Am I the Narcissist? - Common FAQs and How to Untangle the Blame Game in Toxic Relationships
/This guide is written first and foremost for those navigating relationships with high-conflict, antagonistic individuals—what many people call “narcissistic relationships.” It may also be useful if you’ve noticed narcissistic traits in yourself and want a clearer understanding of how they show up.
About 70% of my clients come to therapy struggling with the fallout of these relationships—navigating abuse, confusion, and the exhaustion of trying to decode patterns that never seem to add up.
If you’ve ever left a contemptuous argument asking yourself:
“Wait… am I the narcissist?”
You’re not alone. Asking this question doesn’t make you a narcissist—it usually reflects the toll of being in a confusing, invalidating relationship that leaves you doubting yourself. In fact, the very act of pausing to reflect is a sign of awareness—and that awareness is a resource for healing, whatever your traits may be.
My focus here is on survivors, since that’s the population I work with most often. Still, the reflections draw from both clinical experience and the available research on narcissism.
The goal is clarity, not blame—to help you make sense of what’s happening in your relationships, and to know when support and healing are possible.
Another Article on Narcissism?! Why This Guide Is Different
Most resources about narcissism lean one of two ways: they either shame and villainize people with traits, or they lean on pop psychology—well-intentioned but often watered down, minimizing the real harm survivors face.
This guide does neither. It blends:
🔍 Research and clinical debates on the “what” and “why” of narcissism
🧩 Clear, real-life examples of how traits show up in everyday relationships
💡 Practical healing tools and survivor-focused strategies—without blame or sugarcoating
Survivors will find clarity and recovery strategies. Those noticing traits in themselves will get context and self-reflection—without stigma.
📖 What the DSM Says (and Doesn’t Say)
The term “narcissist” gets tossed around so casually online that it’s lost much of its meaning. But in clinical and survivor contexts, it refers to real dynamics—specific patterns of behavior that need to be distinguished from everyday pop-psychology soundbites for “selfish” or “disappointing.” The DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) is the handbook clinicians use to diagnose conditions like personality disorders. The DSM-5 (2013) criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) require a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and lack of empathy—beginning in early adulthood and present across contexts. To qualify, five (or more) of the following nine must be met:
Grandiose sense of self-importance (exaggerates achievements, expects recognition).
Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.
Belief they are “special” and can only be understood by other special/high-status people.
Requires excessive admiration.
Sense of entitlement (expects especially favorable treatment).
Interpersonally exploitative (takes advantage of others for personal gain).
Lacks empathy (unwilling/unable to recognize others’ needs and feelings).
Often envious of others or believes others are envious of them.
Arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes.
👉 To meet diagnostic criteria, five of nine must be present consistently, and cause significant impairment in one or more areas of life- relationships, work, or overall functioning. That flexibility in criteria means two people could both qualify for NPD and look very different—there are nearly 260 possible combinations of traits that can add up to a diagnosis.
In 2022, the DSM-5-TR added clarity: narcissism often shows up as either grandiose/overt (arrogant, entitled, inflated) or vulnerable/covert (hypersensitive, shame-driven, unstable). Note- The DSM-5-TR (2022) is a text revision of the DSM-5, adding updated commentary and clarifications based on newer research.
As Kohut (1971), Kernberg (1975), and more recent researchers (Cain, Pincus, & Ansell, 2008; Pincus & Lukowitsky, 2010) have argued, narcissism takes many shapes, and the DSM captures only part of the story. Individuals involved with highly narcissistic people often notice covert or subtle behaviors that don’t appear neatly on the checklist.
📌 Traits in Real Life
Survivors of relationships with narcissistic, antagonist, or high conflict people rarely walk into therapy saying, ‘I think my partner meets five of nine DSM criteria.’ They talk about their lived experiences—feeling manipulated and confused by gaslighting, boundary violations, silent treatments—and the fallout. And that fallout is typically traumatic, leaving people anxious and questioning their own reality. Here are some examples of how these traits can play out on the day to day-
🌹 Love bombing → Overwhelming attention early on, whether through grand gestures or subtle mirroring of your passions. Rooted in grandiosity and endless validation-seeking, it’s designed to create fast attachment that later flips into withdrawal, criticism, or devaluation. After a discard phase, this cycle sometimes resurfaces in what survivors call hoovering—a return of affection and attention meant to pull you back in.
