatening to them.

But here’s the truth- Protecting your energy isn’t playing games. It’s you finally learning to stop bleeding for people who hand you the knife

Common Gaslight-y Phrases + How to Respond

(Yes, this is your Nervous System Reset Foundation and Self Preservation Map)

First, A Word on Silence and Walking Away

Sometimes the wisest move isn’t a comeback—it’s no comment.

Disengagement, silence, and that subtle art of not taking the bait? That’s nervous system gold. And while it might feel unfamiliar or even uncomfortable at first, it often becomes your most reliable self-protection tool.

You don’t need to explain, defend, or prove anything to people who are committed to misunderstanding you and maintaining control over you and the relationship, due to their refusal to acknowledge their own insecurities.

Walking away doesn’t mean you’re weak or avoidant. It means you’re conserving energy for what actually matters: you.

And yes—it takes time and practice. Navigating these dynamics is a learning process. With each person, you’ll start to develop a feel for what works, what backfires, and what preserves your peace. Sometimes that’s a boundary. Sometimes it’s a script. And sometimes—more often than not—it’s a well-timed, soul-saving silence.

Silence isn’t weakness. It’s strategic wisdom with a volume knob.

What They Might Say and How You Can Respond

If they say, “You’re too sensitive,” Try, “I feel things deeply—and that’s not a flaw.”

If they say, “I never said that.” Try, “I remember it differently.” (No need to debate it.)

If they say, “You’re imagining things.” Try, “My experience is valid, even if you disagree.”

If they say, “You’re lucky I even put up with you.” Try, “That sounds hurtful. I expect to be treated with respect.”

If they say, “You’re overreacting.” Try, “This matters to me.”

If they say, “Look at everything I’ve done for you.” Try, “True generosity doesn’t come with a receipt or a guilt trip.”

If they say, “You’re the problem.” Try, “I’m open to reflection—not to being scapegoated.”

Gray Rock vs. Yellow Rock

-Gray Rock: You go emotionally flat. Zero flavor. Zero drama. You’re boring on purpose. D I S E N G A G E.
-Yellow Rock: Still neutral, but with warmth and humanity. Best used when you can’t fully cut ties (like a family member or colleague).

Both are nervous-system-saving tactics. Choose based on the situation—and your energy emotional budget.

THE QUIZ!!!!! How’s Your Narc-Busting Radar Going ?

A validating quiz for anyone who’s ever walked away from a conversation thinking, “Wait… how did I end up apologizing for what they did !?”

Pick the answer that feels most familiar. Tally your points at the end. The prize is clarity, catharsis, and the inner peace you stumble upon while starting the ascent out of the gaslight-y quagmire

1. When You Share Good News

Narc infused personalities tend to react to others’ success with envy, entitlement, or dismissiveness. Especially if your happiness doesn't involve them directly. Their response often reveals more about their capacity emotionally, than what you are actually telling them.

They:
A. Congratulate you… then pivot to their own story. (2 pts)
B. Say “must be nice” and go stone-faced. (3 pts)
C. Ask why you didn’t tell them sooner—and act hurt. (1 pt)
D. Forget within 30 seconds. (2 pts)

2. When You Set a Boundary

Setting a clear boundary with a narcissistic or antagonistic person often threatens their sense of control. Remember control is what they really want over the relationship. They crave the endless, steady flow validation from you (and anyone) anyway they can soak it up. Even if you set a boundary calmly, precisely and compassionately, they may experience it as a rejection criticism or even a betrayal.

They:
A. Ignore it and do the thing anyway. (2 pts)
B. Accuse you of being selfish, dramatic, or “too much.” (3 pts)
C. Guilt-trip you later with “I was just trying to help.” (4 pts)
D. Laugh and say, “Wow. You’ve changed.” (1 pt)

3. When You State the Facts

Stating a fact or addressing behavior when you have been harmed, can really backfire on you with these personality types. Stating a fact can be very destabilizing to someone who thrives on denying reality, or manipulation to keep control over the relationship. This can work in your favor at times but can also backfire.

They:
A. Say, “You always make me the bad guy.” (2 pts)
B. Cry, say you’re abusive, and call in reinforcements. (3 pts)
C. Deflect and accuse you of doing the exact thing they did. (4 pts)
D. Go eerily silent and punish you with weird vibes for days. (1 pt)

4. When You’re Vulnerable

This is one area where so many struggle with narcissistic personalities, as sometimes they show up as nice and caring people. So when your guard is down and you disclose something vulnerable, you may experience the whiplash of their lack of ability or willingness to hold space for your pain. Your vulnerability might trigger their own shame, envy or discomfort - a major trait of what sets narcissistic patterns apart from other personality styles. This may lead them to minimize or punish you for your emotional needs. This can be incredibly confusing, and no you are definitely not imagining things and you are not crazy at all.

They:
A. Hijack it with a bigger, sadder story. (2 pts)
B. Trauma one-up you with “You think YOU have it bad?” (3 pts)
C. Act like you’re a burden for even bringing it up. (4 pts)
D. Say, “Well, maybe you should’ve seen that coming.” (1 pt)

5. When They Apologize (Kind Of)

Most narcissistic people don't actually apologize. They can put on a darn good Oscar level performance though, for apology-adjacent behavior. This allows them to regain control, avoid accountability, or manipulate how you see the relationship and them- and get their needs met, not yours. Remember accountability is one of their largest aversions in life.

They say:
A. “I’m sorry you feel that way.” (2 pts)
B. “I guess I’m just always the villain now.” (3 pts)
C. “That’s not what I meant—you misunderstood everything.” (4 pts)
D. “Fine. Whatever. Sorry.” (1 pt)

🔢 Your Score: How Narc-Savvy Are You?

🟡 5–7 points: Gaslight Rookie
You’re waking up. It’s weird and foggy—but you’re asking the right questions.

🟠 8–12 points: Boundary Ninja Up and Coming!
You’re starting to trust your gut more than their guilt trips. Jedi status pending.

🔴 13–17 points: Certified BS Translator
You speak fluent Narc-o-pology, and probably have a favorite burner number.

🟣 18+ points: Emotional Escape Artist
You grey rock like it’s performance art and block like a boss. Your time is sacred. So is your peace.

Final Thoughts: You’re Not Too Sensitive. You’re Rising Up.

If this post hit a nerve, stirred something, or made you laugh-cry in recognition—that’s not a sign you’re broken. It’s a sign you’re remembering your own truth.

You don’t have to go full no-contact to start healing.
You don’t have to explain yourself to people who refuse to hear you.
And you sure as hell don’t have to keep shrinking to survive.

Start where you are. Set the tiniest boundary. Reclaim the smallest moment of clarity. That’s healing.

Have Thoughts? Comments? Anything else you’d like to hear about ? I’m listening, this convo’s just getting started, and we’re in this together!

If you made it this far, thank you! That was a lot, I know. I hope it helped you name something that needed naming.

If you are in California and interested in a complimentary consultation for therapy to see if we are a good fit to work together, please feel free to reach out via www.cecilylongotherapy.com.

© 2025 Cecily Longo, LMFT