💔 Low empathy → Dismissing your struggles while demanding attention for theirs. When they do display empathy, there’s often a transactional or performative edge: “I’ll be present with you now (or appear to), so you’ll give me what I want later.” At its core, this reflects an inability—or unwillingness—to truly attune to others’ needs unless it benefits them. This lack of empathy often fuels their sense of entitlement: your role is to meet their needs, while theirs is to take without reciprocity.
🌙 Future faking → Painting vivid pictures of marriage, travel, or life plans that never happen. These promises create false hope and keep you emotionally invested, believing the relationship holds merit, even when actions consistently fail to match the words.
🥖 Breadcrumbing → Tossing small “crumbs” of affection—texts, compliments, or gestures—just enough to keep you hooked. This intermittent reinforcement makes it harder to leave the relationship, because you’re always waiting for the next crumb, and those crumbs start to feel like a five-star meal.
🚪 Boundary intolerance → Silent treatments, child-like rages, temper tantrums, disappearing acts, or stonewalling -withholding communication in ways that destabilize the partner and provide the one enacting it with a false sense of power and control. These behaviors are highly emotionally toxic and often show up when you assert independence, voice a need, or set a limit. “Pushback” can also include gaslighting—denying or twisting your reality until you doubt yourself (expanded in the Survivor’s Triad below). To someone high in narcissistic traits, boundaries feel like an attack on their entitlement and grandiosity—so instead of respect, you’re met with punishment.
This often comes with a “victim stance” (a term common in pop psychology): suddenly you’re painted as selfish or ungrateful, while they recast themselves as the wounded party. What you’re witnesing is actually away to deflect responsibility, avoid accountability and keep control- ultimately connected to the individual’s traits of grandiosity and/or entitlement.
💸 Exploitation → Endless demands on your resources—time, sex, finances—used only for their personal gain, with zero remorse for the impact on you. When you ask for reciprocity or basic respect, the response is often outrage, guilt-tripping, or withdrawal. The message is clear: you’re a means to an end—for their benefit, not yours. Exploitation is one of the most damaging dynamics, because it strips away mutuality. In survivor circles, this is often called being treated as “supply”: valued only as a resource to be used, rather than respected as a whole person.
🎭 The mask effect → Survivors often describe a “mask”: charming and lovable in public, but spiteful, manipulative, or abusive in private. Bancroft (2002) notes this dual persona leaves partners confused and isolated.
🌀 Chaos & inconsistency → Sudden flips between affection and hostility, rules that shift overnight, plans that collapse without explanation. These swings keep survivors in a constant state of anxiety, scanning for cues of what’s coming next. These behavior/mood swings may often stem from emotional dysregulation and impulsivity—traits not specific to NPD but seen across the broader “Cluster B” group of personality disorders. While not part of the formal DSM criteria, they show up often enough in lived experience to be worth naming here. (I’ll be expanding on these overlaps in a longer survival guide I’m publishing soon on Gumroad, with more detail and practical tools.)
🎂 Holiday sabotage → Drama, crises, or tantrums—silent or explosive—that hijack special days. Survivors often describe dreading birthdays and holidays because joy is routinely overshadowed by conflict or chaos.
As Dr. Ramani Durvasula (2019) puts it: these behaviors erode self-worth and leave partners questioning reality, even without a formal NPD diagnosis. And it’s important to note: if you’ve had a partner or friend who displays just one of these behaviors—like breadcrumbing, for example—that alone doesn’t make them narcissistic. But if you’ve experienced several of these patterns together, your nervous system will likely register it as significant stress, anxiety, and trauma.
And the way out—if that’s the path you want to explore—begins with education and self-understanding. The first step is trying not to gaslight or dismiss yourself about how these behaviors affect you. Naming what’s happening is the foundation for clarity, boundaries, and eventual healing.
🧩 The Survivor’s Triad
So why do people stay in relationships that feel so destructive? Sometimes it’s logistical—shared children, finances, or social pressures. But even when those factors aren’t present, powerful emotional forces can make leaving feel impossible. Survivors often describe being “hooked” despite knowing the harm.
Three dynamics, what I call the Survivor’s Triad, explain why people remain in close connection with narcissistic individuals:
✨ Gaslighting → “You’re too sensitive.” “That never happened.” Gaslighting is more than “telling lies.” It means that over time, reality gets re-written until you doubt yourself. Part of healing is learning to trust yourself and your instincts again.
✨ Cognitive dissonance → (Festinger, 1957) A state of inner conflict when you’re holding two opposing beliefs or experiences at the same time. The torment of holding two truths: they say they love me vs. they keep hurting me. This clash creates chronic confusion and paralysis, making it harder to act decisively.
✨ Trauma bonding → The cycle of being torn down, then intermittently rewarded with affection, attention, or apologies. This variable reinforcement spikes dopamine in the brain, the same reward pathway activated in gambling or substance use (Carnes, 1997). That’s why the bond feels so hard to break—it’s not just psychological, it’s physiological until you learn how to interrupt the loop. These aren’t signs of a weak personality—they’re involuntary nervous system responses to persistent psychological stress.
🔍 Nature vs. Nurture
Why or how do people become narcissistic? Experts continue to debate this question, and there isn’t a single consensus.
Psychoanalytic theorists such as Kohut (1971) and Kernberg (1975) argued that narcissism develops as a response to early relational trauma, tremendous shame, intolerance to feeling shame, and fragile self-esteem. In their view, the inflated exterior is a defense against deep insecurity.
By contrast, Salerno (2024, 2025) and researchers working from neuroscience and personality-trait perspectives do not view shame or low/fragile self-esteem as central drivers. Instead, they point to genetic factors and temperament, emphasizing that traits like antagonism, grandiosity, and exploitative behavior often emerge independent of insecurity or shame.
Psychologist Ramani Durvasula (2019, 2021), who endorses the fragile self esteem/shame based core perspective, adds another layer, noting that culture itself can reinforce narcissism. Social media rewards constant self-promotion and comparison. Hustle culture prizes status and success at all costs. Even relationship dynamics built on entitlement or one-sided caretaking can normalize unhealthy patterns.
In other words, most experts agree that our environment doesn’t cause narcissism on its own, but it can create fertile ground for those traits to grow unchecked. The causes are complex, and different models emphasize different factors.
What matters most in practice for people surviving relationships with individuals high in narcissistic traits is not the origin story, but whether the harmful behavior changes—and research consistently shows that entrenched narcissistic traits rarely shift.
💡 Why the Cause Matters (and Why It Doesn’t)
For survivors, the real question usually isn’t why narcissism develops—it’s whether the harmful behavior will change. Research consistently shows that entrenched narcissistic traits rarely shift.
That said, the “nature vs. nurture” debate isn’t just academic—it influences how clinicians think about treatment and how survivors are supported. The debate has been going on for decades and may never fully resolve—human behavior is too complex to fit into tidy boxes. The takeaway? Keep moving forward with the resources available now, knowing that research continues to evolve—and with it, the tools and treatments that may support healing.
💡 Frequently Asked Questions About Narcissism
Note: These FAQs come out of the most common questions I hear in weekly therapy or coaching sessions. Although many examples here focus on intimate partnerships, the same patterns can apply in family systems, friendships, and workplaces. High-conflict and antagonistic traits don’t stay neatly in one category of relationship—they ripple out wherever they appear.
1. Am I the narcissist?
Narcissism exists on a spectrum. Having traits or selfish moments does not equal a diagnosis. Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a rigid, entrenched pattern that causes lasting disturbance across many areas of life. If you’re even pausing to ask this question, that self-reflection itself is a strong sign you are not what you fear—because genuine narcissism usually blocks that kind of awareness.
2. What if I’m not the narcissist, but I feel wrecked by my relationship?
Survivors often develop anxiety, depression, or hypervigilance they never had before. That’s not weakness—it’s your nervous system adapting to unpredictability.
3. Can two narcissistic individuals be in a relationship?
Yes—usually volatile, dramatic, and competitive. Love-bombing meets love-bombing; betrayal meets revenge.
4. Can you become a narcissist from being in company with someone w these traits ?
No — narcissism isn’t contagious. Personality disorders develop from a mix of genetics, temperament, and early life experiences, not from “catching” traits in adulthood. That said, survivors often do pick up behaviors as coping strategies: becoming defensive, shutting down emotionally, or even mimicking the narcissist’s patterns to survive conflict. This doesn’t mean you’re becoming a narcissist. It means your nervous system is adapting to a stressful environment.
If you’re concerned about traits you’ve noticed in yourself, ask: Are these survival habits, and do they actually serve me now? That reflection can help you separate what belongs to you, what was learned for survival, and what you might want to shift moving forward.
5. What if I believe I have some narcissistic traits?
Noticing traits in yourself doesn’t make you a narcissist—it makes you self-aware. What matters most is impact, reflection, and willingness to change. If there are patterns you’d like to shift, setting small goals and seeking support can help. Therapies like DBT, Internal Family Systems (IFS), or Mentalization-Based Therapy can offer tools for building healthier ways of relating.
6. What if someone calls me a narcissist?
Consider the context. If it happens right after you set a boundary, it’s often gaslighting or projection. Gaslighting is a repeated attempt to deny your reality so the other person can avoid responsibility. Projection is a defense mechanism where someone attributes to you the traits they cannot face in themselves—for example, calling you “selfish” when they are the one acting selfishly.
7. Can narcissistic people change?
Stable, consistent, and meaningful change is rare (Salerno, 2025). Some therapies—like those noted above—can sometimes improve emotional regulation in individuals who are highly motivated and capable of self-reflection, particularly in more vulnerable (covert) presentations. Approaches such as schema therapy (Young, Klosko, & Weishaar, 2003) or transference-focused therapy (Kernberg, 1975) may also help, but only if the person has traits that allow for collaboration and reflection. In other words, outcomes depend heavily on where someone lands on the spectrum of narcissistic traits. Still, fMRI studies have found differences in empathy-related brain regions in people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, which may help explain why deep, lasting change is uncommon (Schulze et al., 2013).
8. Are they mistreating me on purpose?
It depends. Some may lack full awareness of how hurtful they are. More often, research suggests they do know, but don’t care enough to stop—because their focus is on personal gain, not the health of the relationship … Experts note that the higher someone falls on the Cluster B spectrum (a group of personality disorders in the DSM that includes narcissistic, borderline, antisocial, and histrionic)—especially where it overlaps with sociopathy or psychopathy—the more intentional and calculated the harm tends to be. These debates and trait overlaps will be explored more thoroughly in the Gumroad guide coming soon. The more important question is: how are these behaviors affecting you, and what do you need to move forward?
9. Should I forgive them because they had a bad childhood?
Understanding isn’t excusing. You can acknowledge someone’s past and still hold boundaries. Forgiveness is optional, not required, and up to the individual. It’s worth remembering that not all people with childhood adversity become abusive or antagonistic — and not all people with narcissistic traits have trauma histories. Research and clinical observations (Simon, 1996; 2011) show that many abusive individuals score high in traits like disagreeableness and antagonism regardless of trauma background. In other words, trauma may shape some pathways, but entitlement and exploitation can also stand on their own.
10. Isn’t everyone a little narcissistic sometimes?
People can be selfish or self-focused—that’s normal. But the term narcissism, as we’re defining it here, involves entitlement, exploitation, and antagonism. That’s not “healthy,” nor do these traits persist in all people.
11. Why do I keep attracting narcissists?
Narcissistic people are typically drawn to two types of people: those who may seem vulnerable or easy to exploit, and, paradoxically, those they admire because being with them enhances their own status (sometimes called “trophy partners”). Research by psychologists W. Keith Campbell and Joshua Foster (2002) shows that narcissists often enter relationships with high satisfaction driven by admiration and idealization, but that commitment tends to decline once deeper reciprocity is expected.
People who repeatedly end up in these relationships often aren’t “flawed”—they may simply be more tolerant of high-conflict, antagonistic, or abusive behavior because it feels normal. This can stem from upbringing, cultural beliefs, or a learned belief that enduring extremely difficult challenges over the long haul is always part of loyalty or love. Highly agreeable and conscientious individuals, in particular, may over-give, minimize red flags, or feel responsible for smoothing over conflict—traits that make them especially prone to staying involved in these types of relationships.
If you find yourself asking, “What’s wrong with me?”—know this: the better question is, “What vulnerabilities or patterns can I strengthen to stop the cycle?” Learning to spot red flags, reinforcing boundaries, and practicing strategies for disengaging are what break the pattern.
🚪 Where Do I Go From Here?
Remember this: Traits may be stable, but behavior and impact can shift with awareness and motivation. Even if the person causing harm never changes, you can still reclaim clarity, boundaries, and begin to develop healthier connections.
📖 Start with education. Understanding what narcissism is—and isn’t—makes it easier to recognize patterns, break cycles, and move toward healthier relating.
🧘 Add trauma-informed therapy. Approaches that blend safe relational support with somatic tools help calm the nervous system and loosen old patterns, turning knowledge into freedom.
👩⚕️ Choose the right support. Therapy is most effective when providers have training in personality disorders and their dynamics. Without that foundation, mis-attunement can cause harm. Ask about training before working with any provider or coach.
💡 The takeaway: With the right guidance, you can heal, rebuild trust in yourself, and move forward with stronger boundaries and healthier connections.
✨ Expanded Mini-Ebook Coming Soon
This article is just the beginning. I’m expanding this into a mini-ebook survival guide that will include:
· 🔥 🔥 Additional FAQs on DARVO, the relationship cycle with antagonistic individuals, couples therapy, no-contact, Cluster B traits, and role of spirituality in healing.
· 🧠 A deeper dive into research on competing models of narcissism, including neuroscience perspectives and brain imaging studies.
· 🌀 Survival strategies such as gray rocking, boundary-setting in action, and breaking trauma bonds.
· ✍️ Journal prompts and reflection exercises to help you process confusion, rebuild clarity, and strengthen self-trust.
This expanded guide will be available soon on Gumroad. Subscribe to this Substack so you don’t miss the release.
📚 References & Further Reading
American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-5). Arlington, VA: American Psychiatric Publishing.
Bancroft, L. (2002). Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. New York: Berkley Books.
Campbell, W. K., & Foster, J. D. (2002). Narcissism and commitment in romantic relationships: An investment model analysis. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 28(4), 484–495
Campbell, W. K., & Miller, J. D. (2011). The Handbook of Narcissism and Narcissistic Personality Disorder: Theoretical Approaches, Empirical Findings, and Treatments. Hoboken, NJ: Wiley.
Cain, N. M., Pincus, A. L., & Ansell, E. B. (2008). Narcissism at the crossroads: Phenotypic description of pathological narcissism across clinical theory, social/personality psychology, and psychiatric diagnosis. Clinical Psychology Review, 28(4), 638–656.
Durvasula, R. (2019). Don’t You Know Who I Am?: How to Stay Sane in an Era of Narcissism, Entitlement, and Incivility. Post Hill Press.
Durvasula, R. (2021). Should I Stay or Should I Go?: Surviving a Relationship with a Narcissist. Post Hill Press.
Hare, R. D. (2003). Without Conscience: The Disturbing World of the Psychopaths Among Us. New York: Guilford Press.
Kernberg, O. (1975). Borderline Conditions and Pathological Narcissism. New York: Jason Aronson.
Kohut, H. (1971). The Analysis of the Self. New York: International Universities Press.
Pincus, A. L., & Lukowitsky, M. R. (2010). Pathological narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder. Annual Review of Clinical Psychology, 6, 421–446.
Salerno, P. (2024). The nature and nurture of narcissism: Understanding narcissistic personality disorder from the perspective of gene–environment interaction. Peter Salerno.
Salerno, P. (2025). Traumatic cognitive dissonance: Healing from an abusive relationship with a disordered personality. Peter Salerno.
Schulze, L., Dziobek, I., Vater, A., Heekeren, H. R., Bajbouj, M., Renneberg, B., Heuser, I., & Roepke, S. (2013). Gray Matter Abnormalities in Patients With Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Journal of Psychiatric Research, 47(10), 1363-1369
Young, J. E., Klosko, J. S., & Weishaar, M. E. (2003). Schema therapy: A practitioner’s guide. Guilford Press.
Simon, G. K. (1996). In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People. Parkhurst Brothers.
Simon, G. K. (2011). Character Disturbance: The Phenomenon of Our Age. Parkhurst Brothers.
Practical Resources
Psychology Today Narcissism Test — self-reflection tool (not diagnostic).
National Domestic Violence Hotline: thehotline.org | 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).
Shahida Arabi. Power: Surviving and Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse.
Sandra L. Brown. Women Who Love Psychopaths.
Ramani Durvasula. It’s Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People.
⚖️ Disclaimer
This article is for informational purposes only and not a substitute for medical advice. I am a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist in California; my scope does not include prescribing medication.